Self split
Can never quite put
My finger on it
But something is there
To make me aware
Of tiny shifts
Of attitude and you
And it’s making me blue
It’s better not to care
Because everyone else doesn’t really seem to anymore
If they ever even did
It’s making me blue
That all I ever was to you (the only one)
Was nothing
Without you
I feel nothing
I miss you
But I know
You don’t
Miss me
He does everything
He doesn’t want me to do to him
And I’m tired of
His hypocrasy
His lost
Is my gain
He’s showing me
What not to care about
All I need to do
Is stay calm
And not get so upset
Over people
Who don’t know how
To care
To make others want to stick around
This is a bad investment
And I’m not putting any more
In to something that returns less and less
It’s worthless
And a waste of my time
And energy
To deal with someone
Who can’t play fair
take another drink
to sink
your mind into
out of the blue
and into the black
just another
sick attack
just another
thing to stack
on top of
all the other
challenges
and
obstacles
I don’t want to understand
but I do
but can’t you stop
and see me
like I see you
tummy churns
and the heart burns
I die a little more
every time
it goes
and blows
a little more
away
all the things I try
but fail
to say
that you
don’t hear
don’t care to listen to
anyway
why do you make me feel this
fucked up way
I’m not okay
This shit sucks
sit
staring at the lines
on a page
sounds
of this and that
I don’t know anymore
my body feels
the desire
the natural beating
and ticking of time
counting down
the hours
made into days
made into-
not that many years
LEFT
biology is weird
bodies are weird
age is weird
life is fucking weird.
time is running out
and fast
I’m a late bloomer
when it comes to things
that the rest of the world
seemed to figure out
long ago
every new
chubby little face
is just a reminder of
what I don’t have
what I may never have
what I threw away many years before
what a waste
how it is that
one day I was young
and now i’m on bordering on
OLD?
this is sick
fuck time frames
fuck windows
fuck restrictions
that I didn’t implement
I’m like a 4 year old child going on 80 but still with a 18 year old feel
ugh
family is all I’ve ever wanted
and yet the furthest thing away
I am in love with you
Thank you for loving me
The way you do
Scorpion sting Aborted fetus Creation of two Left for only one Left for the dead The constant playback in my head Of the last words ever said A belly full of lies a heart less and less of you spitting words lies spoken you can feel the real of fake you try to make off…
— Read on skinlovesfever.com/2013/10/11/whiskey-midnight-mayhem-blues/
defense
tone
walls up
everything else falls down
what happened to keeping me safe?
I guess not when it comes to you
how I feel is stupid
comparisons to an 18 year old
but you?
you never do
anything out of fear?
your turn around
spin of the head – fuck
it pretty damn clear
I don’t put you down
not your feelings
not your fears
not your insecure dumb shit
but I would never call it dumb to you
because it’s not to you
you can hold onto whatever issues you have
stop trying to pass them along to me
I don’t want to be
on the receiving end
of whatever
you chuck
what a fuck
to do this
when all you had to do
was answer
and understand
how to make the person
you care about so much
feel safe
late night walk –
around the block
or two
or ten
in my head
thinking brain
monkey brain
feeling lame
feeling lost
feeling
too much feeling
gotta get out
of this
of it
and I know
that someday I will
but still
until
the day I do
I’m here on this walk
with the talk talk talk
back and forth
like ping pong
right and wrong
repeat song
inside my head
from me to me
and I to I
going through and through
the suck
stuck
fuck
of thoughts
and feels
journey through the
rat race
space inside my face
a trip of fools
or this trip of fool
singular
me
writing this
bad bad bad
I wish I had
something to burn
this page down
delete
backspace
my place off the face
of the earth
kill me
before this kills my heart
okay….
without saying
things that need to be said
to make me know
what to cross out in my head
then I’ll know
what to do
and where to fall
and maybe I won’t
mess it all
up
down
fucked
fucked
fool
I am
I will not
do what I did
before
I will not
fall
I will not
fall
I will fall
somewhere
far
away
from
you
and
play dead
just not to fall
in love
again
