Pillls and booze

Do you ever feel so low

Abd everyone you know

Who says they care

But their words are filled with air

Just fluff

And now I’ve had enough

That I’m fine

I’m done

This living ain’t much fun

And you’re not the one.

I thought you were

You told me you were

As I write this

The world’s becoming a Blur

And my time is running out

If you ever had a doubt

You won’t after tonight

You just wanted to be right

Well then that you shall be

But you won’t ever have me


The end


so this is how the story ends

no words to say
to song to sing
this is the sorrow
this mourning brings
the start of your week
is the end of my day
nothing really matters
to me anyway.
i was happy
when i made you happy
but now the ideas you make up in your head
make you sad
at me
make you mad
at me
and i will never be
who you want
me to be
i will never feel
your sunshine again
but i will always know
this darkness
that you left me in
on this day
that you went away
and made me have to go.
this kind of love
this kind of life
i already know
so well—
so long
so many times
i guess it was me
who was wrong
all along
i don’t fit
in this world
i can’t sit
i don’t have my place
so i quit
this shit
and burn
any trace
of me
you will never see
my face
or my smile
and after a while
you’ll forget that too
this is my goodbye
to you

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sadness and mourning. saying goodbye
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“Suicide Fever” by AA, 1981

I don’t want you. I don’t need you.

I don’t need you.

I lost myself for a bit cause I loved you

But you do everything that goes against what makes a healthier relationship and things that go against my standards

-you don’t communicate in a way that is clear and constructive

-you get angry at everything you don’t like for reasons I don’t understand

  • when you get angry you put me down, call me names like stupid and crazy

-you ignore me and turn everything around even your bad behavior so that it’s my fault. You make me expressing my feelings like I’m wrong for having them or I’m wrong for expressing them. Even even I’m calm and just ask a question you blow up and disrespect me on a level that is unacceptable

-you don’t show you care. You don’t think of me or want to spend money on me like gifts or things like that. I always offer to /pay for things cause I want to. I buy you gifts and things that I think you’ll enjoy cause I want to. I never make you feel bad for all the money I’ve spent on you cause I like doing those things for someone I love. when you do spend some money on me you always have to bring it up and complain about how much money you spent on this or that and that’s not the kind of man I want. Cheap men or men who don’t value my worth or do nice things just because are not worthy men.

  • you make up stories or beliefs about me that aren’t true and treat me badly cause of these fictional beliefs. You think I’m always trying to be with someone else cause I’m friendly and I’m a bartender. I have both male and female friends you are allowed to meet and be a part of. You keep all your female friends hidden when I’m around yet when I’m not around they are.You’re trying to make me insecure cause you are and I deserve better

-you don’t try. You can never admit when you’re in the wrong and you don’t try to change. You think the way you are is fine and in a relationship it’s not.

  • i was always the one to fight for our relationship cause you give up any time there’s a little disagreement. And you bring up the past when something reminds you of it yet I’m never allowed to bring the past up cause you tell me to get over it. You’re not fair. You don’t behave in way that makes me feel taken care of and loved. You’re secretive. You can never talk without it being a fight and you don’t allow me to express myself when you’ve done something that is not okay without getting defensive and without bringing up false accusations or things about me just to deflect your wrong doingings.
  • you don’t appreciate me fully at all

  • you tell me how you can have other women

Then go ahead cause I can have a much better quality of man than you.

I don’t need your mind games, abusive behavior and toxicity in my life.

I was so focused on you that it made me forget what my standards are and you’re not meeting them at all.

  • you ignore me when you don’t like something I do even when it’s you who started it.

-you act stupid and I don’t want to be a stupid person. That’s what you tell me but in actuality that’s what I should be telling you. But i wouldn’t say it in such a mean way

  • you create a hot and cold inconsistent environment and feel that is unneeded and that I do not want in my life.

-you’ve lost me cause of your lack of self awareness and true awareness , your lack of empathy, your lack of respect and care, and because of your lack of change.

You can’t expect me to change everything while you can just continue to act the same way that i find unacceptable and do not want in a partner.

You’re a different person every day. I don’t know who I’m going to get.

You are a man of low worth because you don’t strive to be better towards people who genuinely love you. You just don’t care. Your past relationships make you bitter and make you give less to our relationship that is now no more.

You don’t deserve me.

You deserve someone like you. Someone who gets angry doesn’t care puts you down ignores you never thinks about you never reaches out. Plays games and makes you feel insecure.

I no longer want to be in a relationship with you because you are not ready and you are not willing to see what you do.

I will no longer be just an option to you while I made you a priority.

You lost me cause I realized what the fuck have I been going getting so upset and feeling bad over someone who’s in the wrong 89% of the time but can’t take accountability for it. You blame me for your bad behavior and it’s not me. My mistake was allowing you to get away with it and allowing you to take away my self worth. I realize my worth and I can do SO much better than you.

When a man really values a woman and their relationship he’ll make efforts instead of making excuses or playing games.

You are not that man.

You offer me nothing that I want or need in my life.

Your crumbs of love were not enough and will never be good enough for someone to actually want it unless they are as insecure as you.

I’m glad I realized this today. I was being stupid for giving so much to someone who gave very little and really didn’t want to give at all.

I’m going to do my own thing and heal and then move on to the things that make me feel good and that work with me. People that show me and act in ways that show me that they want me around and value me.

This is the most happy I’ve felt in a long time.


happiness is a warm …


you thought I was going to write gun huh?

yeah me last year (hell last month) probably would have

but I know who I am

and sometimes all I need is to

lay down


and a warm blanket to comfort me

or just to feel comfortable.

a blanket won’t cause me a heart attack

a blanket doesn’t scream at me and call me names and then abandon me after it’s used me as a punching bag for shit that isn’t even in the right now

a blanket makes me feel safer than he’s ever made anyone feel

happiness really is a warm blanket

and when that doesn’t work

a warm gun




photo credit from this website

Happiness is a Warm Gun

the mourning of my past

i dip
and slip
under the moon
and fall past
the last
hand comin’ round too soon
i skate
and wait
for nothing cause it’s so much fun
to chase the moon
and run from the sun
i smile and spin
as something within
starts to begin
i dance and prance
and fly through the air
without a doubt or a single care
and as the morning dew
comes into view
i say goodbye
to the past
i held onto
what was
was then
and what is
is now
i got stuck between
the years somehow
so hello this moment
hello today
i am present
i am here
and i am okay
my eyes are open
my ears are open
my heart is open
i am open
to be me now.





Look at how you are clearly

If you saw yourself

Through your eyes looking at someone else

You would hate you.

I am lonely

But you can free me

All in the way that you smile..,


I had you

And now I don’t

What did I do that made you stop loving me ?

God this is the hardest most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever felt

To be less than what I used to be to you

Makes me feel less than

Nice to see your face

Still heartbreaking all the same

I guess I now know

I have to let you go

Csuse you let me go

A long time ago

But it was nice to see your face

I’ll miss

So very much


The only one I would ever marry is you.

It’s always been


always will be


Some things

Some things

I get over easily

Some take time

Very few things

I’ll never get over

And you are one of those few things.

Makes life unbeatable

And the less I enjoy

What good is it

If this feeling won’t go away?

What good am I

When this makes me unhappy every day?

It’s not and I’m not

I can’t do this anymore

Without you

Without your love

I just don’t feel like doing this