Author: b-side junkie

no comfort
in speaking
I shut down
when there’s no care
to be aware
you can’t make someone care about
your hurt
your pain
everything I’ve ever love
goes away
but you don’t feel me
how can you feel
what you don’t take the time to feel
less and less time
and you have become comfortable
the truth ignored
I’m losing every sense where I came from
disconnected
and rejected
the child inside of me
is locked in the bathroom
drowning in the tub
my heart in the sink
I can’t make anyone feel me
I can’t make anyone think
I won’t make anyone do anything
they don’t want to do naturally
but I will remain locked inside the bathroom
alone
and have a good cry
as another part of me dies
remain lock in the bathroom
because it’s the only place I feel safe
I lost someone
who meant a lot to me
when I was a child
the two people who created me
were never there
I have no sense of family
that died a long time ago
the only think I know
is people come
and always go
the people who made me
I can’t trust
I don’t really know
made me
feel rejected
replaced
and erased
that’s all they ever show
no one will keep you safe
it’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom
let the water run
so no one can hear the cries
it’s okay to pretend not to notice
as another piece of you dies

I think today I just needed more

And everyday

It feels like less and less

I think I’m gonna just expect

This

Amount

Alone

And

Not want

Not ask

Not expect

Not pursue

Anything

More

Than what someone

Gives naturally.

I tried to communicate this

I did communicate This

My lesson

Is for me

To not want

Need

Anything

More

From anyone

And to give less

Fucks

Because

I don’t need anything

Or anyone….

People give more when they want more

Not when someone else actually needs it

We are all just selfish little creatures

Little monsters

Another xanex

To force myself to fall asleep

Cause I’m not tired

But I wish I was

I’d rather sleep

Than to feel this

I’d rather feel nothing

Than to feel this

Goodnight

I hear doubt
and then I. start to feel the same
it’s not your fault
there’s no one to blame
but I’m too old
too cold
too scared
too familiar
with men
and their in and out game
I’m fine without it
if you doubt it
even a bit
I will quit
I’ve had a life long lesson
on how to get over it
and over things
I’ve learned how to not want
what does not want me
I’ve learned how to
change how I feel
from changing how I see
sometimes it’s just a better way to be
than to be rejected
neglected
deflected
vivisected
disconnected

I will let it be
and if you really need and want and love me
more than I love you
we would be together
right now.

I just don’t want to be here

And feel this anymore

I am alone

always have been

And now…

Alone again

Maybe it’s just that no one understands

And I can’t make you understand

The pain i feel

I don’t want to try

Even this writing

Is stupid and doesn’t fit in

Doesn’t belong

Just like me

Mother’s little helper

Help me sleep

It all away

when I feel
like I can’t be
who
I think I should be
I start to see
what I’m not.

more importantly
I feel
it all
I feel
everything
and nothing
and everything all over again
and I don’t know how to deal

with more than you know
with more than I show
what’s real to me
may not be real to you
but I want to be understood
instead of this
miss
communication
misconnection

you have been complaining
about everything I’m not
making me feel bad
like this ended because of me
but what you fail to see
is you stopped
caring long ago
you expected me to show
you everything
when you gave me little
but everything you gave had a price
if you didn’t get your way
you weren’t very nice
I was tired
stressed
burnt the fuck out
instead of understanding
you made me feel doubt
no birthday card
no valentine
no special something
sometimes
to show me
I meant something
to you
and now you have the nerve
to make me feel like
it was me who wasn’t true.
ha!
all the good people give to you
you handle carelessly
and viciously
and think it’s justified
all the responsibilities
you just let go to the wayside
careless
heartless
loveless
you
I wish I never knew
if I had a clue that this was who you are
I would have kept you far
far
far
away.

now it’s clear
that you aren’t someone I want near
I will stay clear
away from you
and move on
to someone who is willing to grow
and show
love
not just sit there and expect me to do all the work
you are just a jerk

I loved you but you were not ready for love.
goodbye.