Now that you’re gone
I have no one by my side
To help me through
That person was always you
Now i feel the loneliness
Of being truly alone
You were the greatest friend
I have ever known
That this world has ever shown
I’m not alright
I’m not okay
Just take me back
To a better day
You were always there for me
And I’m so grateful for that
And for you
Until we meet again
I love you…
My sweet friend
No.
Not at all
Never.
Not willing
Not capable
Not true.
Not wanting
Not caring maybe.
But I saw it once
When he maybe cared
Maybe wanted to
Maybe willing
Maybe the demons in his head
Were on vacation
Or tired.
Cause even demons need a break too
I don’t know
All I can say is how I feel
And it’s sad
To see someone you loved so much
Just turn into someone else
And have such hate
And meanness
Doesn’t make me angry
Doesn’t make me want to get revenge
I’m too sad for that
And revenge was never my thing
I let time and truth
Work it’s own magic
But right now
The kind of sadness I feel
Is like when a family member or someone you were super close dies
Except it’s worse
Cause he’s still there
Seeing whatever he wants to see
That isn’t really me
Not seeing me
But letting the real demons
Alter his brain
Take over his soul
Without him even knowing
It’s a sadness I can’t explain
Unless you’ve felt it before
One I never
Want to feel again.
-kyoko cole
I will never understand how some people can be so cold.
To turn off
To love conditionally
To have such black and white thinking and feeling
To be cruel
To make up reasons why to hate
To criticize and put down
Yet be blind to everything that’s good
To completely ignore their own behavior
To make another person feel unwanted
Unimportant
Useless
So many people “love” that way
That’s not love.
That’s just selfishness mixed with a bitterness
You teach others through love
You can kill a man with disregard and neglect
And a mean spirit
Some people’s truth is whatever they were conditioned with from the time they were born
All they know is to pass that down to anyone and everyone they touch.
Yet they don’t see it.
Some people love to blame others or something false as a reason to take out their anger and pain on someone
Some people only know how to push the people that care about them away.
If all you know is the negative
If all you’ve seen and experienced is negative
You’re gonna end up looking for the negative in everyone else that comes along
I wish compassion played a higher role in mankind
I wish people thought about the lasting effects of their actions and behavior towards others
I wish people didn’t react to things they make up in their head
We are in this world
Hopefully to help one another
Not to harm someone who truly loves you
And definitely not to harm the ones who love you just because our past experiences and trauma makes you think that it’s okay to do.
It’s sad.
But there will always be people out there who just don’t know why better
And /or just don’t care to be better than what was done to them.
For the first time
I truly
100%
without any doubt
Wish you the best
I Want the happiest life
For you
And for myself
Though our time together
Is now done
At least for now and the near future.
I am grateful
For the times we had
Both good and bad.
It was a part of my life
And I respect it
As that.
I am now okay
With letting you go.
I cannot make you stay
Nor would I want to.
I cannot change you
I can only change myself
I do not harbor any bad feels towards you
I need space and time to heal
Without you around
But I do not have bad feelings towards you.
However you feel about me is non of my concern anymore.
Those are your feelings and i respect that you are allowed to feel the way you do
Even if I don’t agree on what you feel and why you feel them
I cannot change how you feel
And I will not try
I know who i am
And i accept and love myself for who I am
I am still learning and growing and changing too. I am not perfect
No one is
But i know my worth
No one else has the power to determine that for me except for me.
If you do not know my worth
That is okay
You don’t have to
You don’t have to be around me
But i don’t have to be around you
I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing
I don’t have to be okay with something or someone that is not okay to me and my well being
I will keep my distance
I hope you will do the same.
Thank you
And goodbye
-KC
“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” ~Jean de La Fontaine
3am sounds
Of Birds and coyotes
I wish I could speak to them
I wish I could speak to you
Get through to you
But I’m starting to see
That’s never going to happen
I’ll probably make more progress with the birds and coyotes
And him
As he sits next to me on the patio
We listen to music
And talk
Like the coyotes and birds do
i knew this day would come at last
i lived waiting for the end to come in fast
waiting for it
waiting for you
you handsome devil and the harm you can do
i knew better than get too close
i had little to nothing for you
but somewhere in between sheets and bodies turned upside down
turned hearts around
and waiting for the end
begins to start
soft sweet dangerous skin
didn’t even see you creep on in
in the back of my mind i know : I’m just another girl
one more notch on your belt
one more link on your chain
then jump on out with the next passing train
you kind ain’t my kind.
you charmed my ass blind
yes mister man… you are good. so very good at what you do
sweet talker fast walker
you get around
but it still didn’t stop me til then
and when
i got lost looking for you
looking all around
it was then that i found
only an empty space
a fleeting face
not even a sound
in a silent forgotten room
with just the shadow of a friend
-only playing pretend
the makings of an end.
leaking hearts
dancing in echoes
i dance alone
the only remains of you
remains unknown
the master of love ’em and leave
you are the king of make-believe
-kyoko cole 2008 link to the original post from my blog: the burning of the midnight lamp; the owl of minerva
Time is a tick of the mind
Where we once belonged
Has gone far away
Today
And now
Black smoke
Beautiful losers
A shout in the street
Start to fade
All that we made
Is born to die
A brief history of time
Obsession
Old lovers
Under freeway balconies
Nude naked and stripped
Secrets behind smiles
The horse would know, but the horse can’t talk
Rhapsodies in black
Documenting disposable people
Disposers
Exposers
Of
Ghost images
Ghost people
ghost world
Once Held together by water
But now Broken apart by man
It may be
That I don’t want to see
All the things I see
And maybe I don’t want to be
This person who is me
Who am I anyway?
Am I just what others say?
Or maybe just yesterday I meant something
To you
But not today
Today we’re through
maybe I don’t want to feel
Everything I thought was real
Perhaps you feel quite alright
With throwing me away tonight
With doing things that hurt me more
With all of me you choose to ignore
And maybe I don’t want to stay
Maybe I don’t want to play
This stupid game
this stupid me
Maybe I just want to be
Free
From living
This stupid life
Maybe I don’t want the strife
It hurts my heart
To have to defend
What most of you can’t comprehend
Or Maybe I just can’t
And don’t want to pretend
Maybe I just want the end
-kyoko cole
I can’t
Stand
Being
Without.
You
make me
Feel
something
Whole
I wish
I
Could
Stop
Time
Space
And age
And this
Stage
I’m in
I don’t know where
To even begin
Again
Cause I want
Everything
I can’t have
Right now
Right here
But I fear
Too?
Much
And I fear
Nothing at all
I could watch
It all fall
And be fine in the end
But in the end
I’d be alone
Like really alone
And I don’t
Want that.
Give me a sign
Give me the call
Give me your all
Let me know
That I’m something
You know.
You want.
And not some thing
You don’t know
You can play hard ball
Pool
Baseball
Balls in
Balls deep
But you keep that shit
Away from me
Icky
Sticky
Dicky
Fuck
Yuck
I would have never
Go back
To that
Place
With your face
That lies
Like it’s a sport
ABORT!!!
AND I’M OUT…..
(Mic drop)
I relized something today
I can want you in my life
And I would have you
Make space and time for you
And it doesn’t matter to you
If I’m a part of your life
You could take me or leave me
One way or the other
It’s not that important to you
And yeah it hurts
But then I think
That you are just who you are
And maybe there’s never been anything or anyone important enough to you for you to make the effort to try
And I mean really try to give yourself fully to one thing. One person. To love from a place without the fear of what may happen or the fear of what will happen sometimes. To give full allowance to the fact that maybe you might get hurt. But maybe not. And what If not. What if after the difficult times and momentary struggles ( which is all we focus on when we’re struggling instead of looking at all the good stuff)… What if it was really amazing? Amazing cause you took the time and care and love and really got to know the other person and learn to accept each other and love each other and deal with each other on a whole new level.
Without fear
Without judgements or inaccurate beliefs about the other person who we judge because we don’t fully understand them
Maybe there’s never been anything worth it to you to want to keep around.
But what if people really loved and cared enough about each other to just try when it’s not easy. To love when the person is hard to love yet they need it the most. Showing trust and giving trust and being completely honest and open. Not everyone is the same so why do we expect everyone to know and feel what you feel and judge
Maybe giving ourselces to something fully is the answer. Not half assed. Not always having one foot out the door. Ready to give up ready to leave. What if the answer is commiting ourselves to someone or something fully…knowing it’s not always gonna be fun or easy and being okay, ready and willing for that.
Maybe we would find the most amazing thing you’ve ever known
Cause we took the time and effort dedication in someone or something to actually know
You can tell me you’re not afraid of anything
But clearly we all are
Give someone that loves you the chance to be who they really are
Teach them to grow through love
Tell them they matter and that you love them.
Make them feel loved and safe and show them that you are someone they can trust by being trustworthy.
That’s how we change the world
Give love when someone needs it
And accept the love that person gives
Show love and others will show love back.
I know you are you
And I am me
But sometimes i wish you did feel the way I feel for you
For me
But we can’t always have someone wants to give all that you’re willing to give
Not everyone is going to love us back
That’s okay.
I’m happy to know that someday I’ll have someone who wants to put up with me too
And that’s something that makes me love even more. 😉
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