skin loves fever

placeholder? what kind of shit is that?

thought you were smarter than that

but i guess a miserable bird must have been yapping in your ear.

or maybe you’re just as scared as her.

i was good to you

you were not a placeholder.

and that’s all

it’s not my problem now

i don’t want anyone who doesn’t appreciate my love and time.

good luck

and goodbye

the reason i talk so much

20 years ago

we were in love

but then every time i share

speak

express feelings

we would fight about something that dad nothing to do with what was trying to be said. trying to bed heard.

now it’s become so bad

that i don’t talk to you

not the way i used to

what’s the point?

to you, i have no point

it’s yours that matters

this is all feeling really lonely

and i don’t know what to do

but just disconnect from it all

and disappear.

don’t give your heart to a stranger

they lie

they act like they care

only to discard you like you’re nothing

and to them you are

-////

no respect

no care

just disposable and ignored

people love to know your traumas

so they can traumatize you again

in the same way

to feel they are in control

that’s not loving

that’s not a good person

that’s evil and mean

and really truly hurtful

how do you trust anyone

when people who act like they care

can switch and show you they never really did

and what they do show you is how little your feelings matter and how easy it is for them to trash you in such a cold and ugly way that they wanted to cause you harm and pain or else they would have handled it with care.

you can’t trust anyone

no one really cares anymore

i truly feel alone

and stupid

for falling for another person

who made me believe they cared

and loved more than they actually do

never again.

my heart hurts

and i feel so alone in this world

i care

i cared

but caring has only brought me pain

Travis

I understand.

And I do care.

Be well.

If you need a friend

I’ll be around for a little while.

-kyoko-

Men are getting worse

They play great games

They lie

They criticize

They say things they should never say

They make lead women on

Only to ghost them

And you know what?

That’s not a real man

A real man doesn’t need to feed his eggshell ego

Just to feel good

A real man has awareness

And doesn’t make excuses for why his fucked up behavior is okay

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’VE BEEN THROUGH?

NO BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND SOME THINGS I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU OVER SOME TIME.

BUT FUCK I HAVE EVERY EXCUSE TO ACT FUCKED UP AND CRUEL

But I don’t

Bevause my love is the real thing

My care is the real thing

Not just stupid words

Spitting out of my mouth

That don’t mean anything

YOUR WORDS HAVE MEANT NOTHING

BEVAUSE OF WHAT YOU SHOW ME

AND I’M BETTER THAN THIS

I’M HURT

BUT I’M BETTER THAN THIS

And I will find someone who is a real man – follows through with what he says – doesn’t play mind games – loves me incredibly – and genuinely cares

I dint have time for your hot and cold bs

So I’m done

You threw away something that could have amazing

And I’m glad you did

Weed out the crap

Make room for the great

I have light in me

Why would I ever give that to you agsin after you treated me the way you do.

Screw you

Grow up

Be aware

And fucking actually care

Don’t say I love you and that you care

Just to act like a stanger you don’t even want to be around anymore.

Lol. Just reading this

Makes me see how screwed up you are

And how shitty you’ve been to me

Emotinally

Mentally

Verbally

And at one time I really really really wanted this with you

Now I just want to forget I ever met you

Bevause all you did was waste my time

You are a sociopath liar

Yuck

you win

i give up

you are good. i truly fell for it.

i’m sorry

please forgive me

thank you

i love you

goodbye

i feel so stupid

every time i get happy about someone or something

it bites me in the ass

so why even get excited?

i guess that’s something i need to figure out on my own.

real love

we were together
on and off
for awhile.
it’s been 10 years since that first night we went out
which was magical
and I spent 3 days with you
and you wanted me there
and I wanted to be there with you
and I loved the way that felt
and the way you were
but we change.
you were just as fucking crazy as me – if not more-
you let your past fucked up painful relationships dictate how much and how little you gave me.
and I loved you anyways.
hell you pulled a fucking gun on me while I was asleep on your birthday because you were drunk
and I knew that was bullshit and wrong but I loved you so I was willing to deal with your insane crazy bullshit
as long as you were willing to deal with mine.

but now we have grown apart.
you no longer want me
no longer love me
and you know what I’m okay with that.

I still have love for you
but I’m no longer in love with you
because you don’t care and you never will.

I look back at the time we were together and I am happy that I got to share that with you – even as crazy as it fucking was. even with how crazy you are – even with how hot and cold and confusing you made me feel. I have no regrets. because I loved you – and I did try to make it right again – but you didn’t want that with me anymore.

and now I don’t want that with you anymore.
so you don’t have to say that you’re never home and then when I ask why – you as secretive as you have always been – and still are- give me an obvious reply… and I don’t care that you’re with someone else.
I’m happy that you are – if you’re happy then I’m happy.

that’s all I wanted you to be was happy – even if it’s not with me.

I’m getting married tomorrow. –
going to the courthouse first because we can’t wait any longer.
and our wedding ceremony and reception will be at the end of May.

so no hard feelings – you weren’t strong enough to deal with anything more – especially me – anyway. ha but I was strong enough to deal with you.
that’s funny

I guess that’s why I found someone who is strong – doesn’t run away- doesn’t play games- and wants to deal with me ( which makes me so much easier to deal with) and I want to deal with him and everything he throws my way- because it’s not the toxic – angry- half here- mostly there -somewhere else with someone else- confusing hot and cold -abusive avoidant “relationship” (if you could even call it that- when you were never fully in) that we had.

he doesn’t blame me for everything – because he’s man enough to see himself -good and not-so-good, and he works on himself (and I work on myself ) so that we work better together.

it’s easy. when two people really want to be together – they do whatever it takes to make it work.

you were special to me – so I’ve always checked in on you because I don’t stop caring about someone I loved as much as I once loved you…
but I don’t care if you are with someone who makes you happy.
I really want that for you
– just don’t take it for granted – and don’t just give up and run away – the second something goes wrong.