Finding self-worth – skin loves fever

Embracing the Shift: Understanding Relationship Patterns

This morning, I realized I deserve genuine love, not just crumbs. I’m done with one-sided relationships and embracing my worth while healing and learning.

I woke up this morning and something shifted.

For most of my life, love has felt like something I had to earn. I learned early on that relationships were conditional. I realized that affection wasn’t guaranteed. If I wanted to be kept around, I had to give more. I had to try harder and be easier. That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from what I grew up with, and it followed me into every relationship I’ve known.

So I’m honest with myself now. I’ve accepted one-sided relationships because they felt familiar. I’ve stayed where effort was minimal and connection was inconsistent. I’ve poured into people who offered me just enough to keep me hoping. I’ve mistaken breadcrumbs for care and potential for reality.

And it has hurt. More than I’ve wanted to admit.

Lately, I’ve been letting myself really feel that pain instead of pushing past it. I’m acknowledging the sadness, the frustration, the quiet humiliation of wanting more and pretending I didn’t. I’m not judging myself for it anymore. I’m starting to understand how deeply this pattern has affected my emotional health, and how much it’s shaped the way I see myself.

I’ve been looking back at my relationships, all of them, and the pattern is impossible to ignore now. The imbalance. The way I do most of the emotional work. The way I show up fully while being met halfway or not at all. The way I feel wanted mostly when someone wants something from me. Sex. Validation. To feel desired. To feel better about themselves.

Sitting with that truth hasn’t been easy. It’s lonely. It brings up parts of me that feel unwanted and replaceable. But I’m staying with those parts instead of abandoning them. I’m letting the discomfort exist without rushing to fill the space with another person or another excuse.

I’m doing the work, even though it hurts like hell. I’m writing. I’m talking. I’m sitting in the quiet. I’m grieving not just the people. I’m grieving the versions of relationships I believed would show up eventually. I thought they would if I was patient enough or good enough. Letting go of that hope is painful, but it’s also honest.

As I do this, something is changing. I’m becoming more aware of myself in real time. I notice when I start to minimize my needs. I catch the moments where I want to accept less just to feel chosen. That awareness feels heavy, but it also feels like power returning to me.

I’m learning to accept people as they are, not as I wish they could be. And that acceptance is doing something important. It’s making it impossible to keep lying to myself. When someone shows little effort, I notice it. When consistency is missing, I recognize it. When I’m left doing all the work, it becomes clear to me. And seeing it clearly changes what I’m willing to tolerate.

I’m starting to understand that wanting someone means showing up. It means effort. It means care that doesn’t disappear when things get inconvenient. And I’m realizing I don’t want relationships that only exist when someone wants something from me. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t want to be an option or a convenience.

This morning, I wake up and I can feel the shift. It’s subtle, but it’s real. I don’t feel the same pull toward what hurts me. I don’t feel the same urge to chase or explain or prove my worth. That doesn’t mean the work is done. It means the work is working.

I’m reclaiming my time and my energy, even as I’m still figuring out how. I’m turning back toward myself. Toward what grounds me. Toward people and spaces that feel mutual. I’m reminding myself, over and over, that I am worthy of love that is genuine and reciprocal.

Today feels like the start of something new. It’s not because everything is healed. It’s because something inside me has finally shifted. I no longer want one-sided relationships. I no longer want to beg for effort. I want connections where I’m met, not managed.

This is me, in the middle of it. Still healing. Still learning. Still choosing myself. And today, that choice feels real.

“Like a bright light, you inspire and deserve love. Your spirit brings joy and hope. Know your worth; you deserve support for your dreams.”

Navigating Life at 42: A Journey of Healing, Loneliness, and Self-Discovery

In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.

Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations

As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect

My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.

The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family

One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle

As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.

Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness

While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.

Reaching Out to Others

The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.

Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery

As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.

In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.

Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.

The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.

So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.

The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.

In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.

Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.

Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.