Love doesn’t have to be the way you make it out to be

When I fell in love with you

I had an open mind and an open heart

My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.

You treated me nice and kind and we had fun

Over time you let insecurities take over

And became angry and mean.

You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.

You took me for three kind of woman I was not.

I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.

I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.

What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.

I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.

You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.

It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.

I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed

I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.

That’s what love is to you

That’s not love to me

If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been

I wouldn’t lie and cheat

Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.

Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?

That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you

You pushed me away.

You did this.

Not me.

I did everything I could to show you

Love

You did everything you could to push me away

And this last time

You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.

For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.

I started to believe that everyone was like you

I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless

For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.

It’s Funny how life is sometimes.

On my lowest night

I met someone

And didn’t think much of it at the time

But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.

It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.

I loved you

But you didn’t love me.

And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.

If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.

You wouldn’t have let me go

But I’m kinda glad you did now

Cause now I know

What love really is.

MacGyver and me

Late night meeting

He comes

A groan withdraws

Within the pardon

I need a distraction

I need his diversion

Another night aborts around the twelve turnaround

Moving through the halo of numbers

Choking the hands of time

This outline destines the viable trigger

Will he shake the smallest moon?

Or shake a farewell

And make distances of my ugly past?

The trade views the spectrum

Before a crime emerges the music

I am almost back from the dead

Truth

I am letting you go

I am no longer holding on to what is no longer there

I’m not waiting for your care

Or your love

I’m not waiting for a sign

Or a phone call

Or a reply

That will never come

I’m not fooling myself by seeing your little effort give as a loaf of bread

When in reality

All you gave were crumbs

And that is why I would keep trying

Over crumbs I foolishly thought was love

But it wasn’t love

And you never really cared

And you don’t really care now

Cause if you did

I would feel it

I’ve been the one to reach out

To show interest

To take time

And now I’m done.

I’m not angry

I’m not even that sad

I’m just aware that

Holding on to you

Is a waste of time

If you didn’t appreciate me then

You never will

I can’t make you see

What you don’t

Or don’t want to see

I can’t make you feel what you do not feel

I accept you are the way you are

And it’s not what I want

And what I was holding onto is just an illusion I created in my head

And I won’t hold on to shadow

I no longer hold on to you

goodbye

Forever

I let you go

And I am okay

Apathy

A night

A fuck

A sore

A bore

It’s hard to ignore

The lack of care

In your stare

Unaffected

Disconnected

It’s the way

People in this town

Seem to be

Now

And this apathy

Is making me

Want to get the fuck out

Of this

And jump into

Something new.

for a minute there, i lost myself. downtown turn. making the same mistakes beginning again

Downtown turn

Head -on

Tail spin

Lose yourself

Then you begin

Again

And again

It seems like I’m always starting over

It seems like I’m always going backwards

In the race around the track

I get myself back

Or do I?

Maybe I’m just a little more tired

Tired of trying

Again and Again

-kyoko cole

2018

In Geneva no one can hear you scream

Time is a tick of the mind

Where we once belonged

Has gone far away

Today

And now

Black smoke

Beautiful losers

A shout in the street

Start to fade

All that we made

Is born to die

A brief history of time

Obsession

Old lovers

Under freeway balconies

Nude naked and stripped

Secrets behind smiles

The horse would know, but the horse can’t talk

Rhapsodies in black

Documenting disposable people

Disposers

Exposers

Of

Ghost images

Ghost people

ghost world

Once Held together by water

But now Broken apart by man

Read between the fine print

Is it just a minor glitch?

Or Did they flip the major switch?

Maybe we were powered down

Like little robots held spellbound

Held captive under their cloak

Your truth is just their joke

That most of you folks

believe

But mark my words

they got something up their sleeve

I don’t know what’s coming

But I know it can’t be good

They got us thinkin

Left is right

So we got reasons to pick a fight

We ain’t thinking like we should

I don’t know what’s coming.

But I know it won’t be good

Time has come today

I relized something today

I can want you in my life

And I would have you

Make space and time for you

And it doesn’t matter to you

If I’m a part of your life

You could take me or leave me

One way or the other

It’s not that important to you

And yeah it hurts

But then I think

That you are just who you are

And maybe there’s never been anything or anyone important enough to you for you to make the effort to try

And I mean really try to give yourself fully to one thing. One person. To love from a place without the fear of what may happen or the fear of what will happen sometimes. To give full allowance to the fact that maybe you might get hurt. But maybe not. And what If not. What if after the difficult times and momentary struggles ( which is all we focus on when we’re struggling instead of looking at all the good stuff)… What if it was really amazing? Amazing cause you took the time and care and love and really got to know the other person and learn to accept each other and love each other and deal with each other on a whole new level.

Without fear

Without judgements or inaccurate beliefs about the other person who we judge because we don’t fully understand them

Maybe there’s never been anything worth it to you to want to keep around.

But what if people really loved and cared enough about each other to just try when it’s not easy. To love when the person is hard to love yet they need it the most. Showing trust and giving trust and being completely honest and open. Not everyone is the same so why do we expect everyone to know and feel what you feel and judge

Maybe giving ourselces to something fully is the answer. Not half assed. Not always having one foot out the door. Ready to give up ready to leave. What if the answer is commiting ourselves to someone or something fully…knowing it’s not always gonna be fun or easy and being okay, ready and willing for that.

Maybe we would find the most amazing thing you’ve ever known

Cause we took the time and effort dedication in someone or something to actually know

You can tell me you’re not afraid of anything

But clearly we all are

Give someone that loves you the chance to be who they really are

Teach them to grow through love

Tell them they matter and that you love them.

Make them feel loved and safe and show them that you are someone they can trust by being trustworthy.

That’s how we change the world

Give love when someone needs it

And accept the love that person gives

Show love and others will show love back.

I know you are you

And I am me

But sometimes i wish you did feel the way I feel for you

For me

But we can’t always have someone wants to give all that you’re willing to give

Not everyone is going to love us back

That’s okay.

I’m happy to know that someday I’ll have someone who wants to put up with me too

And that’s something that makes me love even more. 😉

Break something…

i’ve been stuck

in a rut

for too long

but i let myself

get there

and now i’m letting myself get

the fuck out out out

i wanna shout shoutSHOUT!!!!

damn all you manipulators

damn all you messengers of doubt

all your projection

i need protection

from you

your soul suck

and mind fuck

there’s noluv… in what you do

and i got no time left to waste on you.

Big head

Beso

Every kiss

That I miss

He does not

Miss at all

He built his wall

Between us

He does not call

He does not care

To have me there

With him

He doesn’t love me

Anymore

He shut the door

On me

If he could only see

Things from inside of my heart

But what’s the point?

He lied

He cheated

He treated me

Like shit

Worse than shit

Like nothing

Everyone else saw it

I held on to the good

That was just a lie

That’s why

I don’t even try

He’s a lost cause

It’s pointless now

To hold on to something

Or someone

Who cared so little

When I cared so much.

Not my Captain

under cover tears
and under cover fears
steers

the ship
without help

from me or you

under a moonless darkness
of questions

My heart weeps

while
your other lover sleeps
She rests without worry
without wonder

Without thought
As she takes
your heart and soul for a walk
in the streets of longing i seek
the things you shall never speak
not to me

ever
and never
when
i needed you to

an enigma is not that great
When it’s an empty full of hate
it has no soul
and has no control

but i’m not the one
who’s got you trapped
down in a hole
and calls it child support
but yet I am the one
who you abort
cause you’re old
cause you’re cold

the last sentence you saw
makes people shiver
the last sentence you saw
is running away
to a better day
a more passionate evening
stole all the goods

i have a trained assassin stay overnight
just in case
i’m caught up in a fight
i didn’t start
but i WILL end
when i send in
my ninja friend
to break
some knees
please
let the HEARTBREAKING lies
roll over us
like the warm summer breeze.
abstraction is often FIVE floorS above you
while
subtraction is a hundred floors below
that is something
you see in others
but in yourself
will never know