We will never have any firsts together

Meet someone I actually like and they’ve already done all the things
I probably will never do – with someone else.
They had a wife
They have the kids
They had the wedding and the love
At least enough to have a child with that person.

Artists are different – I know this-
I had many opportunities to have all of that-
but I chose not to
under the circumstances that I was in at the time-
which I thought was the best decision (and it probably was)
but it still leaves me feeling like I’m falling short
losing time
and now at almost 43
I am.

I’m not toxic
I don’t bring that much baggage
I don’t lie
or leave out important information
that is misleading

I don’t want to meet people who are barely out of their last relationship – still not over it.

I want to meet people who are willing to try

to let me in

to connect

I want to have someone to have firsts with.

I was so careful about being with the wrong person (because of my family history) that I didn’t marry – even though I was engaged

I didn’t have children – even though I did get pregnant more than once

all of which I thought was the smart thing to do.

So now while so many of my friends who were married – are now in the process of getting divorced-

they were married and had children- maybe to the wrong person- but that part is on their poor choice of picking a partner who sticks by their vows- through all the trials and tribulations. who knows it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Who is loyal despite the temptation of people that are always trying to take what isn’t theirs – just because they can’t have it.

And the worst part of it all- is I would have made a great mother and wife- to the right person. while I see so many couples forget that they’re parents with multiple kids- just check out. So many parents go through the motions yet treat their kids like bait when they want out of their relationship – or want something more from the divorce. Some people have kids for the wrong reason. Some people get married and have no idea what that actual means and what it actually takes to make a marriage work. Selfish and stupid because in a lot of cases the kids suffer more than they will ever know – or care to think about.

I want to cry but I can’t cry… I have too much good in my life to cry – despite the things I lack that most of you will never understand

Is there anyone out there – in the same position as me?

Happy October 1st. Most of 2024 is gone already.

Maybe this world won’t last just like most relationships don’t last.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of all my stuff and move to another state

I don’t know.

all I know is that a lot of you – that I once knew-

I will never see again.

and that’s okay because if you wanted it any other way

you would show it – but more importantly-

I just don’t want any of it or any of you – at all –

marriage doesn’t work with selfish people