Appreciation

I’m sorry for all that I did to make you feel unloved

I loved (love) you more than anything

I really should have handled things differently

I think we both could have but

I’m not here to point fingers

All I want is for you

To be happy

Even if it’s not with me.

Sunshine for a spotless mind

I wish I could forget

Eject you from my brain

And heart

Erase my memory of you

Until you become somebody new

Or better yet you won’t become anything at all

It’s not fair that you can forget me

And I cannot ever forget you

Once upon a time… A long long time ago…

there’s no one who got away

Limited distractions

A force to reflect

All the things we normally forget

Looking back

I don’t look with the same heart or with the same head

mainly because

my love for you is dead

At the hands of you

At the hands of you

So you didn’t get away

No sir

Now With a better view

A clear realistic look at you

I wouldn’t want you to stay

I wouldn’t even consider it

Besides You never did much for me anyway.

It wasn’t me

It was you

That tried to make me pay

For your distorted view

How much better it would have been

If you cared and dared to really begin

If you didn’t allow all your past negative in

But you did

And it was there

You let your past negative win

Instead of us

You weren’t even aware

That it was you

Who

Took us down

Who would want that?

Not me

why would I ever

want someone like you around?

I don’t

Want you

At all

Anymore

I always knew

I was too good for you.

Now you will know it too

Enough drama

I csnt make someone be able to see

What I see

Just like others point out in me

What they see

And tell me what they want me to be

But I’m me

And me had a good heart

And me will deal with a lot

Until my heart had been ripped apart

One too many times

I get sick

Of the inconsistent love

Between each time you split

And I stuck around

So many times you left me

And kicked me while I was down

You didn’t even want me around

But you did this one too many times

You’ve show no care to be more aware

I’m not your punching bag

Hag

But the way you treat me

Sometimes is stuck a drag

And I don’t have love for someone who won’t show love for me

I don’t expect you to be

Any better

Any more

There’s the door

You’ve been asking for

You want out

Then you got it

I don’t want to try with this one sided shit

While you sit

And put all blame on me

I can’t love someone who doesn’t see

What they do

But they expect you to

I’ll save myself

For the kind of people

Who treat me right

Without a fight

I loved you for a long time

And I have more patience than most people do

It takes a lot for me to give up

But all you do

Are the things that make me lose love for you

so if that’s what you want

Then that’s what you get

But remember this :

I used to miss your lovely kiss

But you made that feeling go away

Just like me

You shouldn’t treat people you love like shit

Cause eventually they’ll get sick of it

And you

Goodnight

the mourning of my past

i dip and slip
under the moon…

i dip
and slip
under the moon
and fall past
the last
hand comin’ round too soon
i skate
and wait
for nothing cause it’s so much fun
to chase the moon
and run from the sun
i smile and spin
as something within
starts to begin
again
i dance and prance
and fly through the air
without a doubt or a single care
and as the morning dew
comes into view
i say goodbye
to the past
i held onto
what was
was then
and what is
is now
i got stuck between
the years somehow
so hello this moment
hello today
i am present
i am here
and i am okay
my eyes are open
my ears are open
my heart is open
i am open
to be me now.

 

7eaf34_18a5ffb03e4c45e08bab2887c92a5906_mv2

-k.c.

 

Love doesn’t have to be the way you make it out to be

When I fell in love with you

I had an open mind and an open heart

My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.

You treated me nice and kind and we had fun

Over time you let insecurities take over

And became angry and mean.

You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.

You took me for three kind of woman I was not.

I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.

I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.

What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.

I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.

You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.

It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.

I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed

I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.

That’s what love is to you

That’s not love to me

If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been

I wouldn’t lie and cheat

Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.

Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?

That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you

You pushed me away.

You did this.

Not me.

I did everything I could to show you

Love

You did everything you could to push me away

And this last time

You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.

For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.

I started to believe that everyone was like you

I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless

For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.

It’s Funny how life is sometimes.

On my lowest night

I met someone

And didn’t think much of it at the time

But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.

It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.

I loved you

But you didn’t love me.

And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.

If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.

You wouldn’t have let me go

But I’m kinda glad you did now

Cause now I know

What love really is.

MacGyver and me

Late night meeting

He comes

A groan withdraws

Within the pardon

I need a distraction

I need his diversion

Another night aborts around the twelve turnaround

Moving through the halo of numbers

Choking the hands of time

This outline destines the viable trigger

Will he shake the smallest moon?

Or shake a farewell

And make distances of my ugly past?

The trade views the spectrum

Before a crime emerges the music

I am almost back from the dead

4 years ago

Looking at old pictures

From when

I didn’t know you

I was happy

I was loved and I loved

I didn’t have to ask

I didn’t have to fear

There was no struggle

There was no drama

There was no doubt.

I liked myself

And i was liked by the people around me

I didn’t feel all this bad shit

That came around

When you did.

You make people crazy

And then slip away into the night

You start the fight

And then dip out

Like a snake in the grass

You’re an ass

And that’s the last thing

I have to write about this matter

Cause you don’t really matter

Much

To

Anyone

Especially not much to me.

I just greatly dislike you

And never want to see you again

Noise noise and more noise

I can read between the lines

I can read the language you don’t speak in words

The writing on the wall is very clear

If you wanted to

You would be

Here.

Big man

Little man

Where do you stand

Little boy

I wasn’t made

For you

to be your little toy

When you come down

If you ever really do

Blabber and smoke

Treating everything

Like it’s one big joke

Laugh it up

Laugh out loud

And while you’re at it

Act so proud

Who you trying to fool

Yourself?

Or the crowd?

Maybe both

In the sky above

On the ground below

Who you really are begins to show

And it hurts only cause I let you in

I’m pretty sure lying

Is a Cardinal sin

Where does the false you end

And the real you begin?

Truth

I am letting you go

I am no longer holding on to what is no longer there

I’m not waiting for your care

Or your love

I’m not waiting for a sign

Or a phone call

Or a reply

That will never come

I’m not fooling myself by seeing your little effort give as a loaf of bread

When in reality

All you gave were crumbs

And that is why I would keep trying

Over crumbs I foolishly thought was love

But it wasn’t love

And you never really cared

And you don’t really care now

Cause if you did

I would feel it

I’ve been the one to reach out

To show interest

To take time

And now I’m done.

I’m not angry

I’m not even that sad

I’m just aware that

Holding on to you

Is a waste of time

If you didn’t appreciate me then

You never will

I can’t make you see

What you don’t

Or don’t want to see

I can’t make you feel what you do not feel

I accept you are the way you are

And it’s not what I want

And what I was holding onto is just an illusion I created in my head

And I won’t hold on to shadow

I no longer hold on to you

goodbye

Forever

I let you go

And I am okay

It’s cold outside

this desire

bottles full of memories

I struggle with the world

without you love

substances find problems

your fear finds misunderstanding

your fear keeps you away

and there’s nothing I can do

to change that

.

time is an island

deserted and alone

afraid to be forgotten

trying to survive

why must the wind

be so harsh?

the fallen

leaves

dance

on.

abandon

walls.

suicide without being able

to die

you take the path

of habit

devils and wolves

hijacked you

and your love

it really doesn’t matter now…

does it?

impossible to

get through

to you.

you got what

you wanted.

me removed.

i give up

and turn away

And stay

That way

On the path that

No longer leads to you.

  • kc

2018

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