Sometimes the hurt becomes too much

I thought I would be done with this blog.

But I was wrong.

I’m wrong sometimes.

Tonight I just don’t know what this life is all about.

I’m sitting in a bar

Waiting for a man that will never come.

Ha!

What can I do?

I can swear on everything that’s means anything

I can shout it from the mountain tops

How much I love you

I’m on your side.

But i still am here alone

And it’s okay

I get used to the pain

I guess we all do

I want the best

But it doesn’t matter if I’m the only one who does.

I just breathe

And just allow it

Cause I can fight for love

And. Lose.

And it would just suck more

So I have to love the best parts of us

And hold that in my heart

And just go on

The best way I can.

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I can’t carry any more

Try to think about it

As if you were me

And you would be spent and hopeless too.

You want me gone

Your wish is your command

You had many opportunities

To be different

To change

But you didn’t

You had many chances

You didn’t take

I told you

What you chose to ignore

This is not a poem about you

This nothing more than than

A retirement

A white flag

A last note

To myself

I tried

But it was effort put in to the wrong thing

If I put that effort

In the right thing

I would have been okay

It would have been better

I would have made it

I would have seen the good

I can’t fix what is so far broken

Broken before me

And only there to break me now

Not to do me any good

I can’t win in a situation set up

For me to fail.

You win

You can be ” happy” without me

I will give you no more love

I will give you no more time

I will disappear just like you want

These words I write aren’t meant for your eyes

Cause you do not exist

I do not exist

You made it this way

And I am no longer here for you

Ha

I only miss your good side

Especially when I’m miserable living here.

But you don’t give a fuck about how I feel

You always got to make it about you

Like I’m up to no good and i love it here and blah blah blah

If you only knew

How much I want out right now

Maybe you would think twice about acting the way you do

Cause I’m not happy here

I can’t afford moving out – it’s so expensive now

And I’m sad that you aren’t the loving person I thought you were

You’re not even strong enough to deal with the truth

You gotta make up lies just to justify treating me like dirt /like nothing

Well I guess I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t even know or care to know the truth

I hate it here

And I hate that you are so fucked up to see

How much I really needed you

To make things feel somewhat OK

You’re evil

You are exactly the kind of person you keep saying I am

And the kind of person

Everyone who has something going for them – should stay away from

The good you gave was fake

You’re a fake

You’re a liar

And for someone who talks about how important giving their word is and following through is-

You sure as hell don’t practice what you preach

All you did was make me feel bad for things that I don’t even do

YOU DO

And you’re so narrow minded to even look beyond what WHAT YOU BELIEVE is right that you won’t even take in to consideration that you could be very very wrong

You have no humility

You have no grace

You’re just another mouth

On a forgotten face

Always running away

Cause you’re afraid

I’m not evil

But if it helps you sleep at night to think I am

Then you’re a pussy

Who’s so scared of being hurt you have to believe these lies and stories you create in your head

If anyone is a waste of space

It’s you

Cause you really don’t think you have to change

And you really don’t care to

You just want to continue to be the way you are… Blaming others

Finding fault in the people who actually loved you

And running away from your problems that you create

That’s not living

That’s just being a shitty person

IT’S YOU THAT HAS NO CONSCIENCE

But you’re blind

And will lose out in the end

Cause I’ve lost love for you

And rightfully so

You gave me nothing good to hold on to

But a few really nice times when you actually allowed yourself to be loved and be loving

Ha

But that’s so rare

Most of the time you’re angry or barely there

So you win

You have beat my love for you out

To the point where I hardly care

Cause I see how little you do / how little you’ve done

that’s worth caring about

All you care about is protecting your little fragile self – so much that you end up hurting the ones who actually love you –

What a sad person you have become. And that you can’t blame on me

I will never let you in my heart again

You only know how to destroy

Or abandon everything you create.

Yeah you’re a good man. Ha. Yeah right.

You’re a dead beat person to everyone.

New job. New perspective. New life. New me.

I don’t change things that are good

Just cause you can only see the bad

I never had problems with people questioning my loyalty or trust before.

What’s good in me you’ll never see

And anything that I know I need to work on

You amplify and treat

So much worse.

You treat me like I’m evil

Yet I’m not the evil one

You have done so much to hurt

to push

To provoke

To cause pain

And yet you think it’s me who’s evil?

It’s you.

But you can’t and you won’t ever see that.

You will never really see yourself as you actually are

And you will never see yourself the way others see you.

But hey that’s on you.

I know who I am.

You don’t know me

And it’s sad

That you really don’t Know me at all.

What’s even more sad

Is that you really believe you do

Just cause of some Bullshit idea you have of women

Based on your fucked up past.

Or may you believe all that Bullshit with me cause that’s how you truly are or were

But that ain’t me babe

And it ain’t me babe

Who’s gonna deal with the crazy insane you anymore

You

You don’t care about love.

And you don’t care about me.

You try to protect yourself so much from getting hurt that you end up not really living.

It’s death

And I can’t live like that.

I won’t.

The city

walk around aimlessly at night.

I wonder what you were like as a child.

Before they fucked with you.

I bet you were wonderful and beautiful.

why do I write?

why do I write?

I write to express myself.
I write to create.
I write to discover.
I write because I can’t NOT do it.
I write because I enjoy writing.
I write to share a little bit about myself and to learn a lot about myself.
I write cause I’m inspired.
I write to inspire.
I write for me.
I write for you.
I write to feel better.
I write to purge.
I write to love.
I write because I love.
I write because I hate.
I write for all the times I could not speak.
I write to reflect. I write to relate.
I write to release.
I write to recognize.
I write to recharge.
I write to record.
I write to refrain.
I write to repair.
I write to return.
I write to revolt.
I write to revolve.
I write to remember. I write to forget. .
I write because it makes the loneliness feel less lonely.
I write because I learn from writing.
I write because it’s what keeps me from pulling the trigger too quickly.
I write because I want to write…
because I need to write and because I love to write.

why do you write?

Stupid

That’s all.

Lol

Sunday night 9:00pm

I am not the enemy

from his glass

you wine (whine)

beautiful leaning she carved

a knife into a tree

under the sea

pleasantly

enough

The fall of it all

the child ends

with a bright idea

no more.

stupid trades

such as today

all hell broke loose

red lips

ugly smoke

finds the face

a sudden kiss

under the stars

everything seemed

forever

I wanted to shake

a thousand

good wishes

like the leaves

of autumn

off a tree

that fall

like a tombstone

internal

external

flowers tarnished

gold

lace

of wonder

I have reason to run

just whisper

light

shine through me

i hope you like

the truth

I do not want this.

you introduce

a fear

that is

mysteriously you.

my eyes

have entered

the fields of death.

i can not wait

to forget you.

you always question

but never listen

without

some kind of

doubt

or judgement.

these words

someday

I will

no longer speak.

failures we make

from this

all sides

so far away

time must dig our graves

one by one

we fall

just to try again

while bleeding

this movement

of nature

I am

nothing

alone

in the catch

caught

in the in-between

The beauty of it all

Is right in front of your eyes

And it’s pure love