Thursday July 9 2020 12:25am

I wanted to feel loved

I wanted to matter enough to someone

I wanted to give love and trust that someone would give it back in times that were rough

But it’s hard for people to be kind

When they don’t like something

Or when something or someone makes them feel something they don’t want to feel.

People fail each other all the time

It just hurts me in a different way because I don’t give my true self to just anyone

And when I do

I’m trusting that they won’t reject or mistreat that part of me – that’s like a child

I’m grateful for the things I’ve been given

I just wanted you to understand me and be kind.

I didn’t want to feel like this again

Abandoned stupid and misunderstood

If you listen you will know what is needed

And if you don’t know

Then maybe you didn’t really want to listen

My feelings are valid

My efforts were true

Love is not shutting someone down or out when they are being difficult or too much

Love is feeling the other person. going inside their head and body and feeling through their heart and seeing things through their eyes and helping them feel safe.

Empathy

Too much to ask of one another

I guess so

I’m sorry

The things I tried to tell you

You did not care or want to know.

Everything led me to where i am now

Not a place I would want anyone else to be

Do you feel me?

Do you feel me?

Do you feel me now?

Will you only feel me

When I have gone?

Or maybe you’ll never feel me at all.

I’m sorry

Why?

Why do you fight me or reject me

When you know that I’m in pain

When you’ve been hurt by another person before

We were suppose to be on the same team

I was suppose to matter more than a trip to the bar

Just once

But it’s never

I’m always last

Or not at all

So that just sets it in stone

I don’t know why I’m here

If being here is only showing me

That I don’t belong

I’ve never had a home

And that I’m not even important enough

To love

When I need it the most

We all need love

And I give it

Even when it’s hard

Even right now

As I’m losing all hope

For myself

I am loving myself

Right now

To protect myself

From this ever happening again.

Waves

You want me to talk

Tell you how I feel

Until you don’t like what you hear

Then it’s all the same

Talk

Talk

Talking to myself

Only intensifies my pain

What if i ignored you

Treat you like you do

me

Can’t you even see?

No you get cold

And cold gets old

And old is this feeling

Of not being a part

Of always being in the dark

And I’m tired of needing something

From you

That you refuse to give

When it’s needed the most.

Stuck

I need a way out

Nothing you say or do

Makes me feel good

When I create something

When I express something

When I am

I feel no love

In the way

That I understand.

And I have to make room for

Your art

Everything you want to share

And I care

But you really don’t care

Much about me.

And what i need

Not about the money

It’s about feeling taken care of and thought about

And i don’t

I think of you

And will buy you anything

And usually offer

Or pay for it all

But you rarely do

You buy me dinner sometimes

And I’m grateful

But I don’t feel special

In a romantic way

It just feels bad

And whatever

I need to stop being so nice

Everyone is out for themselves

Which is how I need to be

Piece by piece

It hits

Without warning

And the tears begin

To fall

Once it starts

It’s hard to stop

It floods my heart

Doesn’t drown my pain

It has no regard

It stops and

Never really stops

Comes in waves

But never goes

Though you are gone

I miss you

More than anyone will ever know

you will never know

How much I tried

To express myself

To you

Until

You

Are only left without

me

Trying to explain myself

To you

Ever again

Sometimes we realize after its too late that we made a mistake

I do not feel that way

About this and

I’m sorry

It’s too late

Sunshine for a spotless mind

I wish I could forget

Eject you from my brain

And heart

Erase my memory of you

Until you become somebody new

Or better yet you won’t become anything at all

It’s not fair that you can forget me

And I cannot ever forget you

Once upon a time… A long long time ago…

The things you choose to show

Of all the things you choose to show

At a time when all i need was love

You didn’t

You showed rejection and a coldness

That I don’t think I was prepared for

And I don’t think you will be prepared for

After you see

What it has done to me

tonight.

Asphalt Dreams

4 a.m. blues

lightning bolt eyes
star kissed smile
i haven’t been fooled
by that face in awhile

words dipped sweet
kissed sugar lips
I drown in a rush
of slippery slips

you comfort me
with a whisper of sweet nothings
you relax me to sleep before the kill
and make me feel it’s such a thrill
your touch
is the clutch
that tangles me
and strangles me
softly
hard
and hardly soft
I open my eyes
to realize
a moment
too late
then forever gone
and so am I.

murdered by love
or assisted suicide
either way
a perfect way to die.