Uncategorized – Page 6 – skin loves fever

Trauma bond

I spent close to 7 years

Thinking you were my person

But I was wrong

The last time I saw you

When you went into a rage

Screaming and shouting

Saying horrible nasty things

Just Like so many times before.

This time was different

Everything was clear

I didn’t try to make it better

I let you scream and shout

Spitting words

As cruel and careless as before

But this time it didn’t hurt me

It didn’t break me

Because I knew they weren’t true

And for the first time

I saw that the problem is you.

I used to take the blame

I used to beg and try and cry

And fight for your affection

You always put the blame on me

I used to cry and cry

because I thought I loved you

I thought you loved me

I thought I did something to deserve

All your anger, neglect and hate you threw

But this time

I saw the true you-

That’s why I didn’t try

I didn’t care to explain what you never cared to understand

I let you scream and rage

Because that’s who you are and what you do

And when you left – when you abandoned-

this time – I didn’t try – i didn’t care- to stop you

It’s what you always do

I didn’t text you

I didn’t hate myself

And this time I don’t feel bad

i did nothing wrong

But you always have put the blame on me

And that has allowed you -to never have to see yourself

So you continue to act the same

never sorry for any damage you do

When you’re drunk

When you’re triggered

You don’t want to feel

Anything good

Because you don’t want to feel anything bad

You won’t get better

You will never change

You have nothing I can work with

You expect perfection but don’t give it

it takes little to nothing for you to

Destroy everything we have built

you don’t care if you tear – Someone or something down

And I can no longer take that risk

Because YOU DON’T CHANGE

I thought I loved you

But I was comfortable with

The toxicity that is you

Because your toxicity was so familiar

to the only kind of “love“ I’ve ever known

Which isn’t love

It’s abuse

And there’s no excuse

For me not to not see

Who you really are

I see who you really are

The truth

Your actions and behavior

Have damaged

All that was good and pure inside

What you have done

Which you fail to see

Don’t care to see

What you Don’t care to understand

Is you did things to ruin

Someone

Who gave you something

Beautiful

Which you took

And destroyed.

You destroyed something

Just because you didn’t care enough

About another person

You only care about yourself

Maybe I’m not mean

Maybe I’m just honest

And

Maybe I’m hurt

Because I gave you something

And you destroyed it

Like nothing

Like it didn’t matter

Because all that matters to you- is you

Because you were hurt

And haven’t spent any time

Dealing with it

Alone.

Never again will I allow

Someone as careless as you

Who can operate the Way you do

In my life

You deserve all the hurt

Because you’re just as hurtful

And

I want nothing more to do with you

Don’t worry

You will never hear from me again

too left – too right- never any good

sex positivity is a good thing
but not with everyone
women used to get shamed for just trying something different with her own husband- while he could go and find many mistresses or concubines- and it was perfectly fine.
think of your own daughter- how would you feel if a boy treated her the way you treat women?
I guess your excuses would be fine… right?
NO.

I want to write more… but I am healing.
and I don’t need any other person’s outside validation to tell me who I am or how great I am or how worthy I am.
they don’t even know how worth they are.
and they don’t live in a way that I feel would bring any good to my life.
I would just join the dark side. hedonistic- only self-serving, selfish

no wonder this world is the way it is-
well not all of the world-

you can follow the masses and not think for yourself
or you can see how the thinking has been controlled by a small group of people that control everything we see, think, and do – and have been for so long that we don’t even realize how little we think for ourselves. we are programmed.

my body, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my brain, my organs. my nervous system as well as all the other systems, my light, my love, etc… as well as all the other things you can’t with your eyes and can’t touch with your hands- but most pe0ple know is there… is important to keep sacred and take care of.

when you know yourself beyond this world and this life… and step away from the manipulation that c0mes from the people in power who and in control- who want to keep us down – because if we knew our own power – if we knew what we were capable of – we would evolve and we wouldn’t continue to live within the confines that others have built for us that limit us- that we think we need – in order to survive.

protect yourself. know thyself. don’t let anyone treat you like you’re just a body, a slave, just one of the many, expendable. disposable. used.

how would you feel if your daughter was treated that way?

I am worthy of love and commitment. I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who did not value you in that way… but you doing that to others instead of taking the time to heal- is not okay.

people will hurt you but do you want to continue that just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others and/or you have to make them feel like they can’t trust you.

grow from it. heal from it. but that takes time. sometimes years.
but you haven’t even given it a few months.
and all you do is pass that on
and take it out
on someone else and close your eyes and turn your back to the hurt you cause. .. because you are hurt and don’t want to deal with you first.

I will not spend anymore time
giving my energy to someone who chooses to behave in a way that is only self-serving. if someone is mean to you- when they weren’t before- maybe the problem is you. especially when you know that everyone I wrote above it true.

I’m not perfect- but I want to be with someone who is okay with that and is okay with connecting on a level that you will never know –

I say goodbye

and I walk away.

you have shown me that you do not understand the damage you cause-

you do not care to because it hurts like hell

and you’ve been hurt

but that does not mean it’s okay to do it to someone else

you’re not dumb…stop playing dumb.

because it’s not about me

it’s about not losing yourself…

which happens when we avoid what is really causing our pain and we don’t give ourselves the time alone to process and heal.

I had a letter…

but it’s too late now.

I didn’t give away to others- what I gave to you

but you did.

I’m walking away

because who you want

is not me.

Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright – Bob Dylan

Long Long Long -The Beatles

Memories fall from my eyes and run down my cheeks

7 years later and we meet again

Funny how life works out that way

Even if I don’t know what it is

And it’s been so long

7 years ago

Everything I wanted

Went wrong

Letting Go: Healing Alone Before Finding Someone Real

I’ve been in love
and I’ve lost it too
but I never expected
to ever love you
I gave you a lot
I gave you me
but it made me blind
too blind to see

that you were somebody
i was better off not to know
quickly we were so close
only to have you just as quickly go

away.

and that is how I want you to stay

away.

you don’t appreciate what we had
so I would not want you to stay anyway

it’s better this way
it’s better this way

too much baggage
you carry
you can’t put down
why would anyone really
want to stick around
when you can’t
and you won’t and you don’t
you jumped right back out
when you’re not even close to being ready
or steady enough to be
where there is people looking for something and someone real
you only care about what you see
and how YOU feel
not how others feel
you need to take alone to heal
YOU
before
you try to find someone else
you’re not ready for
when you aren’t looking for something more
from someone else
but you lead them on
I’m happy you are gone
and
I’m happy to not be
anything with you
(nothing with you)
anymore

the end.

I’ve experienced the pain of love and loss, and I never anticipated feeling the way I did for you. I gave my all, but it blinded me to the truth. Sometimes, it’s better not to know someone, especially when they come into your life only to leave just as quickly. It’s okay for you to stay away, as I realize now that you never truly appreciated our relationship. It’s for the best. You carry too much baggage and aren’t ready for something real. Take time for yourself before leading others on. I’m content that you’re no longer part of my life. The end.

Check out the link below for some amazing books that will help you feel better after a breakup or the ending of a relationship, or just to help you improve the way you feel about yourself..

self help books

i don’t want this to end

“i don’t want this to end,” she said…
nobody does
until something/someone better takes their place.
but for some… nothing ever does
and they are left
with just a memory
of a time when they were truly happy
of a time that will never be here again.