You want to leave me and i can’t argue i can’t give you anything that will make you feel like you should stay if you’ve already made you way Out the door like I’ve seen many times before you ever existed in my life all i can do is cry as the greatest part of me continues to die the end is near i say words that have no sound that you will never hear the fear of losing again wins.
how does it feel with no time to say no room to speak place to stand no ears to hear silenced voice only hear screams lost and longing fall through in fevered dreams how do you heal? I don’t know how to think what I feel what is real what is fear what to do nothing is clear what is okay what is right what is wrong it’s getting hard to stay strong I don’t know how to feel okay how to be okay how to play okay just enough to make it through a day how do I know? how do I learn how do I stop how do I turn everything around how to get up after being pushed and dragged down get out of this trap repair what is lost fill in every gap?
no comfort in speaking I shut down when there’s no care to be aware you can’t make someone care about your hurt your pain everything I’ve ever love goes away but you don’t feel me how can you feel what you don’t take the time to feel less and less time and you have become comfortable the truth ignored I’m losing every sense where I came from disconnected and rejected the child inside of me is locked in the bathroom drowning in the tub my heart in the sink I can’t make anyone feel me I can’t make anyone think I won’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do naturally but I will remain locked inside the bathroom alone and have a good cry as another part of me dies remain lock in the bathroom because it’s the only place I feel safe I lost someone who meant a lot to me when I was a child the two people who created me were never there I have no sense of family that died a long time ago the only think I know is people come and always go the people who made me I can’t trust I don’t really know made me feel rejected replaced and erased that’s all they ever show no one will keep you safe it’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom let the water run so no one can hear the cries it’s okay to pretend not to notice as another piece of you dies
I wish you could know how my heart feels I can’t tell you how to be you only see what you want to see and you don’t see me I can’t tell you how I feel you never cared to listen you don’t want to hear you don’t feel me I came from you but you were already a million miles away I have no connection to you I have no connection to the man who helped you make me too you never wanted me I always wanted and needed you but I know now you are no mother to me so now I’ve got to set you free …
I hear doubt and then I. start to feel the same it’s not your fault there’s no one to blame but I’m too old too cold too scared too familiar with men and their in and out game I’m fine without it if you doubt it even a bit I will quit I’ve had a life long lesson on how to get over it and over things I’ve learned how to not want what does not want me I’ve learned how to change how I feel from changing how I see sometimes it’s just a better way to be than to be rejected neglected deflected vivisected disconnected
I will let it be and if you really need and want and love me more than I love you we would be together right now.
photographs of people some I can’t remember some I would rather forget some… I will forever miss if I could do it all over again I would and I wouldn’t change a thing … not because it was perfect (it wasn’t) not because I didn’t fuck up (I most definitely did) but because all those things… led me to you and it’s you – I have been waiting my whole life for.