Day 2

11:30 am woke up in a daze. I have my drum lesson at 1 pm. Don’t really feel like going but I know it will make me feel better. I know not going is going to make me feel worse

3:19 pm just got out of my drum lesson. It went well. I do feel a little better. Went over some old stuff and my teacher taught me some new stuff. My teacher is awesome. She’s really inspiring and is really good at what she does. Both drumming and teaching. Maybe that’s why I’m doing so well at something I always loved and fascinated by but thought I could never do. Not everyone with knowledge or expertise in something should or could be a teacher. It takes a certain kind of person to really teach others. I’m grateful for the great teachers out there like her who actually love teaching and have the patience passion talent and understanding to do it. A great teacher makes all the difference between a person who succeeds and one who doesn’t.

Anyways we finished the lesson by me playing along to the song “Eye of the Tiger” lol.

8:15 pm. When I got home from my drum lesson around 4:15 pm i went upstairs to my room and started sketching some ideas out. I didn’t look at my phone until 8 pm. Saw he texted me. Got depressed. I feel hopeless. Replying will do me no good. It’s a trap and I don’t want to fall for it again. I’m turning my phone on vibrate and putting it in my purse. Now I’m going to go get dinner. One step at a time. I’ll try not to let him get to me. I’m still hurting and sad but for now I will try to put that aside and just live in the moment.

Ugh I feel so alone and helpless.

I miss the good side of him but I can’t ignore the bad side cause that is part of the reason I’ve been feeling the way I do right now.

I don’t have any resentment or anger towards anyone today. Except for myself but I know that’s not my own thoughts that’s just me resorting back to old beliefs and past trauma.

OK. I’m going to get dinner now. I just want to be okay.

10:07 pm. I’m home again. I’m going to paint for a bit and then go to bed. I don’t feel very good and maybe tomorrow will be better. I just want to sleep until I don’t feel sad and depressed anymore.

Day two was much harder than day one.

When will it get easier?

If you only knew the reply the voice inside my head just gave…

Sigh.

This…sucks

Another one on gaslighting

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-victims-of-gaslighting-stay-and-how-to-finally-leave

Diathesis stress model

mentalhealthathome.org/2019/03/29/what-is-a-diathesis-stress-model/

What Makes People Susceptible to Gaslighting?

What Makes People Susceptible to Gaslighting?

https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2018/11/26/what-makes-people-susceptible-to-gaslighting/
— Read on lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2018/11/26/what-makes-people-susceptible-to-gaslighting/

NOW I UNDERSTAND A BIT MORE.

Five types of gaslighting narcissists.

Five types of gaslighting narcissists.

Five types of gaslighting narcissists.
— Read on luckyottershaven.com/2019/02/11/five-types-of-gaslighting-narcissists-2/

I give up. This is hopeless.

You did everything to make it that way.

Good job. So long and thanks for crumbs of “love” you threw every now and then just to barely keep it alive. Basically killing me inside without actually killing me. That’s torture. I need to heal. I actually loved someone as unlovable as you. You’re a really good illusionist. You should make yourself disappear. I don’t need to or want to see you again. I wasted so much love and time on you.

Ugh. I need a big eraser and a lot of time for this one.

Damn it. Let it go.

I let you go.

I’m going out now

I’m going to pretend like it’s 3 years ago still and be me the way I was before you.

Cause you’ve made me see how hopeless being with you actually is.

The drowning man

April 29 day one still moving through the pain

10:50 am woke up went back to bed

1:01 pm got out of bed.

Today I’m focusing on accepting what is without thinking about it too much.

2:13 pm went to lunch with friends. It felt weird and a bit uncomfortable to leave the house and face the world. Even if the world has no clue what I’m going through or how I feel – it still feels like they do.

Smiling helps I guess…

3:00 pm played drums for a bit. Felt good. Had someone check out my Martin guitar and sent it in to be fixed finally. Actually felt good for a bit.

Around 4 ish My phone did something weird. Wish it didn’t cause all it did was remind me of the thing I’m struggling with but need to leave behind.

4:13 pm sitting alone in my room. People are downstairs and I’m sitting alone in my room figuring out what I’m going to do.

7:51 pm did yoga. Don’t know how much better that made me feel. I feel like everything I do is taken wrong. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard. I’m forgetful like my short term memory is really bad because I have so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off without tuning out. I don’t know. Today was ok. I can’t complain. I just don’t feel well.

8:08 pm. Was going to go out but forgot that I had promised a friend I would do something and my friend was really disappointed in me for flaking again. So I canceled my plans of going out to spend time with my friend.

I feel like I’m not living my life for me anymore. This makes me really sad.

I also feel like all I do is disappoint people. Maybe I care too much about how I make others feel. Do they care about how they make me feel? I don’t know. Cause right now I’m not feeling very good at all.

9:24 pm keeping busy with shit I need to do but not really feeling it right now. I’m not excited about things like I used to be. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I think I’m going to force myself to paint just to get out whatever crap is inside of me and maybe paint through it. I feel very unmotivated right now and extremely lonely. Why? I don’t know…

I wish I didn’t feel this way…

Everyone thinks I’m okay

No one knows

That I’m at the end

Of my rope

That I’m down

And can no longer cope

That I’m all out of spirit

All out of love

All out of hope.

Everyone thinks I’m fine

And the one person I’ve shared my feelings with

Just calls me crazy and acts like an enemy

I guess that’s who he is

Does it matter?

I guess not to him

All he had to do was show up

And show me something more than the same thing that never works

That’s not too much to ask

But for him

It’s such a difficult task

And I’m at a low

Already

A low I do not show

But it’s there

And his lack of care and love and being there

Does nothing more but feed

The need

To

Go back home.

My real home

Where he will never see my face again

I’m sorry to the ones I love

Who show me love

But I don’t burden them with all the things that have plagued my mind and heart from the start

To make things end this way

It will just be another day

Like all the rest

Don’t worry

I’ll be just fine

Just not here

I do appreciate

But it’s not you

It’s me

That I can’t fix

Sorry for wasting your time

feel bad inc.

my mind is hijacked

by a devil wanna be

he

wants me down

in the hole

he’s spent his whole life in

talks about justice and sin

no one ever wins

a race

laced

with confusion

and complicated jabber

smoke screen face

and a mouth full of blabber

diabolical and habitual

is his gaslight

take flight

ritutual.

i feel so down and damaged and used

and abused

and so far away from who i used to be

he tells me i don’t know myself

and he’s right cause this ain’t me
this ain’t who i used to be
before he came into my life

and now….

i am… trying to feel what is actually real again

the devil’s trick
is to
to inflict
trouble
and to cause pain
by inconsistent acts
that stir
then cure
and blur
out the mess
they infest
with such charm
one doesn’t see the harm
they’re in
until it’s much too late.

elevated
inflated
isolated
dissipated
enervated
operated
terminated
discombobulated

this sucks

and i want to die