so this is how the story ends

no words to say
to song to sing
this is the sorrow
this mourning brings
the start of your week
is the end of my day
nothing really matters
to me anyway.
i was happy
when i made you happy
but now the ideas you make up in your head
make you sad
at me
make you mad
at me
and i will never be
who you want
me to be
i will never feel
your sunshine again
but i will always know
this darkness
that you left me in
on this day
today
that you went away
and made me have to go.
this kind of love
this kind of life
i already know
so well—
so long
so many times
i guess it was me
who was wrong
all along
i don’t fit
in this world
i can’t sit
i don’t have my place
so i quit
this shit
and burn
any trace
of me
you will never see
my face
or my smile
and after a while
you’ll forget that too
this is my goodbye
to you

Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
sadness and mourning. saying goodbye
Photo by Trinity Kubassek on Pexels.com
“Suicide Fever” by AA, 1981
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the mourning of my past

i dip
and slip
under the moon
and fall past
the last
hand comin’ round too soon
i skate
and wait
for nothing cause it’s so much fun
to chase the moon
and run from the sun
i smile and spin
as something within
starts to begin
again
i dance and prance
and fly through the air
without a doubt or a single care
and as the morning dew
comes into view
i say goodbye
to the past
i held onto
what was
was then
and what is
is now
i got stuck between
the years somehow
so hello this moment
hello today
i am present
i am here
and i am okay
my eyes are open
my ears are open
my heart is open
i am open
to be me now.

 

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-k.c.

 

You

The only one I would ever marry is you.

It’s always been

and

always will be

you.

ice wild

she was ice wild
cool
sharp
with the eyes of a child

images of a starry night
and the negatives of a hazy day
you can recall
the feel of it all
the buzz and fuzz
blurred out
in a dream like sorta way

take a drink
of her pink lemonade
blackness
and hide wide under her moon shine shade
get your fix on the mix
of hypnotic distractions
as you enjoy her soft parade

she was ice wild
cool and
sharp
but still just a child

 

-kc

 

giphy (1)

Love doesn’t have to be the way you make it out to be

When I fell in love with you

I had an open mind and an open heart

My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.

You treated me nice and kind and we had fun

Over time you let insecurities take over

And became angry and mean.

You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.

You took me for three kind of woman I was not.

I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.

I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.

What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.

I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.

You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.

It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.

I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed

I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.

That’s what love is to you

That’s not love to me

If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been

I wouldn’t lie and cheat

Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.

Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?

That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you

You pushed me away.

You did this.

Not me.

I did everything I could to show you

Love

You did everything you could to push me away

And this last time

You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.

For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.

I started to believe that everyone was like you

I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless

For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.

It’s Funny how life is sometimes.

On my lowest night

I met someone

And didn’t think much of it at the time

But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.

It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.

I loved you

But you didn’t love me.

And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.

If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.

You wouldn’t have let me go

But I’m kinda glad you did now

Cause now I know

What love really is.

MacGyver and me

Late night meeting

He comes

A groan withdraws

Within the pardon

I need a distraction

I need his diversion

Another night aborts around the twelve turnaround

Moving through the halo of numbers

Choking the hands of time

This outline destines the viable trigger

Will he shake the smallest moon?

Or shake a farewell

And make distances of my ugly past?

The trade views the spectrum

Before a crime emerges the music

I am almost back from the dead

UPDATE AJ’S FUNDRAISER FOR PERTHES DISEASE

HERE’S THE FACEBOOK FUNDRAISER PAGE FOR A.J. (MY LITTLE BROTHER)

IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING ABOUT PERTHES DISEASE AND ALLOWS YOU TO MAKE A DONATION IF POSSIBLE
THE LINK IS LISTED BELOW .

https://www.facebook.com/donate/698193237276492/

AJ'S PERTHES DISEASE FUNDRAISER

Amateur hour

First rule of being a customer at a bar: never ask your bartender if she/he knows where to get cocaine. First of all even if we did we wouldn’t tell you cause you very well could be a narc

Second rule: if you’re at a bar BUY A GOD DAMN DRINK. DON’T JUST GET WATER! IT’S ANNOYING!!!

Third rule: NEVER ARGUE WITH YOUR BARTENDER. HE OR SHE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO NOT SERVE YOU OR EVEN KICK YOU OUT.

Fourth rule : ALWAYS TIP YOUR BARTENDER!!! TRUST ME IT WILL BENEFIT YOU IN THE LONG RUN OR EVEN LATER ON THAT NIGHT. We tend to remember the people who tipped us the next time you want a drink.

That’s pretty much it for now Remember kids, DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE

The night I touched the moon

i grabbed the moon


and the stars


started to scream


i almost broke the sky
Why moon why?

Everything I saw

was beautiful

It made me cry

4 years ago

Looking at old pictures

From when

I didn’t know you

I was happy

I was loved and I loved

I didn’t have to ask

I didn’t have to fear

There was no struggle

There was no drama

There was no doubt.

I liked myself

And i was liked by the people around me

I didn’t feel all this bad shit

That came around

When you did.

You make people crazy

And then slip away into the night

You start the fight

And then dip out

Like a snake in the grass

You’re an ass

And that’s the last thing

I have to write about this matter

Cause you don’t really matter

Much

To

Anyone

Especially not much to me.

I just greatly dislike you

And never want to see you again

4:14 am Sunday morning

It’s raining and I’m sitting in my car outside my house.

I am alone

And I feel nothing but cold

When you die

You die alone

And I will not go to your funeral

No one will

I will not visit your grave

I will not cry

For I have no tears

Left

For what

I have already begun to forget

I have no fears

I have already lost everything before

You can’t take away anymore

Only years

Which I will forget as well

I will disappear

Like I never was here

And you will be left with

only a shadow

The memories

A reminder

Of my face

You can never replace

You can never erase

But never have back the same again

For I am not the same

I feel nothing but cold