skin loves fever

We will never have any firsts together

Meet someone I actually like and they’ve already done all the things
I probably will never do – with someone else.
They had a wife
They have the kids
They had the wedding and the love
At least enough to have a child with that person.

Artists are different – I know this-
I had many opportunities to have all of that-
but I chose not to
under the circumstances that I was in at the time-
which I thought was the best decision (and it probably was)
but it still leaves me feeling like I’m falling short
losing time
and now at almost 43
I am.

I’m not toxic
I don’t bring that much baggage
I don’t lie
or leave out important information
that is misleading

I don’t want to meet people who are barely out of their last relationship – still not over it.

I want to meet people who are willing to try

to let me in

to connect

I want to have someone to have firsts with.

I was so careful about being with the wrong person (because of my family history) that I didn’t marry – even though I was engaged

I didn’t have children – even though I did get pregnant more than once

all of which I thought was the smart thing to do.

So now while so many of my friends who were married – are now in the process of getting divorced-

they were married and had children- maybe to the wrong person- but that part is on their poor choice of picking a partner who sticks by their vows- through all the trials and tribulations. who knows it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Who is loyal despite the temptation of people that are always trying to take what isn’t theirs – just because they can’t have it.

And the worst part of it all- is I would have made a great mother and wife- to the right person. while I see so many couples forget that they’re parents with multiple kids- just check out. So many parents go through the motions yet treat their kids like bait when they want out of their relationship – or want something more from the divorce. Some people have kids for the wrong reason. Some people get married and have no idea what that actual means and what it actually takes to make a marriage work. Selfish and stupid because in a lot of cases the kids suffer more than they will ever know – or care to think about.

I want to cry but I can’t cry… I have too much good in my life to cry – despite the things I lack that most of you will never understand

Is there anyone out there – in the same position as me?

Happy October 1st. Most of 2024 is gone already.

Maybe this world won’t last just like most relationships don’t last.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of all my stuff and move to another state

I don’t know.

all I know is that a lot of you – that I once knew-

I will never see again.

and that’s okay because if you wanted it any other way

you would show it – but more importantly-

I just don’t want any of it or any of you – at all –

marriage doesn’t work with selfish people

and new relationships will fail too

blah blah blah

I’m just happy for what I know, what I see, what I dodge, and what I have thet is good.

Miscarriage

I think I thought you were better than you are

No, I’m not saying you’re not

But selfish

And very unkind

Not honest about things up front

I fell in love with you because I fall in love with beautiful things in this world, and sometimes that beauty is ugly, but I can relate

And I accepted you I welcomed you

And when I found the truth. I still accepted you and welcomed you.

And you called me toxic

I can still love what I love afar, but I will never love you the way I did before because you’re not who I thought you were and it’s nothing bad nothing good it just is what it is

People are not good to each other

So please, the next time you want to feel sorry for what happened to you.

Stop for a second

And think about your actions

And how you treated others because of your selfish desires

And then discarded them and called them toxic yet you were the one that’s very toxic because I was free without any baggage I could not be worked on.

That was not in the present still

And then I met somebody else. Who is amazing

But I realize it’s the same situation as you

People don’t appreciate things they’re gone

I don’t need to be appreciated by you

Nor him

Nor anyone

I know myself

But I had to let this out of my being before this feeling becomes me

People are not good to each other – for the most part

I see it every day

But then I walk down the street

And I see the most beautiful act of kindness between strangers

And fortunately/unfortunately, it gives me hope

And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because
it’s live or die

Break or rebuild

There’s a fine line between those just like the fine line between love and hate

I do not hate anyone. I just think that you want appreciation from somebody that doesn’t want you and when you have appreciation, you don’t want them so how can you ever expect to have what you’re given

That you don’t even see

I understand that actually more than I even know because I pose a question yet I understand I’ve been in your place

But now I am done

You had a very wonderful place in my heart, and you ruined it without even realizing

You still hold special place in my heart

From far far away

I will not touch you’re tainted soul with my clean hands

It doesn’t matter what you do now

Because the thought of you

And me

Together

Will no longer ever be

And I am very OK with that

Think about why you are in the position you’re in just I am thinking about why I am in the position. I am in.

And change

Good night and goodbye

Lovely

Just kiss me again

Under the moonlight

And we’ll stay together

Forever

That way.

You send shivers up my spine

Excite my nerves

Your fingertips

Trace the outline

Of my curves

I am yours

And you are mine.

As I write this

I feel you

Beside me

That’s always where we’ll be

Together we will be fine

The Ether

Lights flash suddenly

Into sight

Moving in and out

Coming through in waves

Sounds above

Sounds below

I sit between a silent shout

Something no man craves

Where are you now?

Where were you then?

Where do I go?

Everytime you fade

you do not know

What I know now

And when you do

The feeling chasing you

you can’t run that way …

And when you do

The feeling chasing you

I’ve already gone away

And when you do

The feeling chasing you

But the feeling stays

-kyoko cole

…

One kiss.

Sends shivers down my spine.

How wonderful it is

For such things

To bring

Me back to life.

The dark side

That’s where I’m going

They have cookies

No static

I’m not going to go out

With the ugliness of you and your behavior

Heavy on my heart

With this dark cloud over me

Because you don’t know how to be decent

So I write this

To be healthy

And rid myself of you.

You didn’t feel desired

And I did

But I don’t desire you at all

Life has a great way of showing people

Themselves

When you least expect it

I know who you are now

I see you –

100% crystal Clear

And I kinda can understand why

Your ex didn’t want to be around you

Because you do not care about the feelings of others

And trust me

It’s not going to work out for you in the end

I don’t deal with fake

Shallow people

I made a mistake feeling you

Because you need to feel yourself

By yourself

And you won’t while you keep jumping from over person to the next

How could you even expect anyone to value you and care about your feelings

When you ignore the feelings of someone youve hurt

All I know is you’ll do it again and again

If I allow it

But you have nothing that I want

Even the sex

Had turned into something ugly and gross

Just sex

With someone

Who isn’t there

You’ve made it cheap

And I don’t want anything you have to offer because you don’t offer me anything.

Just Bullshit lies and to feel less than who I really am

Which is a far better – more caring person than you.

Just please leave me the fuck alone for good.

You just like to waste my time

When you should be healing

Instead of trying to feel desired.

Why would anyone desire someone who treats people like they don’t matter and ignores them trying to communicate

I’m returning it back to you

10 fold.

it won’t be by me

But you’ll see how it feels to be ignored time as time again

By a person who has hurt you before

You won’t get any sympathy

And something is about to make you a little less cocky -a lot more humble

And learn some humility.

But I won’t be there for you again

You fucked up

Because I actually cared.

You will only get people who don’t care now.

Who can’t stand to be around you

Watch.

skin loves fever

skin loves fever
wild and sweet
full of fire
hell like heat

lights up mad
burns up bright
i burn and turn
you give me fever
all night

skin loves fever

Trauma bond

I spent close to 7 years

Thinking you were my person

But I was wrong

The last time I saw you

When you went into a rage

Screaming and shouting

Saying horrible nasty things

Just Like so many times before.

This time was different

Everything was clear

I didn’t try to make it better

I let you scream and shout

Spitting words

As cruel and careless as before

But this time it didn’t hurt me

It didn’t break me

Because I knew they weren’t true

And for the first time

I saw that the problem is you.

I used to take the blame

I used to beg and try and cry

And fight for your affection

You always put the blame on me

I used to cry and cry

because I thought I loved you

I thought you loved me

I thought I did something to deserve

All your anger, neglect and hate you threw

But this time

I saw the true you-

That’s why I didn’t try

I didn’t care to explain what you never cared to understand

I let you scream and rage

Because that’s who you are and what you do

And when you left – when you abandoned-

this time – I didn’t try – i didn’t care- to stop you

It’s what you always do

I didn’t text you

I didn’t hate myself

And this time I don’t feel bad

i did nothing wrong

But you always have put the blame on me

And that has allowed you -to never have to see yourself

So you continue to act the same

never sorry for any damage you do

When you’re drunk

When you’re triggered

You don’t want to feel

Anything good

Because you don’t want to feel anything bad

You won’t get better

You will never change

You have nothing I can work with

You expect perfection but don’t give it

it takes little to nothing for you to

Destroy everything we have built

you don’t care if you tear – Someone or something down

And I can no longer take that risk

Because YOU DON’T CHANGE

I thought I loved you

But I was comfortable with

The toxicity that is you

Because your toxicity was so familiar

to the only kind of “love“ I’ve ever known

Which isn’t love

It’s abuse

And there’s no excuse

For me not to not see

Who you really are

I see who you really are

The truth

Your actions and behavior

Have damaged

All that was good and pure inside

What you have done

Which you fail to see

Don’t care to see

What you Don’t care to understand

Is you did things to ruin

Someone

Who gave you something

Beautiful

Which you took

And destroyed.

You destroyed something

Just because you didn’t care enough

About another person

You only care about yourself

Maybe I’m not mean

Maybe I’m just honest

And

Maybe I’m hurt

Because I gave you something

And you destroyed it

Like nothing

Like it didn’t matter

Because all that matters to you- is you

Because you were hurt

And haven’t spent any time

Dealing with it

Alone.

Never again will I allow

Someone as careless as you

Who can operate the Way you do

In my life

You deserve all the hurt

Because you’re just as hurtful

And

I want nothing more to do with you

Don’t worry

You will never hear from me again

too left – too right- never any good

sex positivity is a good thing
but not with everyone
women used to get shamed for just trying something different with her own husband- while he could go and find many mistresses or concubines- and it was perfectly fine.
think of your own daughter- how would you feel if a boy treated her the way you treat women?
I guess your excuses would be fine… right?
NO.

I want to write more… but I am healing.
and I don’t need any other person’s outside validation to tell me who I am or how great I am or how worthy I am.
they don’t even know how worth they are.
and they don’t live in a way that I feel would bring any good to my life.
I would just join the dark side. hedonistic- only self-serving, selfish

no wonder this world is the way it is-
well not all of the world-

you can follow the masses and not think for yourself
or you can see how the thinking has been controlled by a small group of people that control everything we see, think, and do – and have been for so long that we don’t even realize how little we think for ourselves. we are programmed.

my body, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my brain, my organs. my nervous system as well as all the other systems, my light, my love, etc… as well as all the other things you can’t with your eyes and can’t touch with your hands- but most pe0ple know is there… is important to keep sacred and take care of.

when you know yourself beyond this world and this life… and step away from the manipulation that c0mes from the people in power who and in control- who want to keep us down – because if we knew our own power – if we knew what we were capable of – we would evolve and we wouldn’t continue to live within the confines that others have built for us that limit us- that we think we need – in order to survive.

protect yourself. know thyself. don’t let anyone treat you like you’re just a body, a slave, just one of the many, expendable. disposable. used.

how would you feel if your daughter was treated that way?

I am worthy of love and commitment. I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who did not value you in that way… but you doing that to others instead of taking the time to heal- is not okay.

people will hurt you but do you want to continue that just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others and/or you have to make them feel like they can’t trust you.

grow from it. heal from it. but that takes time. sometimes years.
but you haven’t even given it a few months.
and all you do is pass that on
and take it out
on someone else and close your eyes and turn your back to the hurt you cause. .. because you are hurt and don’t want to deal with you first.

I will not spend anymore time
giving my energy to someone who chooses to behave in a way that is only self-serving. if someone is mean to you- when they weren’t before- maybe the problem is you. especially when you know that everyone I wrote above it true.

I’m not perfect- but I want to be with someone who is okay with that and is okay with connecting on a level that you will never know –

I say goodbye

and I walk away.

you have shown me that you do not understand the damage you cause-

you do not care to because it hurts like hell

and you’ve been hurt

but that does not mean it’s okay to do it to someone else

you’re not dumb…stop playing dumb.

because it’s not about me

it’s about not losing yourself…

which happens when we avoid what is really causing our pain and we don’t give ourselves the time alone to process and heal.

I had a letter…