you’re not right

the way you treated me
was completely fucked up and wrong
I don’t care about your excuses
-up until the day you left
everything you said and did
and all that we shared before -was beautiful I was just depressed
and I didn’t deserve to be left the way you left me

this is how I feel
I don’t want you back
if I knew who you really were I wouldn’t have wanted you at all.
you are not trustworthy

I didn’t need you to be stronger
but maybe that’s something you need to be
because you wanted all my support and love and reassurance when you needed it .
but I got depressed (which I communicated to you. I even warned you about how the holiday season is a really difficult time for me)
and what did I get in return
someone with no backbone
who lied
and left
someone who didn’t even try like he promised.
your words mean nothing.
you made me believe you
all the promises you made
I even asked you to please not say things
you didn’t intend on following through with

you didn’t try at all
you didn’t communicate anything to me before that day you left
it hurt when you left
it hurt like hell
I’ve never felt that kind of pain.
because I thought I loved you
but I loved someone you pretended to be when you wanted it
I don’t love people who lie
and say things just to make me feel safe
only to turn into the exact opposite kind of person with the flip of a switch and without any warning.
you caused me more harm than good
because you’re selfish and you don’t know what real love takes.
you d0n’t just give up on. people
if you were the person I thought you were- then we could have worked anything out. I would have. I know my issues. I know I need to work on them but you traumatized me and I’m finally getting out of that because I see who you are now.
it’s easy to say love when everything is good and there’s love
it’s easy to say peace when there’s peace –
it’s when things are difficult and people are difficult that we really need to show love.- not when it’s easy-

I’ve never had anyone treat me as messed up and disposable as you did
I would have never done that to you

Try to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. if you were going through something that was really hard for you and you communicated that to me but you also communicated that your depression had nothing to do with me- and I made you feel safe and I kept telling you I loved you more…
and then you had a really bad day because of a bunch of things that were piling up – and you needed me – because you thought you could count on me because I told you you could always count on me-
and then I just bailed on you. no effort no care. just took off and didn’t even tell you I was driving all the way back home
how would you feel? if when you needed me the most -I just abandon you and don’t even care to tell you – but I tell your roommate or friend.
that’s how you treat someone you hate.
I’m pretty sure that would make you feel worthless and probably make you feel crazy because it made me that way. I thought I had something/someone who was wonderful, trustworthy and who really loved me- and you abandoned me like i never meant a thing to you .
you shut off all your love and care in such a cruel way. I could have done that to you but. I accepted all of you and you grumpy and selfishness and faults.

I would have never let you in my life at all if I knew how you could flip like that.
I don’t want to be with you but we promised each other we would always talk and work things out. YOU LIED. and LEFT LIKE I MEANT NOTHING.

what you did was really messed up. you fooled me
anytime you NEEDED MY reassurance I gave it to you and then you took away all the love I thought (you made me believe )was real
I told you about my family (which is pretty much the reason I have a difficult time in relationships because I’ve never had anyone in my family growing up that was consistent and who ever made me feel loved or safe) and you did exactly that- UNSAFE and didn’t even give me the love that I gave you when you were all selfish and mean. I always accepted you apology and we would always end up communicating about it in a healthy way.
but you wouldn’t even give me that –
just to be treated like less than nothing –
like all that we shared didn’t even deserve a real effort
like I don’t deserve someone who actually cares and loves me enough to work it out.
like I deserve to feel abandoned by you after all the love you told me you had and gave me –
you don’t know what love is
or what it takes- it does take work and that’s why some people are worth it and others are just superficial and selfish like you.

I just want you to understand how you made me feel
and really think about how you would have felt if I had done that to you when you needed me the most-

I’m a stranger to you now.
I am not in your life
and I don’t want to be
I can’t give someone like you love – you want love on your terms
you wan to be accepted but you take off when I needed you
you shut your feelings off in a day after all the times you said I was the person you “loved so much and wanted to grow old with”
ha only now to treat me like I don’t even exist.
anyone who can switch their feelings off like that – is scary
I might be intense at times because I get scared too but I’m a good person and I loved the you I thought you were with all of my heart and would have never done anything to intentionally hurt you even when you were not the ideal person in the moment. I definitely wouldn’t have abandoned you like that if you communicated to me that you were down and needed me.


you messed with my head and heart – and how I had to deal with that all alone. it was hard and confusing and I was extremely lonely and depressed. I didn’t even leave my room for days upon days and I couldn’t even go to work some days.
it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt like I lost a part of myself because we were so close – to go from that to this – would fuck anyone up.
just don’t expect people to accept you and all your issues when you don’t really love and mean or follow through with what you say and make people believe.

I shouldn’t have let you in.
but I also never thought that you would do this because everything you ever did and said just a day before gave me no red flag that you would be such a cold and dead person inside.
that is sociopathic psychopathic and just really not someone worth my time.
I just hope you can stop being so selfish and think about if I had done that to you – in the way you have done that to me-
I did nothing to deserve to be cut off like someone you don’t even care about

I’VE ACCEPTED THAT YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME AND YOU DON’T CARE. I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE OR CARE ANYMORE. I just want you to never make someone else feel the way you made me feel

I also don’t need to talk to you after this. you had many chances to show some care and you never did. so that’s enough to make me not have any reason to care about you anymore. I packed up your stuff and I’m sending it to you. I threw out all your notes – I was gong to send them back to you because I don’t need a reminder of all the bullshit you made me believe.

at least at the time I meant what I said….
I don’t like you and I definitely don’t love you after you love bombed me and then discarded me. I’m sorry I’m jus amazed that someone who acted so loving could actually be so heartless inside and you fooled everyone.

I got rid of most of the things you gave me too – I was going to send it back to you…. but that’s pointless too – it was all fake. no one needs a reminder of that.

I do love Shelby and you mom though. your mom gave me the best hug -I’ve never been hugged by any mother (not even my own ) like that. it was truly the most heartfelt and nurturing hug I’ve ever received by a mother
so if there was anything good about you – it was having that moment with your mom. I start to cry thinking about that.

I hope whoever you’ve found or find makes you happy. i obviously couldn’t do it -and I should have never tried. just don’t bail on people who have your back and wouldn’t abandon you. I was depressed and I have poor coping skills but it’s something I’ve been trying to work on for a long time. I just need someone who’s consistent and means what they say. I guess deep down I knew you didn’t.

.
I loved you because I thought you were sensitive and loving and kind – I believed you when you said all that bullshit but now I know better. it’s not about strength – it’s just about being a decent person which you are not – at least not to me.

good luck and bye.

let go

don’t fall to pieces
life still goes on
life’s colors haven’t faded
even if life gets you down
try not to let it make you jaded
just remember
you can’t hold on so tight
it’s not your fight tot fight
for what does not belong to you
it’s not that black and white
the layers
the players
constantly change
and rearrange
people come
people go
some people you never really know
someday we all will die
now is not the time to wonder why
say goodbye
don’t hold on
everything you love
some day will be gone

3:45 am Friday morning

Light another cigarette

Haven’t eaten in days

But I’m about to change my ways

Cause it ain’t no thing

This world is about to bring

Something true

Goodbye to everything cruel

I’m not yours

I’m not yours

I am not yours

I belong to me

What you failed to see

Was the real me

And I’m not yours

Sitting on my bed

With better thoughts in my head

Everything you said

Was a lie

Just enough to get by

So Bye bye

It’s not even about you.

Cause everything about you i thought I knew

Was untrue

Just like you were unkind

I’m replacing you in my heart and in mind

With good people

It’s almost 4 am

I got home from work

And then

Something made me see

Something made me be

Okay

Better than OK

I’m happy you decided to go away

Because that’s who you are

And at least now you’re far

From me

So I can be

With someone who deserves

My love

That will never give up

Cause I’m strong

I might be wrong

Sometimes

But I’m right about this

What’s there to miss?

When it was all fake

Someday many years from now

you’ll think of me

And your heart will break

And there will be nothing you can do

Because you akready did what you did

And I’ve rid myself of you

I’m living my life

Tonight people were kind

Made me smile

Helped me find

My way out

Of the mess you left behind

I have more important things to do

Than to be sad and waste my time

Being hurt by someone like you

You don’t know how to love

And I hope you learn

So you can be happy

And In turn

Give love

When things aren’t as easy as you want it to be

Superficial “love”

Just isn’t for me

Goodbye to you

Someone I never really knew

And now don’t care to ever know

Um happy to see you go

Run run run

I am officially done

the side people never show
even when you think you do
you never really know
someone
paintbrushes washed
in my clean and empty room
I feel sick
I feel stuck
I feel buried
inside my own tomb
I don’t know what to do
I’ll just pretend I’m okay
as each and every grueling day
slowly goes by
why?
why ?
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live.
I have nothing more
I want or have to give
just put me out of my misery
please
I don’t even want him back
after this
I just don’t want to feel
and I don’t want to miss
the little things
that made me so happy
like never before
but I don’t love anyone
who so easily walks out the door
without warning
without saying anything
that matters
after everything you said to me
that I thought mattered
like I thought you mattered
just put me out of my misery
I don’t care about love
I don’t care about having you
I don’t care that we are through
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live
I have nothing more
left to give
just put my out of my misery
do you hear me?
please.
put me out of my misery.

I don’t know how I feel

a box full of lies
memories of something wonderful
that didn’t really mean a thing
ice cold
people get old
I’m not okay
but what can you do
I wouldn’t want someone like you
if I knew everything could turn
with the flip of a switch
which
I should have done
to you
you don’t need care
you don’t need love
you need to learn
how to treat people
and you need to learn
how to work things through
not just to run away.
some day it will be you
and i hope it makes you a better person
I don’t care
you can stay
the way
you are
far from my love
that I wasted
on someone who just doesn’t really care
I need to be more aware
of people who say I love you
too much
to make up for
the little love they have

I’m glad it’s over
at least I know who you are now
instead of finding out years from now
you’re not a bad person
you just don’t know how to love
and follow through
and work through
the times when things get rough
you’re not tough
but neither am I
so all I can do is sit here
alone and allow myself to cry
over what I thought was real
and hopefully soon
I won’t feel
anything at all for you anymore

2022

You want to leave me
and i can’t argue
i can’t give you anything
that will make you feel
like you should stay
if you’ve already made you way
Out the door
like I’ve seen
many times before
you ever existed in my life
all i can do is cry
as the greatest part of me
continues to die
the end is near
i say words
that have no sound
that you will never hear
the fear
of losing
again
wins.

Sad girl

You sad girl
maybe you didn’t have much
But you met a man who loved you and gave you the world

And you fucked it up
like you always do
Everything you thought you knew

Now you see you know nothing

Give up

Give up

You sad girl
it’s time to give up

Like everyone else has given up on you

the short stick

how does it feel
with no time to say
no room to speak
place to stand
no ears to hear
silenced voice
only hear screams
lost and longing
fall through
in fevered dreams
how do you heal?
I don’t know
how to think
what I feel
what is real
what is fear
what to do
nothing is clear
what is okay
what is right
what is wrong
it’s getting hard
to stay strong
I don’t know how
to feel okay
how to be okay
how to play okay
just enough
to make it through a day
how do I know?
how do I learn
how do I stop
how do I turn
everything around
how to get up
after being pushed
and dragged down
get out of this trap
repair what is lost
fill in every gap?


shut down

no comfort
in speaking
I shut down
when there’s no care
to be aware
you can’t make someone care about
your hurt
your pain
everything I’ve ever love
goes away
but you don’t feel me
how can you feel
what you don’t take the time to feel
less and less time
and you have become comfortable
the truth ignored
I’m losing every sense where I came from
disconnected
and rejected
the child inside of me
is locked in the bathroom
drowning in the tub
my heart in the sink
I can’t make anyone feel me
I can’t make anyone think
I won’t make anyone do anything
they don’t want to do naturally
but I will remain locked inside the bathroom
alone
and have a good cry
as another part of me dies
remain lock in the bathroom
because it’s the only place I feel safe
I lost someone
who meant a lot to me
when I was a child
the two people who created me
were never there
I have no sense of family
that died a long time ago
the only think I know
is people come
and always go
the people who made me
I can’t trust
I don’t really know
made me
feel rejected
replaced
and erased
that’s all they ever show
no one will keep you safe
it’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom
let the water run
so no one can hear the cries
it’s okay to pretend not to notice
as another piece of you dies

Not sad…

I think today I just needed more

And everyday

It feels like less and less

I think I’m gonna just expect

This

Amount

Alone

And

Not want

Not ask

Not expect

Not pursue

Anything

More

Than what someone

Gives naturally.

I tried to communicate this

I did communicate This

My lesson

Is for me

To not want

Need

Anything

More

From anyone

And to give less

Fucks

Because

I don’t need anything

Or anyone….

People give more when they want more

Not when someone else actually needs it

We are all just selfish little creatures

Little monsters

Another xanex

To force myself to fall asleep

Cause I’m not tired

But I wish I was

I’d rather sleep

Than to feel this

I’d rather feel nothing

Than to feel this

Goodnight

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