It’s cold outside

this desire

bottles full of memories

I struggle with the world

without you love

substances find problems

your fear finds misunderstanding

your fear keeps you away

and there’s nothing I can do

to change that

.

time is an island

deserted and alone

afraid to be forgotten

trying to survive

why must the wind

be so harsh?

the fallen

leaves

dance

on.

abandon

walls.

suicide without being able

to die

you take the path

of habit

devils and wolves

hijacked you

and your love

it really doesn’t matter now…

does it?

impossible to

get through

to you.

you got what

you wanted.

me removed.

i give up

and turn away

And stay

That way

On the path that

No longer leads to you.

  • kc

2018

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I’m not here. I’m not there.

“Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife, baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley
Through the middle of my skull

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
Oh oh oh, I’m on fire”

-Bruce Springsteen

A rant. Needed to get sometime off my chest

Anger

Outrage

Mean and hurtful words

Name calling

Expecting more

Then they’re willing to give

Doesn’t know the meaning of loving someone unconditionally

Changes the rules to fit whatever works for them and then only

Lies

Threatens

Doesn’t follow through

Abusive

Blames

Ignores

Is unfair

Is unkind

Is mean

Is untrustworthy with actions words and behavior

Unable to see themselves the way others do

Unable to go get professional help

No self control over the things that actual need it

No appreciation for peoples time she effort and feelings.

Abandons never says sorry

Is inconsistent in everything said and done

And I’m not the only one

Who has felt

His crazy

Delilusionsal side.

His games

His excuses

His childish ways

Get old

…..

Talking with a friend today

About this

And she said everything a already no know.

He’s just no good

Because HE chooses to be no good

Not because he’s around women that only see the bad but because they actually sees his bad. And there’s a lot.

He would always threaten me with dating someone else or how he could get someone better or with some other loser chicks naked pics on his phone.

And there’s so much more

Why would I ever want to be with him.

Yeah maybe his good side was good and we had great times

But that never lasted.

The last time he went off on me was because I was at work and I texted him. He didn’t reply so I went home to get some things I needed for the next day and he got pissed and told me not to go over cause he was at some urge girls house (which was A lie- I think but who fucking knows)

Theb he called me the worst things imaginable.

All one day after saying to each other we were going to start all over and let the past be the past and not get so angry and vengeful.

I tried all I could for the next day

Only to have him NOT TRY AT ALL

More name calling

More games

More anger

More lies

And I sill tried

So if he ever wonders why

I’m no longer here

It’s cause no one would put up with that kind of abusive behavior

Why would I want to?

It’s shit

And someone much better for me

Will show me much more than he

Could ever show

I don’t want someone who doesn’t even care

To grow

As a person in the best ways he can

He is a sad and lonely man

Who had my love

Until he kept fucking it up

And not he has nothing of me

And I ain’t ever going back

He’s too old to actually change.

And I don’t give a fuck

Cause I know that my love was true

And everyone knows he just took me for granted

Like he does with so many other things

I’m sick

I’m sick

And i don’t need someone so stupid and blind

WHO CAN NEVER ADMIT HIS FAULTS OR WHEN HE’S WRONG

Who would actually want that kind of a “man ”

I’m better off taking a Chance on someone new

Anything is better than him

Ugh

-kc

(Everything you were afraid of

Is now coming true

Thanks to you)

Sometimes the hurt becomes too much

I thought I would be done with this blog.

But I was wrong.

I’m wrong sometimes.

Tonight I just don’t know what this life is all about.

I’m sitting in a bar

Waiting for a man that will never come.

Ha!

What can I do?

I can swear on everything that’s means anything

I can shout it from the mountain tops

How much I love you

I’m on your side.

But i still am here alone

And it’s okay

I get used to the pain

I guess we all do

I want the best

But it doesn’t matter if I’m the only one who does.

I just breathe

And just allow it

Cause I can fight for love

And. Lose.

And it would just suck more

So I have to love the best parts of us

And hold that in my heart

And just go on

The best way I can.

I can’t carry any more

Try to think about it

As if you were me

And you would be spent and hopeless too.

You want me gone

Your wish is your command

You had many opportunities

To be different

To change

But you didn’t

You had many chances

You didn’t take

I told you

What you chose to ignore

This is not a poem about you

This nothing more than than

A retirement

A white flag

A last note

To myself

I tried

But it was effort put in to the wrong thing

If I put that effort

In the right thing

I would have been okay

It would have been better

I would have made it

I would have seen the good

I can’t fix what is so far broken

Broken before me

And only there to break me now

Not to do me any good

I can’t win in a situation set up

For me to fail.

You win

You can be ” happy” without me

I will give you no more love

I will give you no more time

I will disappear just like you want

These words I write aren’t meant for your eyes

Cause you do not exist

I do not exist

You made it this way

And I am no longer here for you

Ha

I only miss your good side

Especially when I’m miserable living here.

But you don’t give a fuck about how I feel

You always got to make it about you

Like I’m up to no good and i love it here and blah blah blah

If you only knew

How much I want out right now

Maybe you would think twice about acting the way you do

Cause I’m not happy here

I can’t afford moving out – it’s so expensive now

And I’m sad that you aren’t the loving person I thought you were

You’re not even strong enough to deal with the truth

You gotta make up lies just to justify treating me like dirt /like nothing

Well I guess I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t even know or care to know the truth

I hate it here

And I hate that you are so fucked up to see

How much I really needed you

To make things feel somewhat OK

You’re evil

You are exactly the kind of person you keep saying I am

And the kind of person

Everyone who has something going for them – should stay away from

The good you gave was fake

You’re a fake

You’re a liar

And for someone who talks about how important giving their word is and following through is-

You sure as hell don’t practice what you preach

All you did was make me feel bad for things that I don’t even do

YOU DO

And you’re so narrow minded to even look beyond what WHAT YOU BELIEVE is right that you won’t even take in to consideration that you could be very very wrong

You have no humility

You have no grace

You’re just another mouth

On a forgotten face

Always running away

Cause you’re afraid

I’m not evil

But if it helps you sleep at night to think I am

Then you’re a pussy

Who’s so scared of being hurt you have to believe these lies and stories you create in your head

If anyone is a waste of space

It’s you

Cause you really don’t think you have to change

And you really don’t care to

You just want to continue to be the way you are… Blaming others

Finding fault in the people who actually loved you

And running away from your problems that you create

That’s not living

That’s just being a shitty person

IT’S YOU THAT HAS NO CONSCIENCE

But you’re blind

And will lose out in the end

Cause I’ve lost love for you

And rightfully so

You gave me nothing good to hold on to

But a few really nice times when you actually allowed yourself to be loved and be loving

Ha

But that’s so rare

Most of the time you’re angry or barely there

So you win

You have beat my love for you out

To the point where I hardly care

Cause I see how little you do / how little you’ve done

that’s worth caring about

All you care about is protecting your little fragile self – so much that you end up hurting the ones who actually love you –

What a sad person you have become. And that you can’t blame on me

I will never let you in my heart again

You only know how to destroy

Or abandon everything you create.

Yeah you’re a good man. Ha. Yeah right.

You’re a dead beat person to everyone.

New job. New perspective. New life. New me.

I don’t change things that are good

Just cause you can only see the bad

I never had problems with people questioning my loyalty or trust before.

What’s good in me you’ll never see

And anything that I know I need to work on

You amplify and treat

So much worse.

You treat me like I’m evil

Yet I’m not the evil one

You have done so much to hurt

to push

To provoke

To cause pain

And yet you think it’s me who’s evil?

It’s you.

But you can’t and you won’t ever see that.

You will never really see yourself as you actually are

And you will never see yourself the way others see you.

But hey that’s on you.

I know who I am.

You don’t know me

And it’s sad

That you really don’t Know me at all.

What’s even more sad

Is that you really believe you do

Just cause of some Bullshit idea you have of women

Based on your fucked up past.

Or may you believe all that Bullshit with me cause that’s how you truly are or were

But that ain’t me babe

And it ain’t me babe

Who’s gonna deal with the crazy insane you anymore

You

You don’t care about love.

And you don’t care about me.

You try to protect yourself so much from getting hurt that you end up not really living.

It’s death

And I can’t live like that.

I won’t.

The city

walk around aimlessly at night.

I wonder what you were like as a child.

Before they fucked with you.

I bet you were wonderful and beautiful.

why do I write?

why do I write?

I write to express myself.
I write to create.
I write to discover.
I write because I can’t NOT do it.
I write because I enjoy writing.
I write to share a little bit about myself and to learn a lot about myself.
I write cause I’m inspired.
I write to inspire.
I write for me.
I write for you.
I write to feel better.
I write to purge.
I write to love.
I write because I love.
I write because I hate.
I write for all the times I could not speak.
I write to reflect. I write to relate.
I write to release.
I write to recognize.
I write to recharge.
I write to record.
I write to refrain.
I write to repair.
I write to return.
I write to revolt.
I write to revolve.
I write to remember. I write to forget. .
I write because it makes the loneliness feel less lonely.
I write because I learn from writing.
I write because it’s what keeps me from pulling the trigger too quickly.
I write because I want to write…
because I need to write and because I love to write.

why do you write?

Stupid

That’s all.

Lol