4:14 am Sunday morning

It’s raining and I’m sitting in my car outside my house.

I am alone

And I feel nothing but cold

When you die

You die alone

And I will not go to your funeral

No one will

I will not visit your grave

I will not cry

For I have no tears

Left

For what

I have already begun to forget

I have no fears

I have already lost everything before

You can’t take away anymore

Only years

Which I will forget as well

I will disappear

Like I never was here

And you will be left with

only a shadow

The memories

A reminder

Of my face

You can never replace

You can never erase

But never have back the same again

For I am not the same

I feel nothing but cold

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robert smith is an anomaly

i used to be in love
and i believed
love
could change
the world
or at least
i could change the world
because i was in love

it’s all bullshit
and people are no good
even when they are
the hope begins to fade
just like everything else
and the truth seeps in
slowly
making you
comfortably numb
and then crushes you
you become just like everybody else.

i used to feel
until it killed me
now i just know better
before i let any feelings get too settled in
before anything gets too comfortable
i cut it off
there’s no open door policy
there’s no crashing on my couch
there’s no welcome mat for visitors
or company
i don’t even open the door
when there’s a knock.
it will only lead to ruin
and i’ve been there and done that
and never want to do it again

robert smith
i wish i could be just like you.

How to Make a Woman Happy (with Pictures) – wikiHow funny yet simple

How to Make a Woman Happy. Sometimes women can feel like a mystery. But once you get some helpful pointers, like these from wikiHow, women can start to make a lot more sense and you’ll have an easier time finding ways to make them happy….
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Waiting

Covered my shift

Why did you have to be so cruel when I just needed somee love.

You’re like everybody else

Now is too late

I can’t drive away

My breath thing won’t let me leave

I’m just waiting in my car

For it to Happev

Soon.

You fall through the darkness of your own shadow

That You believe is someone else

Out for the kill

It’s easier to blame the dark figure that follows your every move

Then to blame yourself

You smell of whiskey and a dark past

It lingers off your tongue

And drips into my mouth with every kiss

It stains words

And marks actions thrown

Like daggers

To the heart

Feed the beast

So the beast doesn’t feed on you

This walk to nowhere

You made me feel

Like life was worth living

And then you made me feel

Like it wasn’t

Nothing I did was good enough

Nothing I did

Made you show me

What I needed

Everything you did in the end

Was only

To make this my end.

And I accept.

Day 3

12:45 pm. Woke up to two of my cats bring extra loving and sweet. Was feeling super down last night. I didn’t want to get up and face the day so I went on my phone to watch some videos on YouTube and disconnect. I came across this video called “interview with the devil” a book by Napoleon Hill but it was the audio version and I listened to the whole the twice. Made me realize I was drifing. Anyways here’s the link if you want to check it out : Interview with the Devil

3:10 pm. Went to lunch with a friend. Was fun and it got me out of the house which at first terrified me but was much needed.

4:20 decided to get a manicure and pedicure after lunch. Made me feel better

9:20 pm. I’m at work now. The acoustic act that’s on stage right now is singing a song about death.

Lol sometimes you have to laugh at shit that’s the devil poking fun at you.

Tonight is pretty dead.

Can’t sleep

It’s cold in my room

And I don’t like being alone tonight

I just want to fall asleep

Fuck it

Help

Day 2

11:30 am woke up in a daze. I have my drum lesson at 1 pm. Don’t really feel like going but I know it will make me feel better. I know not going is going to make me feel worse

3:19 pm just got out of my drum lesson. It went well. I do feel a little better. Went over some old stuff and my teacher taught me some new stuff. My teacher is awesome. She’s really inspiring and is really good at what she does. Both drumming and teaching. Maybe that’s why I’m doing so well at something I always loved and fascinated by but thought I could never do. Not everyone with knowledge or expertise in something should or could be a teacher. It takes a certain kind of person to really teach others. I’m grateful for the great teachers out there like her who actually love teaching and have the patience passion talent and understanding to do it. A great teacher makes all the difference between a person who succeeds and one who doesn’t.

Anyways we finished the lesson by me playing along to the song “Eye of the Tiger” lol.

8:15 pm. When I got home from my drum lesson around 4:15 pm i went upstairs to my room and started sketching some ideas out. I didn’t look at my phone until 8 pm. Saw he texted me. Got depressed. I feel hopeless. Replying will do me no good. It’s a trap and I don’t want to fall for it again. I’m turning my phone on vibrate and putting it in my purse. Now I’m going to go get dinner. One step at a time. I’ll try not to let him get to me. I’m still hurting and sad but for now I will try to put that aside and just live in the moment.

Ugh I feel so alone and helpless.

I miss the good side of him but I can’t ignore the bad side cause that is part of the reason I’ve been feeling the way I do right now.

I don’t have any resentment or anger towards anyone today. Except for myself but I know that’s not my own thoughts that’s just me resorting back to old beliefs and past trauma.

OK. I’m going to get dinner now. I just want to be okay.

10:07 pm. I’m home again. I’m going to paint for a bit and then go to bed. I don’t feel very good and maybe tomorrow will be better. I just want to sleep until I don’t feel sad and depressed anymore.

Day two was much harder than day one.

When will it get easier?

If you only knew the reply the voice inside my head just gave…

Sigh.

This…sucks

Another one on gaslighting

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-victims-of-gaslighting-stay-and-how-to-finally-leave

Diathesis stress model

mentalhealthathome.org/2019/03/29/what-is-a-diathesis-stress-model/