Uncategorized – skin loves fever

With or without you

I guess i shouldn’t have trusted you

You didn’t even care to listen

A Fuck

A suck

That’s all it ever was

Well I’m glad to know the real you now

Even if I don’t know you- and will never know you at all.

If you even have the attention span for this. This podcast is spot on

Stale

Your silence speaks volumes

It puts me out

Into place

I won’t share space

With you

Again

I hope it was worth it.

Goodbye

It is what it is

It gets lonely here

But I guess it’s time for me to be alone

Sometimes I miss when i had people around

Then I remember what made me leave

Or disconnect

Or eject

And then I don’t miss it or them at all

I don’t want the company of people

Who make me have to build a wall

Just to protect myself

From others always aiming to project their shit

Onto me

People see what they want to see

And ignore what they don’t want to change

While I’m sitting here alone

always trying to rearrange

The shit i know that’s fucked up about me

All I want is to just be

Happy

But happiness comes for those who stay blind

Shadow the mind

Don’t jump in the deep

Even asking a question

Might break you open

And then questions start to seep

Like Pandoras box

Like ol’ can o’ worms

Don’t open it up

Keep it shut

Remember what being curious did to the cat ?

You don’t want that

Cause once you go there

You can never go back

Just fiill up your cup

With fluff

And stuff

Take the blue pill

And stay happy

Oh well

I’m proud that you are playing music again

But you treat me like a stranger

Like I never meant anything to you

And that’s hurtful

And cruel

So you can do that

But I won’t be there

To care

Waiting for you

To do

That to me anymore.

I’m not mad.

I’m disappointed that someone so strong

Is so beat down

And has no more faith

I tried so hard

But that’s my problem

I shouldn’t try

With someone like you

Because you never do

So you had all my love

And you threw it away

But I’m okay

Because I love you

I accept you

And finally with love

An Leting you go.

I don’t need your love
besides you do not know what love really is
I am not bitter
I am not sad
I am not mad
I accept that you are not capable
of loving
and caring
for another human being.
you are not able to take the bad
but you will take the good
and that’s not how it works.
we all have our bad and good.
true care and love understands this.
it’s not easy.
but everyone wants it to be easy
how weak is that?
you get hurt
and you give up
well we all get hurt
but some of us don’t give up
the ones who are able to see our own difficult selves
are the ones who are able to deal with other people’s difficulties.
the ones who can’t see themselves
get hurt
and give up.
they are weak and quite stupid.
the beauty is not giving up
on someone who has always tried to be there for you
giving up on people who never ignore you the way that you ignore them
is why you lose.
you lose
you have made the choice to ignore
someone who would have always had your back
for what?
fear.
lack of patience
lack of care
lack of love

well I accept you for you
but I would never want to lose out on someone or something great
out of fear that sometimes with great things comes great pain
but in the same respect
comes great love
love you will never know
beyond shallow surface levels

I have dealt with some of the worst of you
and the best of you
and all you see is the worst in me
not even acknowledging that I have dealt with the worst in you
and still give you love and appreciation

you have pushed me away
I am good
and I loved you will all of my heart.

all the times you have ignored me
has only made you lose
you are not living
you are waiting for things to die
you’re perfectly okay
with saying goodbye
before its time
what a waste of the life we have left

calluses

playing cello
for hours every day
until my fingers
would blister and bleed
my youthful hands
with such soft fingertips
with every press
against the string
slip slide pluck
rip tear and sting
fuck!
it hurt like hell
if it didn’t produce
such a beautiful sound
I would have smashed my cello
into the ground
but instead
I just played
through the pain
years of abuse
wax and wane

until one day
I didn’t hurt anymore
callused skin
no longer thin
but now rough and tough
worn and torn
broke down
raw
so I turned it around
and it was war!
Cause I’ve been through this shit
too many times before
to just run away
and stay
full of fear
I can play music
but I can’t play
like I’m okay
when I’m not
so…I faced life and said
“give me what you got”
be careful what you ask for
or demand
cause life sometimes
has got the upper hand
but after years of low
after I’ve taken every blow
another cut with your knife
another sucker punch you throw
only goes to show
that I’m still here
and
just so you know
if you want me to fight
then you want me to win
so I’ll roll up my sleeves
once again…

Let the games begin

stop

what are we celebrating?
do you even know?
I hate doing things
just because I’m told
I’m getting too old
for this
I don’t want to deal with
all the fucking people
outside
on the street
all the fucking people
in my town
I never want to meet.
all the fucking people
who take up space
in every corner
every place
this used to feel like home
but now it feels like hell
I’m not buying
what everyone is trying to sell.
I want love
I want green
I want to touch the earth
I don’t want to be seen
by anyone but you 😉

Costco sucks

Traffic jam inside a traffic jam

This is a city full of cars but no parking spots

And I’m stuck inside the parking lot

of costco

The clubhouse of consumption

with so many members

A mob of hungry people

pushing around their shopping carts

They can’t even do that well

They push and walk like they drive

So Angry and stupid

I just want to get out of here alive.

Fuck costco

I’d rather save my soul (and my time) than a couple of measly bucks

split hit

hurt becomes normal
no one notices
you can feel yourself start to fade away
no grace
stuck in a place
you can’t escape
loose words
lose meaning
hurt becomes normal
you can’t kill what is already dead
and he can’t take back
what he fails to see
and all the ugly deeds and hurtful words he said
just like grandpa
who confused your little head
with words that don’t match actions
when the line becomes too blurred
knowing wrong
but told it’s right
being sold as gold
until one day you’re old
and filled with fright
no one to trust
no one who understands your everlasting struggle
no one understands your daily fight
silenced
into solitude
made to feel stupid
grayed out until you’ve so pushed down
with only vampires and clowns
all around
you lose yourself
and don’t want to be found
it’s not worth it
nothing is worth it
and
you used to have light
you used to have light….

it’s all gone.

Navigating Life at 42: A Journey of Healing, Loneliness, and Self-Discovery

In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.

Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations

As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect

My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.

The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family

One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle

As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.

Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness

While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.

Reaching Out to Others

The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.

Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery

As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.

In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.

Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.

The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.

So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.

The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.

In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.

Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.

Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.