I’m sorry for all that I did to make you feel unloved
I loved (love) you more than anything
I really should have handled things differently
I think we both could have but
I’m not here to point fingers
All I want is for you
To be happy
Even if it’s not with me.
I wish I could forget
Eject you from my brain
And heart
Erase my memory of you
Until you become somebody new
Or better yet you won’t become anything at all
It’s not fair that you can forget me
And I cannot ever forget you
Limited distractions
A force to reflect
All the things we normally forget
Looking back
I don’t look with the same heart or with the same head
mainly because
my love for you is dead
At the hands of you
At the hands of you
So you didn’t get away
No sir
Now With a better view
A clear realistic look at you
I wouldn’t want you to stay
I wouldn’t even consider it
Besides You never did much for me anyway.
It wasn’t me
It was you
That tried to make me pay
For your distorted view
How much better it would have been
If you cared and dared to really begin
If you didn’t allow all your past negative in
But you did
And it was there
You let your past negative win
Instead of us
You weren’t even aware
That it was you
Who
Took us down
Who would want that?
Not me
why would I ever
want someone like you around?
I don’t
Want you
At all
Anymore
I always knew
I was too good for you.
Now you will know it too
I csnt make someone be able to see
What I see
Just like others point out in me
What they see
And tell me what they want me to be
But I’m me
And me had a good heart
And me will deal with a lot
Until my heart had been ripped apart
One too many times
I get sick
Of the inconsistent love
Between each time you split
And I stuck around
So many times you left me
And kicked me while I was down
You didn’t even want me around
But you did this one too many times
You’ve show no care to be more aware
I’m not your punching bag
Hag
But the way you treat me
Sometimes is stuck a drag
And I don’t have love for someone who won’t show love for me
I don’t expect you to be
Any better
Any more
There’s the door
You’ve been asking for
You want out
Then you got it
I don’t want to try with this one sided shit
While you sit
And put all blame on me
I can’t love someone who doesn’t see
What they do
But they expect you to
I’ll save myself
For the kind of people
Who treat me right
Without a fight
I loved you for a long time
And I have more patience than most people do
It takes a lot for me to give up
But all you do
Are the things that make me lose love for you
so if that’s what you want
Then that’s what you get
But remember this :
I used to miss your lovely kiss
But you made that feeling go away
Just like me
You shouldn’t treat people you love like shit
Cause eventually they’ll get sick of it
And you
Goodnight
i dip and slip
under the moon…
i dip
and slip
under the moon
and fall past
the last
hand comin’ round too soon
i skate
and wait
for nothing cause it’s so much fun
to chase the moon
and run from the sun
i smile and spin
as something within
starts to begin
again
i dance and prance
and fly through the air
without a doubt or a single care
and as the morning dew
comes into view
i say goodbye
to the past
i held onto
what was
was then
and what is
is now
i got stuck between
the years somehow
so hello this moment
hello today
i am present
i am here
and i am okay
my eyes are open
my ears are open
my heart is open
i am open
to be me now.
-k.c.
When I fell in love with you
I had an open mind and an open heart
My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.
You treated me nice and kind and we had fun
Over time you let insecurities take over
And became angry and mean.
You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.
You took me for three kind of woman I was not.
I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.
I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.
What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.
I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.
You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.
It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.
I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed
I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.
That’s what love is to you
That’s not love to me
If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been
I wouldn’t lie and cheat
Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.
Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?
That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you
You pushed me away.
You did this.
Not me.
I did everything I could to show you
Love
You did everything you could to push me away
And this last time
You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.
For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.
I started to believe that everyone was like you
I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless
For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.
It’s Funny how life is sometimes.
On my lowest night
I met someone
And didn’t think much of it at the time
But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.
It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.
I loved you
But you didn’t love me.
And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.
If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.
You wouldn’t have let me go
But I’m kinda glad you did now
Cause now I know
What love really is. 
Late night meeting
He comes
A groan withdraws
Within the pardon
I need a distraction
I need his diversion
Another night aborts around the twelve turnaround
Moving through the halo of numbers
Choking the hands of time
This outline destines the viable trigger
Will he shake the smallest moon?
Or shake a farewell
And make distances of my ugly past?
The trade views the spectrum
Before a crime emerges the music
I am almost back from the dead
Looking at old pictures
From when
I didn’t know you
I was happy
I was loved and I loved
I didn’t have to ask
I didn’t have to fear
There was no struggle
There was no drama
There was no doubt.
I liked myself
And i was liked by the people around me
I didn’t feel all this bad shit
That came around
When you did.
You make people crazy
And then slip away into the night
You start the fight
And then dip out
Like a snake in the grass
You’re an ass
And that’s the last thing
I have to write about this matter
Cause you don’t really matter
Much
To
Anyone
Especially not much to me.
I just greatly dislike you
And never want to see you again
I can read between the lines
I can read the language you don’t speak in words
The writing on the wall is very clear
If you wanted to
You would be
Here.
Big man
Little man
Where do you stand
Little boy
I wasn’t made
For you
to be your little toy
When you come down
If you ever really do
Blabber and smoke
Treating everything
Like it’s one big joke
Laugh it up
Laugh out loud
And while you’re at it
Act so proud
Who you trying to fool
Yourself?
Or the crowd?
Maybe both
In the sky above
On the ground below
Who you really are begins to show
And it hurts only cause I let you in
I’m pretty sure lying
Is a Cardinal sin
Where does the false you end
And the real you begin?
I am letting you go
I am no longer holding on to what is no longer there
I’m not waiting for your care
Or your love
I’m not waiting for a sign
Or a phone call
Or a reply
That will never come
I’m not fooling myself by seeing your little effort give as a loaf of bread
When in reality
All you gave were crumbs
And that is why I would keep trying
Over crumbs I foolishly thought was love
But it wasn’t love
And you never really cared
And you don’t really care now
Cause if you did
I would feel it
I’ve been the one to reach out
To show interest
To take time
And now I’m done.
I’m not angry
I’m not even that sad
I’m just aware that
Holding on to you
Is a waste of time
If you didn’t appreciate me then
You never will
I can’t make you see
What you don’t
Or don’t want to see
I can’t make you feel what you do not feel
I accept you are the way you are
And it’s not what I want
And what I was holding onto is just an illusion I created in my head
And I won’t hold on to shadow
I no longer hold on to you
goodbye
Forever
I let you go
And I am okay
this desire
bottles full of memories
I struggle with the world
without you love
substances find problems
your fear finds misunderstanding
your fear keeps you away
and there’s nothing I can do
to change that
.
time is an island
deserted and alone
afraid to be forgotten
trying to survive
why must the wind
be so harsh?
the fallen
leaves
dance
on.
abandon
walls.
suicide without being able
to die
you take the path
of habit
devils and wolves
hijacked you
and your love
it really doesn’t matter now…
does it?
impossible to
get through
to you.
you got what
you wanted.
me removed.
i give up
and turn away
And stay
That way
On the path that
No longer leads to you.
2018
. . . but here I go anyway.
Poetry and fiction not intended for the masses — Sam M. Phillips
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