i used to be in love and i believed love could change the world or at least i could change the world because i was in love
it’s all bullshit and people are no good even when they are the hope begins to fade just like everything else and the truth seeps in slowly making you comfortably numb and then crushes you you become just like everybody else.
i used to feel until it killed me now i just know better before i let any feelings get too settled in before anything gets too comfortable i cut it off there’s no open door policy there’s no crashing on my couch there’s no welcome mat for visitors or company i don’t even open the door when there’s a knock. it will only lead to ruin and i’ve been there and done that and never want to do it again
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12:45 pm. Woke up to two of my cats bring extra loving and sweet. Was feeling super down last night. I didn’t want to get up and face the day so I went on my phone to watch some videos on YouTube and disconnect. I came across this video called “interview with the devil” a book by Napoleon Hill but it was the audio version and I listened to the whole the twice. Made me realize I was drifing. Anyways here’s the link if you want to check it out : Interview with the Devil
3:10 pm. Went to lunch with a friend. Was fun and it got me out of the house which at first terrified me but was much needed.
4:20 decided to get a manicure and pedicure after lunch. Made me feel better
9:20 pm. I’m at work now. The acoustic act that’s on stage right now is singing a song about death.
Lol sometimes you have to laugh at shit that’s the devil poking fun at you.
11:30 am woke up in a daze. I have my drum lesson at 1 pm. Don’t really feel like going but I know it will make me feel better. I know not going is going to make me feel worse
3:19 pm just got out of my drum lesson. It went well. I do feel a little better. Went over some old stuff and my teacher taught me some new stuff. My teacher is awesome. She’s really inspiring and is really good at what she does. Both drumming and teaching. Maybe that’s why I’m doing so well at something I always loved and fascinated by but thought I could never do. Not everyone with knowledge or expertise in something should or could be a teacher. It takes a certain kind of person to really teach others. I’m grateful for the great teachers out there like her who actually love teaching and have the patience passion talent and understanding to do it. A great teacher makes all the difference between a person who succeeds and one who doesn’t.
Anyways we finished the lesson by me playing along to the song “Eye of the Tiger” lol.
8:15 pm. When I got home from my drum lesson around 4:15 pm i went upstairs to my room and started sketching some ideas out. I didn’t look at my phone until 8 pm. Saw he texted me. Got depressed. I feel hopeless. Replying will do me no good. It’s a trap and I don’t want to fall for it again. I’m turning my phone on vibrate and putting it in my purse. Now I’m going to go get dinner. One step at a time. I’ll try not to let him get to me. I’m still hurting and sad but for now I will try to put that aside and just live in the moment.
Ugh I feel so alone and helpless.
I miss the good side of him but I can’t ignore the bad side cause that is part of the reason I’ve been feeling the way I do right now.
I don’t have any resentment or anger towards anyone today. Except for myself but I know that’s not my own thoughts that’s just me resorting back to old beliefs and past trauma.
OK. I’m going to get dinner now. I just want to be okay.
10:07 pm. I’m home again. I’m going to paint for a bit and then go to bed. I don’t feel very good and maybe tomorrow will be better. I just want to sleep until I don’t feel sad and depressed anymore.
Day two was much harder than day one.
When will it get easier?
If you only knew the reply the voice inside my head just gave…