take another drink to sink your mind into out of the blue and into the black just another sick attack just another thing to stack on top of all the other challenges and obstacles I don’t want to understand but I do but can’t you stop and see me like I see you tummy churns and the heart burns I die a little more every time it goes and blows a little more away all the things I try but fail to say that you don’t hear don’t care to listen to anyway why do you make me feel this fucked up way I’m not okay
sit staring at the lines on a page sounds of this and that I don’t know anymore
my body feels the desire the natural beating and ticking of time counting down the hours made into days made into- not that many years LEFT biology is weird bodies are weird age is weird life is fucking weird. time is running out and fast
I’m a late bloomer when it comes to things that the rest of the world seemed to figure out long ago
every new chubby little face is just a reminder of what I don’t have what I may never have what I threw away many years before
what a waste how it is that one day I was young and now i’m on bordering on OLD?
this is sick
fuck time frames fuck windows fuck restrictions that I didn’t implement
I’m like a 4 year old child going on 80 but still with a 18 year old feel
family is all I’ve ever wanted and yet the furthest thing away
Scorpion sting Aborted fetus Creation of two Left for only one Left for the dead The constant playback in my head Of the last words ever said A belly full of lies a heart less and less of you spitting words lies spoken you can feel the real of fake you try to make off…
— Read on skinlovesfever.com/2013/10/11/whiskey-midnight-mayhem-blues/
defense tone walls up everything else falls down what happened to keeping me safe? I guess not when it comes to you how I feel is stupid comparisons to an 18 year old but you? you never do anything out of fear? your turn around spin of the head – fuck it pretty damn clear I don’t put you down not your feelings not your fears not your insecure dumb shit but I would never call it dumb to you because it’s not to you you can hold onto whatever issues you have stop trying to pass them along to me I don’t want to be on the receiving end of whatever you chuck what a fuck to do this when all you had to do was answer and understand how to make the person you care about so much feel safe
late night walk – around the block or two or ten in my head thinking brain monkey brain feeling lame feeling lost feeling too much feeling gotta get out of this of it and I know that someday I will but still until the day I do I’m here on this walk with the talk talk talk back and forth like ping pong right and wrong repeat song inside my head from me to me and I to I going through and through the suck stuck fuck of thoughts and feels journey through the rat race space inside my face a trip of fools or this trip of fool singular me
writing this bad bad bad I wish I had something to burn this page down delete backspace my place off the face of the earth kill me before this kills my heart okay….
without saying things that need to be said to make me know what to cross out in my head then I’ll know what to do and where to fall and maybe I won’t mess it all up down fucked fucked fool I am I will not do what I did before I will not fall I will not fall I will fall somewhere far away from you and play dead just not to fall in love again
I could use a day or two of something old mixed with someone new or visa versa- I would love to see some good if I should grow and change and rearrange the fiction- diction that plays in my head that repeats old things some-dumb-body has said some time before I learned when and what to take in and when and what crap to ignore. I am me and me wants to be okay every day and have things go my way because my way is with love.
I was vulnerable I let my guard down with you even though I’ve been hurt before you were so scared to hurt again yet here I am and I don’t know why I’m so tired but I can’t sleep knowing that you’re right there and I’m here but we are so far apart
why do I even try? maybe that is the reason why… I am here again.
in a dream you were there and it was the same you angry abusive loud mean explosive but in my dream it didn’t bother me it made me uncomfortable and uneasy I said goodbye to you and I didn’t feel anything when I woke up I didn’t care no longer cared I no longer had love for you I rarely think anyone is a waste of time but you really wasted my time- and I wish I would have saw you the way you really are before the years of effort and abuse I don’t care if you hate me I don’t care if you forget me you gave me nothing to hold onto nothing to miss nothing good to want back again… except for myself