April 29 day one still moving through the pain

10:50 am woke up went back to bed

1:01 pm got out of bed.

Today I’m focusing on accepting what is without thinking about it too much.

2:13 pm went to lunch with friends. It felt weird and a bit uncomfortable to leave the house and face the world. Even if the world has no clue what I’m going through or how I feel – it still feels like they do.

Smiling helps I guess…

3:00 pm played drums for a bit. Felt good. Had someone check out my Martin guitar and sent it in to be fixed finally. Actually felt good for a bit.

Around 4 ish My phone did something weird. Wish it didn’t cause all it did was remind me of the thing I’m struggling with but need to leave behind.

4:13 pm sitting alone in my room. People are downstairs and I’m sitting alone in my room figuring out what I’m going to do.

7:51 pm did yoga. Don’t know how much better that made me feel. I feel like everything I do is taken wrong. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard. I’m forgetful like my short term memory is really bad because I have so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off without tuning out. I don’t know. Today was ok. I can’t complain. I just don’t feel well.

8:08 pm. Was going to go out but forgot that I had promised a friend I would do something and my friend was really disappointed in me for flaking again. So I canceled my plans of going out to spend time with my friend.

I feel like I’m not living my life for me anymore. This makes me really sad.

I also feel like all I do is disappoint people. Maybe I care too much about how I make others feel. Do they care about how they make me feel? I don’t know. Cause right now I’m not feeling very good at all.

9:24 pm keeping busy with shit I need to do but not really feeling it right now. I’m not excited about things like I used to be. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I think I’m going to force myself to paint just to get out whatever crap is inside of me and maybe paint through it. I feel very unmotivated right now and extremely lonely. Why? I don’t know…

I wish I didn’t feel this way…