Navigating Life at 42: A Journey of Healing, Loneliness, and Self-Discovery

In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.

Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations

As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect

My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.

The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family

One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle

As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.

Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness

While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.

Reaching Out to Others

The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.

Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery

As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.

In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.

Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.

The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.

So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.

The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.

In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.

Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.

Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.

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I can’t save myself

I’ve been let down
put down
pushed around
I feel so low
Got so much to do
but nothing to show
all alone
I’m drowning here
alone
and there’s nobody near
it’s becoming pretty clear
that I’m not going to make
I’m not going to make
I don’t know how to fake it
no I just don’t know
how to make it
through another day
I just don’t know
what I’m doing anymore

depression has got a hold of me
so much so that I can’t see
any way out
or any reason to be
and I’m getting pretty sick of being me
I’m getting pretty sick of me
I don’t know how to be
me anymore
I just don’t want to be
me
anymore
I don’t wanna be
this
me
anymore.

the more I try
the less you understand
and I’m feeling pushed out
with no place left to stand
it’s hard to feel okay
when I’m all alone
with each passing day
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live
this way anymore

I close my eyes
and wish myself away
close my eyes
and wish it all away
I can’t save myself
not this time
not today
if I could
I would
but I got a head full of bad
and a heart full of sad
weighing me down

I’m sorry
I’m just not strong anymore


Irish goodbye – post 1 of 2

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gonna walk walk walk, four more blocks, plus the one in my brain…

suicide eyes

vicious cries

the many reasons why

I’m never heard

The lines you draw

in the slipping sand

slips right through your hands

the lines your draw

are always blurred

a bit uncomfortable

a bit disturbed

and once again

there’s that voice that’s never heard

I could fall away too

slip away from all of you

just like the sand

let me ask you then

will you then understand

how much you demand

of me

would you still demand the same

if I were still to be

here with you

if you only knew

how far away I am

yet how close I am

to the end

maybe then

you would treat me better than just a friend

but people never know what we have

until it’s gone

and I’m not the only one

I’m not the only one

I’ll never be the only one

singing the same old line

of the same old song

of how people

rarely ever change.

-kc

Pale exit

Suicide eyes 

vicious cries

the many reasons why

I’m never heard

The lines you draw

in the slipping sand

slips right on through

your careless hands

the lines your draw

are always blurred

a bit uncomfortable 

a bit disturbed

and once again

there’s that voice that’s never heard

I could fall away too

slip away from all of you

just like the sand

let me ask you something  

will you then understand?

how much you demand?

of me 

would you still demand the same 

if I were still to be

here with you?

if you only knew

how far away I am

yet how close I am

to the end

maybe then 

you would treat me better than just a friend 

but people never know what we have

until it’s gone

and I’m not the only one 

I’m not the only one 

I’ll never be the only one

singing the same old line 

of the same old song

of how people 

rarely ever change. 

-k.c.

Goodbye wolfie

What you can’t seem to understand
and never have understood

is that since the first day i met you
i always wanted you
i loved you
from the moment i saw you

We were just friends for a long time
and were close but had a falling out
and i didn’t hear from you for 5 years
just like that
and it hurt like hell.
you had a girlfriend
and so i (even though it broke my heart)… moved on

then one day out of the blue
you came back
and i didn’t treat you like a stranger
i wasn’t angry or resentful

but now you’re out of my life again
ignoring me like i mean nothing
like i meant nothing
and this is after we actually were in love

i’m still in love
but
i can’t do anything about what you do
i’m not going to force you to talk to me
it’s obvious you have found someone new who you
call your wife.
i am not your friend because you don’t treat me like a friend
you haven’t been there
you haven’t even cared to see if I’m okay

so i let you go
and from now on
i will stay away
but forever this time.

we had something amazing
and you listened to a stupid bitch
who you and i barely knew
and now i don’t even know you
anymore

But it’s okay
i can’t feel bad or sad
that you don’t even care about me
the way i care about you
well… cared… before now
i can’t feel bad
about this anymore

i’ve tried
i’ve cried
i’ve reached out
with no reply
and now i see
that you don’t give a damn about me
AT ALL

and that’s okay
you want it this way
so
you got it
i release you from my heart and mind
forever.

i promise you that.



august 4 2023 9:53 am.

-Kyoko

What gets lost

I can only care

As much as you care about me

But I’ll be gone

And I won’t ever come back

Appreciation

I’m sorry for all that I did to make you feel unloved

I loved (love) you more than anything

I really should have handled things differently

I think we both could have but

I’m not here to point fingers

All I want is for you

To be happy

Even if it’s not with me.

The truth in rented rooms

The past is there

We leave a part

Of who we are

Who we were

Taken in and

Pushed out

Somewhere pieces of us

Remain

In a micro trace

Floating in air

Or somewhere in space

Sometimes i feel you

Within an old place

Or taken again

In someone

Out somewhere

Breathing in air

truth in rented rooms

walls that have stood

lifetimes before I ever would –

Collecting secrets

Collecting dust

In forgotten spaces

in forgotten faces

In rented rooms

Misunderstood

Sometimes I wish I could

The hurt

Leave this body

and just forget

But like old walls

Hold silhouettes

Of the past

that will never be again

I hold

A part of you

no feeling

shut it down
shut it off
shut it out
shut up
howl to the moon
and cry yourself to sleep
you’re in too deep
on the shallow side
you can run
and I’ll hide
didn’t anyone teach you
not to run with scissors in your hand
you try to walk on water
when you can barely crawl on land
you can kiss off
piss off
kick rocks
get lost
but lost is what you are
you can keep running
but you won’t get very far
what you fear
will always be near
but it won’t be me
that you see
it won’t be me
there is no we.

I don’t owe you anything
there’s nothing I am obligated to do
for you
I do not care
what you want
or how you feel
because nothing about you
is even real

not my problem
none of my concern
i light a match
detach
set it on fire
and let it burn
as I turn
and walk away
not ever looking back


it’s a new day
and I’m not
who I was
before








if you didn’t treat me like shit…

I’m glad you took off
the way you did
I’m glad you showed me who you really are
It hurt like hell at first
but you leaving
made room for someone
who has brought me back to life again
who cares and
who excites
in ways you never would
and
or
never could.

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