skin loves fever

the side people never show
even when you think you do
you never really know
someone
paintbrushes washed
in my clean and empty room
I feel sick
I feel stuck
I feel buried
inside my own tomb
I don’t know what to do
I’ll just pretend I’m okay
as each and every grueling day
slowly goes by
why?
why ?
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live.
I have nothing more
I want or have to give
just put me out of my misery
please
I don’t even want him back
after this
I just don’t want to feel
and I don’t want to miss
the little things
that made me so happy
like never before
but I don’t love anyone
who so easily walks out the door
without warning
without saying anything
that matters
after everything you said to me
that I thought mattered
like I thought you mattered
just put me out of my misery
I don’t care about love
I don’t care about having you
I don’t care that we are through
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live
I have nothing more
left to give
just put my out of my misery
do you hear me?
please.
put me out of my misery.

I don’t know how I feel

a box full of lies
memories of something wonderful
that didn’t really mean a thing
ice cold
people get old
I’m not okay
but what can you do
I wouldn’t want someone like you
if I knew everything could turn
with the flip of a switch
which
I should have done
to you
you don’t need care
you don’t need love
you need to learn
how to treat people
and you need to learn
how to work things through
not just to run away.
some day it will be you
and i hope it makes you a better person
I don’t care
you can stay
the way
you are
far from my love
that I wasted
on someone who just doesn’t really care
I need to be more aware
of people who say I love you
too much
to make up for
the little love they have

I’m glad it’s over
at least I know who you are now
instead of finding out years from now
you’re not a bad person
you just don’t know how to love
and follow through
and work through
the times when things get rough
you’re not tough
but neither am I
so all I can do is sit here
alone and allow myself to cry
over what I thought was real
and hopefully soon
I won’t feel
anything at all for you anymore

2022

You want to leave me
and i can’t argue
i can’t give you anything
that will make you feel
like you should stay
if you’ve already made you way
Out the door
like I’ve seen
many times before
you ever existed in my life
all i can do is cry
as the greatest part of me
continues to die
the end is near
i say words
that have no sound
that you will never hear
the fear
of losing
again
wins.

Sad girl

You sad girl
maybe you didn’t have much
But you met a man who loved you and gave you the world

And you fucked it up
like you always do
Everything you thought you knew

Now you see you know nothing

Give up

You sad girl
it’s time to give up

Like everyone else has given up on you

the short stick

how does it feel
with no time to say
no room to speak
place to stand
no ears to hear
silenced voice
only hear screams
lost and longing
fall through
in fevered dreams
how do you heal?
I don’t know
how to think
what I feel
what is real
what is fear
what to do
nothing is clear
what is okay
what is right
what is wrong
it’s getting hard
to stay strong
I don’t know how
to feel okay
how to be okay
how to play okay
just enough
to make it through a day
how do I know?
how do I learn
how do I stop
how do I turn
everything around
how to get up
after being pushed
and dragged down
get out of this trap
repair what is lost
fill in every gap?

shut down

no comfort
in speaking
I shut down
when there’s no care
to be aware
you can’t make someone care about
your hurt
your pain
everything I’ve ever love
goes away
but you don’t feel me
how can you feel
what you don’t take the time to feel
less and less time
and you have become comfortable
the truth ignored
I’m losing every sense where I came from
disconnected
and rejected
the child inside of me
is locked in the bathroom
drowning in the tub
my heart in the sink
I can’t make anyone feel me
I can’t make anyone think
I won’t make anyone do anything
they don’t want to do naturally
but I will remain locked inside the bathroom
alone
and have a good cry
as another part of me dies
remain lock in the bathroom
because it’s the only place I feel safe
I lost someone
who meant a lot to me
when I was a child
the two people who created me
were never there
I have no sense of family
that died a long time ago
the only think I know
is people come
and always go
the people who made me
I can’t trust
I don’t really know
made me
feel rejected
replaced
and erased
that’s all they ever show
no one will keep you safe
it’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom
let the water run
so no one can hear the cries
it’s okay to pretend not to notice
as another piece of you dies

Not sad…

I think today I just needed more

And everyday

It feels like less and less

I think I’m gonna just expect

This

Amount

Alone

And

Not want

Not ask

Not expect

Not pursue

Anything

Than what someone

Gives naturally.

I tried to communicate this

I did communicate This

My lesson

Is for me

To not want

Need

Anything

From anyone

And to give less

Fucks

Because

I don’t need anything

Or anyone….

People give more when they want more

Not when someone else actually needs it

We are all just selfish little creatures

Little monsters

Another xanex

To force myself to fall asleep

Cause I’m not tired

But I wish I was

I’d rather sleep

Than to feel this

I’d rather feel nothing

Than to feel this

Goodnight

mother

I wish you could know
how my heart feels
I can’t tell you how to be
you only see what you want to see
and you don’t see me
I can’t tell you how I feel
you never cared to listen
you don’t want to hear
you don’t feel me
I came from you
but you were already a million miles away
I have no connection to you
I have no connection to the man who helped you make me too
you never wanted me
I always wanted and needed you
but I know now
you are no mother to me
so now I’ve got to set you free
…

goodbye

I miss you most of all. My little Buster. 🙂 💓

Love

All I want to do

Is be close to you

I don’t want to waste any more time

Without you

When I know that you’re the one.

silencio

I hear doubt
and then I. start to feel the same
it’s not your fault
there’s no one to blame
but I’m too old
too cold
too scared
too familiar
with men
and their in and out game
I’m fine without it
if you doubt it
even a bit
I will quit
I’ve had a life long lesson
on how to get over it
and over things
I’ve learned how to not want
what does not want me
I’ve learned how to
change how I feel
from changing how I see
sometimes it’s just a better way to be
than to be rejected
neglected
deflected
vivisected
disconnected