skin loves fever

we were together
on and off
for awhile.
it’s been 10 years since that first night we went out
which was magical
and I spent 3 days with you
and you wanted me there
and I wanted to be there with you
and I loved the way that felt
and the way you were
but we change.
you were just as fucking crazy as me – if not more-
you let your past fucked up painful relationships dictate how much and how little you gave me.
and I loved you anyways.
hell you pulled a fucking gun on me while I was asleep on your birthday because you were drunk
and I knew that was bullshit and wrong but I loved you so I was willing to deal with your insane crazy bullshit
as long as you were willing to deal with mine.

but now we have grown apart.
you no longer want me
no longer love me
and you know what I’m okay with that.

I still have love for you
but I’m no longer in love with you
because you don’t care and you never will.

I look back at the time we were together and I am happy that I got to share that with you – even as crazy as it fucking was. even with how crazy you are – even with how hot and cold and confusing you made me feel. I have no regrets. because I loved you – and I did try to make it right again – but you didn’t want that with me anymore.

and now I don’t want that with you anymore.
so you don’t have to say that you’re never home and then when I ask why – you as secretive as you have always been – and still are- give me an obvious reply… and I don’t care that you’re with someone else.
I’m happy that you are – if you’re happy then I’m happy.

that’s all I wanted you to be was happy – even if it’s not with me.

I’m getting married tomorrow. –
going to the courthouse first because we can’t wait any longer.
and our wedding ceremony and reception will be at the end of May.

so no hard feelings – you weren’t strong enough to deal with anything more – especially me – anyway. ha but I was strong enough to deal with you.
that’s funny

I guess that’s why I found someone who is strong – doesn’t run away- doesn’t play games- and wants to deal with me ( which makes me so much easier to deal with) and I want to deal with him and everything he throws my way- because it’s not the toxic – angry- half here- mostly there -somewhere else with someone else- confusing hot and cold -abusive avoidant “relationship” (if you could even call it that- when you were never fully in) that we had.

he doesn’t blame me for everything – because he’s man enough to see himself -good and not-so-good, and he works on himself (and I work on myself ) so that we work better together.

it’s easy. when two people really want to be together – they do whatever it takes to make it work.

you were special to me – so I’ve always checked in on you because I don’t stop caring about someone I loved as much as I once loved you…
but I don’t care if you are with someone who makes you happy.
I really want that for you
– just don’t take it for granted – and don’t just give up and run away – the second something goes wrong.

you don’t give up on love –

love is worth it

even if you get hurt

you learn
you heal
you grow
and you love again

some people never have that

I wish you the most wonderful life L.F.M.

thank you and goodbye