skin loves fever

The details matter but I don’t want to get into it all because it’s too much to cover and I don’t have any more time for feeling as bad as I do right now – yet again.

No one will ever understand how much I struggle. How much I truly love. How much I give. And how bad it feels to be treated like I’m not worth the time or care when I try to stand up for myself.

Tonight you made me feel like I have no voice. You took something I said and didn’t care to understand or listen and then made it so ugly and made me feel so bad that it triggered everything from the past that I’ve spent years working on -without a solid support system that actually wants to understand- that it made me realize most people would rather misunderstand you, say things to hurt you and then ignore you and run away like you don’t matter -than to actually listen to you because you matter.

You treated me like nothing tonight. You don’t care about how I feel at all. You kept saying you’ve been through this – but not with me because you have never allowed me to have a voice or to express my feelings. You don’t care about me enough to listen to my feelings and it angers you so much that you. begin to put me down and call me names. I’ve never treated you like that when you expressed your feelings (the few times you had them) You take the good from me. You give breadcrumbs. You aren’t someone I can count on to ever be there. And you discard any time there may be conflict. The reason we have conflict is because you run away from it and it never gets addressed and my feeling and myself never get acknowledged. YOU ENJOY MAKING SOMEONE WHO REALLY LOVED YOU FEEL SO SMALL that you win.

I went through my whole life building up myself as a person – on my own- no parents ever guided me or made me feel safe. they never listened or cared about how much they made me feel like I wasn’t worthy enough for love or care or to be listened to. And now you’ve done the same. After talking up such a big game about how you wanted to be the kind of man that was better and learned from past relationships and wanted to learn my triggers so you would never set them off just because you could. YOU’RE JUST A LIAR. You are anything but that man. You are actually one of the most insensitive uncaring and meanest people I have ever dealt with… but you had made me believe you were someone who really wanted to be with me and I was so grateful for finally meeting someone (or so I thought) who was mature enough and who was ready for a real relationship. I actually thought I met someone who wanted to show me genuine care and love and was better than the majority of men out there – but I was wrong.

tonight you broke me
you broke me and my love was pure
you destroyed that tonight because you only care about yourself.
I listen to you
I care about you
and what do I get
NOTHING

ONLY IF I’M HAPPY AND ONLY WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT -DO YOU HAVE ME AROUND –

AND YOU JUST TAKE THE GOOD FROM ME
AND TREAT ME LIKE I’M WORTHLESS WHEN YOU CREATE THE BAD – WHICH IF YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO CARE AND LISTEN- WASN’T BAD
yet you can be moody and nasty to me whenever you feel like it.
and you blame it on your brain injury but that gets old.
you’re aware that you have a brain injury
I was willing to deal with it as long as you treated me with love, kindness, respect, patience, and honesty.

I have complex ptsd which most people don’t understand because they think it’s like PTSD- and it’s very different.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder arises from prolonged or repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event. It’s often seen in cases of childhood abuse or long-term domestic violence.

anyone reading this can look it up and read more about it because it goes way deeper than that.

my love and heart was pure.
you destroyed that because you don’t care enough to show that back.

and I don’t care enough to be a part of this world where people like you exist.

you said you wanted to never see my face again.
I didn’t matter enough to you to be understood or for you to try to understand.
you string me along and I would never want to make you feel (if you did have a heart) that way ever.

you don’t make me feel safe because you don’t want to.

this is my goodbye. you were just the icing on the cake of fakes and users.

you chose to be the person who didn’t show any care or love

after love bombing me and then being disrespectful and then love bombing me again

I am worthy of love. I know that. but you made me feel so worthless and so unloved and uncared for

it opened all the old wounds

and this loneliness that you made me feel by not being there for me

someone you said you cared about.

made me realize

it’s time for me to give up

I’m so sad
I’ve been sad like this before
but you
you tricked me
and I don’t care
about living anymore
because it’s not just you
I grew up with people exactly like you
and deep down I know
this is not going to get better
and this hurt is too much for me to keep trying

you treated me like I was scum
worse than scum
like I don’t matter
and now I really feel like I don’t

I’m signing off for good.
thank you for the random followers and readers of skinlovesfever.
you were there reading my stuff when it was good, when it was bad, when it was difficult, when it was sad and when it was shit. and still had kind words which i appreciate so much.

since 2013
to 2026

goodbye.