I know that whatever comes after this
will be alright
I know that whatever comes after this
will be alright
When I fell in love with you
I had an open mind and an open heart
My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.
You treated me nice and kind and we had fun
Over time you let insecurities take over
And became angry and mean.
You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.
You took me for three kind of woman I was not.
I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.
I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.
What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.
I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.
You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.
It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.
I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed
I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.
That’s what love is to you
That’s not love to me
If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been
I wouldn’t lie and cheat
Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.
Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?
That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you
You pushed me away.
You did this.
I did everything I could to show you
You did everything you could to push me away
And this last time
You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.
For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.
I started to believe that everyone was like you
I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless
For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.
It’s Funny how life is sometimes.
On my lowest night
I met someone
And didn’t think much of it at the time
But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.
It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.
I loved you
But you didn’t love me.
And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.
If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.
You wouldn’t have let me go
But I’m kinda glad you did now
Cause now I know
What love really is.
Late night meeting
A groan withdraws
Within the pardon
I need a distraction
I need his diversion
Another night aborts around the twelve turnaround
Moving through the halo of numbers
Choking the hands of time
This outline destines the viable trigger
Will he shake the smallest moon?
Or shake a farewell
And make distances of my ugly past?
The trade views the spectrum
Before a crime emerges the music
I am almost back from the dead
I am letting you go
I am no longer holding on to what is no longer there
I’m not waiting for your care
Or your love
I’m not waiting for a sign
Or a phone call
Or a reply
That will never come
I’m not fooling myself by seeing your little effort give as a loaf of bread
When in reality
All you gave were crumbs
And that is why I would keep trying
Over crumbs I foolishly thought was love
But it wasn’t love
And you never really cared
And you don’t really care now
Cause if you did
I would feel it
I’ve been the one to reach out
To show interest
To take time
And now I’m done.
I’m not angry
I’m not even that sad
I’m just aware that
Holding on to you
Is a waste of time
If you didn’t appreciate me then
You never will
I can’t make you see
What you don’t
Or don’t want to see
I can’t make you feel what you do not feel
I accept you are the way you are
And it’s not what I want
And what I was holding onto is just an illusion I created in my head
And I won’t hold on to shadow
I no longer hold on to you
I let you go
And I am okay
It’s hard to ignore
The lack of care
In your stare
It’s the way
People in this town
Seem to be
And this apathy
Is making me
Want to get the fuck out
And jump into
Then you begin
It seems like I’m always starting over
It seems like I’m always going backwards
In the race around the track
I get myself back
Or do I?
Maybe I’m just a little more tired
Tired of trying
Again and Again
Time is a tick of the mind
Where we once belonged
Has gone far away
A shout in the street
Start to fade
All that we made
Is born to die
A brief history of time
Under freeway balconies
Nude naked and stripped
Secrets behind smiles
The horse would know, but the horse can’t talk
Rhapsodies in black
Documenting disposable people
Once Held together by water
But now Broken apart by man
Is it just a minor glitch?
Or Did they flip the major switch?
Maybe we were powered down
Like little robots held spellbound
Held captive under their cloak
Your truth is just their joke
That most of you folks
But mark my words
they got something up their sleeve
I don’t know what’s coming
But I know it can’t be good
They got us thinkin
Left is right
So we got reasons to pick a fight
We ain’t thinking like we should
I don’t know what’s coming.
But I know it won’t be good
I relized something today
I can want you in my life
And I would have you
Make space and time for you
And it doesn’t matter to you
If I’m a part of your life
You could take me or leave me
One way or the other
It’s not that important to you
And yeah it hurts
But then I think
That you are just who you are
And maybe there’s never been anything or anyone important enough to you for you to make the effort to try
And I mean really try to give yourself fully to one thing. One person. To love from a place without the fear of what may happen or the fear of what will happen sometimes. To give full allowance to the fact that maybe you might get hurt. But maybe not. And what If not. What if after the difficult times and momentary struggles ( which is all we focus on when we’re struggling instead of looking at all the good stuff)… What if it was really amazing? Amazing cause you took the time and care and love and really got to know the other person and learn to accept each other and love each other and deal with each other on a whole new level.
Without judgements or inaccurate beliefs about the other person who we judge because we don’t fully understand them
Maybe there’s never been anything worth it to you to want to keep around.
But what if people really loved and cared enough about each other to just try when it’s not easy. To love when the person is hard to love yet they need it the most. Showing trust and giving trust and being completely honest and open. Not everyone is the same so why do we expect everyone to know and feel what you feel and judge
Maybe giving ourselces to something fully is the answer. Not half assed. Not always having one foot out the door. Ready to give up ready to leave. What if the answer is commiting ourselves to someone or something fully…knowing it’s not always gonna be fun or easy and being okay, ready and willing for that.
Maybe we would find the most amazing thing you’ve ever known
Cause we took the time and effort dedication in someone or something to actually know
You can tell me you’re not afraid of anything
But clearly we all are
Give someone that loves you the chance to be who they really are
Teach them to grow through love
Tell them they matter and that you love them.
Make them feel loved and safe and show them that you are someone they can trust by being trustworthy.
That’s how we change the world
Give love when someone needs it
And accept the love that person gives
Show love and others will show love back.
I know you are you
And I am me
But sometimes i wish you did feel the way I feel for you
But we can’t always have someone wants to give all that you’re willing to give
Not everyone is going to love us back
I’m happy to know that someday I’ll have someone who wants to put up with me too
And that’s something that makes me love even more. 😉
i’ve been stuck
in a rut
for too long
but i let myself
and now i’m letting myself get
the fuck out out out
i wanna shout shoutSHOUT!!!!
damn all you manipulators
damn all you messengers of doubt
all your projection
i need protection
your soul suck
and mind fuck
there’s noluv… in what you do
and i got no time left to waste on you.
That I miss
He does not
Miss at all
He built his wall
He does not call
He does not care
To have me there
He doesn’t love me
He shut the door
If he could only see
Things from inside of my heart
But what’s the point?
He treated me
Worse than shit
Everyone else saw it
I held on to the good
That was just a lie
I don’t even try
He’s a lost cause
It’s pointless now
To hold on to something
Who cared so little
When I cared so much.
I write because you exist...
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