the way you treated me
was completely fucked up and wrong
I don’t care about your excuses
-up until the day you left
everything you said and did
and all that we shared before -was beautiful I was just depressed
and I didn’t deserve to be left the way you left me
this is how I feel
I don’t want you back
if I knew who you really were I wouldn’t have wanted you at all.
you are not trustworthy
I didn’t need you to be stronger
but maybe that’s something you need to be
because you wanted all my support and love and reassurance when you needed it .
but I got depressed (which I communicated to you. I even warned you about how the holiday season is a really difficult time for me)
and what did I get in return
someone with no backbone
who lied
and left
someone who didn’t even try like he promised.
your words mean nothing.
you made me believe you
all the promises you made
I even asked you to please not say things
you didn’t intend on following through with
you didn’t try at all
you didn’t communicate anything to me before that day you left
it hurt when you left
it hurt like hell
I’ve never felt that kind of pain.
because I thought I loved you
but I loved someone you pretended to be when you wanted it
I don’t love people who lie
and say things just to make me feel safe
only to turn into the exact opposite kind of person with the flip of a switch and without any warning.
you caused me more harm than good
because you’re selfish and you don’t know what real love takes.
you d0n’t just give up on. people
if you were the person I thought you were- then we could have worked anything out. I would have. I know my issues. I know I need to work on them but you traumatized me and I’m finally getting out of that because I see who you are now.
it’s easy to say love when everything is good and there’s love
it’s easy to say peace when there’s peace –
it’s when things are difficult and people are difficult that we really need to show love.- not when it’s easy-
I’ve never had anyone treat me as messed up and disposable as you did
I would have never done that to you
Try to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. if you were going through something that was really hard for you and you communicated that to me but you also communicated that your depression had nothing to do with me- and I made you feel safe and I kept telling you I loved you more…
and then you had a really bad day because of a bunch of things that were piling up – and you needed me – because you thought you could count on me because I told you you could always count on me-
and then I just bailed on you. no effort no care. just took off and didn’t even tell you I was driving all the way back home
how would you feel? if when you needed me the most -I just abandon you and don’t even care to tell you – but I tell your roommate or friend.
that’s how you treat someone you hate.
I’m pretty sure that would make you feel worthless and probably make you feel crazy because it made me that way. I thought I had something/someone who was wonderful, trustworthy and who really loved me- and you abandoned me like i never meant a thing to you .
you shut off all your love and care in such a cruel way. I could have done that to you but. I accepted all of you and you grumpy and selfishness and faults.
I would have never let you in my life at all if I knew how you could flip like that.
I don’t want to be with you but we promised each other we would always talk and work things out. YOU LIED. and LEFT LIKE I MEANT NOTHING.
what you did was really messed up. you fooled me
anytime you NEEDED MY reassurance I gave it to you and then you took away all the love I thought (you made me believe )was real
I told you about my family (which is pretty much the reason I have a difficult time in relationships because I’ve never had anyone in my family growing up that was consistent and who ever made me feel loved or safe) and you did exactly that- UNSAFE and didn’t even give me the love that I gave you when you were all selfish and mean. I always accepted you apology and we would always end up communicating about it in a healthy way.
but you wouldn’t even give me that –
just to be treated like less than nothing –
like all that we shared didn’t even deserve a real effort
like I don’t deserve someone who actually cares and loves me enough to work it out.
like I deserve to feel abandoned by you after all the love you told me you had and gave me –
you don’t know what love is
or what it takes- it does take work and that’s why some people are worth it and others are just superficial and selfish like you.
I just want you to understand how you made me feel
and really think about how you would have felt if I had done that to you when you needed me the most-
I’m a stranger to you now.
I am not in your life
and I don’t want to be
I can’t give someone like you love – you want love on your terms
you wan to be accepted but you take off when I needed you
you shut your feelings off in a day after all the times you said I was the person you “loved so much and wanted to grow old with”
ha only now to treat me like I don’t even exist.
anyone who can switch their feelings off like that – is scary
I might be intense at times because I get scared too but I’m a good person and I loved the you I thought you were with all of my heart and would have never done anything to intentionally hurt you even when you were not the ideal person in the moment. I definitely wouldn’t have abandoned you like that if you communicated to me that you were down and needed me.
you messed with my head and heart – and how I had to deal with that all alone. it was hard and confusing and I was extremely lonely and depressed. I didn’t even leave my room for days upon days and I couldn’t even go to work some days.
it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt like I lost a part of myself because we were so close – to go from that to this – would fuck anyone up.
just don’t expect people to accept you and all your issues when you don’t really love and mean or follow through with what you say and make people believe.
I shouldn’t have let you in.
but I also never thought that you would do this because everything you ever did and said just a day before gave me no red flag that you would be such a cold and dead person inside.
that is sociopathic psychopathic and just really not someone worth my time.
I just hope you can stop being so selfish and think about if I had done that to you – in the way you have done that to me-
I did nothing to deserve to be cut off like someone you don’t even care about
I’VE ACCEPTED THAT YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME AND YOU DON’T CARE. I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE OR CARE ANYMORE. I just want you to never make someone else feel the way you made me feel
I also don’t need to talk to you after this. you had many chances to show some care and you never did. so that’s enough to make me not have any reason to care about you anymore. I packed up your stuff and I’m sending it to you. I threw out all your notes – I was gong to send them back to you because I don’t need a reminder of all the bullshit you made me believe.
at least at the time I meant what I said….
I don’t like you and I definitely don’t love you after you love bombed me and then discarded me. I’m sorry I’m jus amazed that someone who acted so loving could actually be so heartless inside and you fooled everyone.
I got rid of most of the things you gave me too – I was going to send it back to you…. but that’s pointless too – it was all fake. no one needs a reminder of that.
I do love Shelby and you mom though. your mom gave me the best hug -I’ve never been hugged by any mother (not even my own ) like that. it was truly the most heartfelt and nurturing hug I’ve ever received by a mother
so if there was anything good about you – it was having that moment with your mom. I start to cry thinking about that.
I hope whoever you’ve found or find makes you happy. i obviously couldn’t do it -and I should have never tried. just don’t bail on people who have your back and wouldn’t abandon you. I was depressed and I have poor coping skills but it’s something I’ve been trying to work on for a long time. I just need someone who’s consistent and means what they say. I guess deep down I knew you didn’t.
.
I loved you because I thought you were sensitive and loving and kind – I believed you when you said all that bullshit but now I know better. it’s not about strength – it’s just about being a decent person which you are not – at least not to me.
good luck and bye.
skin loves fever 