skin loves fever

stop

what are we celebrating?
do you even know?
I hate doing things
just because I’m told
I’m getting too old
for this
I don’t want to deal with
all the fucking people
outside
on the street
all the fucking people
in my town
I never want to meet.
all the fucking people
who take up space
in every corner
every place
this used to feel like home
but now it feels like hell
I’m not buying
what everyone is trying to sell.
I want love
I want green
I want to touch the earth
I don’t want to be seen
by anyone but you ;)

Costco sucks

Traffic jam inside a traffic jam

This is a city full of cars but no parking spots

And I’m stuck inside the parking lot

of costco

The clubhouse of consumption

with so many members

A mob of hungry people

pushing around their shopping carts

They can’t even do that well

They push and walk like they drive

So Angry and stupid

I just want to get out of here alive.

Fuck costco

I’d rather save my soul (and my time) than a couple of measly bucks

split hit

hurt becomes normal
no one notices
you can feel yourself start to fade away
no grace
stuck in a place
you can’t escape
loose words
lose meaning
hurt becomes normal
you can’t kill what is already dead
and he can’t take back
what he fails to see
and all the ugly deeds and hurtful words he said
just like grandpa
who confused your little head
with words that don’t match actions
when the line becomes too blurred
knowing wrong
but told it’s right
being sold as gold
until one day you’re old
and filled with fright
no one to trust
no one who understands your everlasting struggle
no one understands your daily fight
silenced
into solitude
made to feel stupid
grayed out until you’ve so pushed down
with only vampires and clowns
all around
you lose yourself
and don’t want to be found
it’s not worth it
nothing is worth it
and
you used to have light
you used to have light….

it’s all gone.

Navigating Life at 42: A Journey of Healing, Loneliness, and Self-Discovery

In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.

Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations

As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect

My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.

The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family

One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle

As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.

Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness

While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.

Reaching Out to Others

The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.

Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery

As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.

In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.

Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.

The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.

So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.

The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.

In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.

Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.

Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.

written by kyoko cole:

b-side junkie

Enter your email below to receive updates.

I can only deal with you in doses

You scare me .

Because you can be careless with someone’s heart

i can tell

I can tell because of the way you are careless with mine

Yet I’m the scary one.

Well it’s okay because now i know

that detachment is needed

Allowing myself to be close to you

WILL NEVER

happen now

THIS IS A POST THAT IS EVIL BUT IT’S ABOUT A VERY EVIL PERSON WHO I THOUGHT WAS A FRIEND. SHE’S A CUNT WHO HAS NO FRIENDS.

I was in love.
he loved me
but some people hate to see people happy
I didn’t realize how low people would go
just to drag me down in the hole they’re in

it’s been almost a year
I found out he saw something in my bag
that wasn’t mine
he left
my “friend” told me
‘oh he’s to0 boring for you’
but I didn’t understand
how one week we could be planning our future
to the next week
he takes off
leaves states
over nothing
not anything that could not be worked out
but now I know
my “friend”
was never my friend
she hated that I was happy
she talked shit about me behind my back
moved stuffed I owned around
planted things in my house
because she wanted everyone to believe
that I was something worse than she.
and it worked
and I lost
I never had much
but she made me lose a lot of what really mattered
and now I lost something even more
myself
the light
the belief in people being good

the love in my heart
the trust I had

all because of some miserable bitch
trying to pretend to be my friend to my face
but do witchery manipulative mind fuck shit
behind my back
because she is nobody
SHE IS NOTHING
SHE IS UGLY INSIDE AND OUT
AND EVERYONE WHO GETS CLOSE TO HER
KNOWS IT
HENCE WHY SHE HAS

NO FRIENDS

but you caused me
to lose things
I loved
so much
who loved me
and you lie \
you cheat
you steal
and you’re so good at playing the part
that people think you’re real
well people who don’t know you
because everyone who gets to know you
sees through your BULLSHIT
WHICH IS EVERYTHING YOU ARE
AND THEY D0N’T LIKE YOU AT ALL

AT ALL

YOU ARE NOTHING

YOU DON’T BRING ANY GOOD TO THIS WORLD

AND THAT’S NOT ME BEING MEAN
that’s the truth

all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved
and YOU FUCKED WITH MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE SO PATHETIC DUMB AND MISERABLE.

AND I TRUSTED YOU.

IT’S FUNNY HOW YOU MADE PEOPLE BELIEVE I WAS SOMEBODY
DOING THINS
THAT YOU DO
I COULD NOT
WOULD NOT EVER
WILL NEVER BE
AS SHITTY OF A PERSON
AS YOU.

your ego needs to do you a favor and step aside
so you can see how shitty of a person you are
and maybe then you’ll do this world a favor
whatever comes to your mind first
but you do not make this world a better place

YOU’RE THE UGLIEST CRUELEST PERSON

THAT I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND

YO MADE ME LOSE THINGS THAT I REALLY TRUELY APPRECIATED AND LOVED

ALL FOR YOUR MISERY TO HAVE COMPANY:?

FUCK YOU BITCH

I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT TO ALL COME BACK TO YOU
BECAUSE WHEN YOU FUCK WITH PEOPLE THE WAY YOU DO
(AND YOU’VE DONE SO MANY TIMES -YOU THINK PEOPLE DON’T TALK HA)
IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU

AND I WILL SIT THERE AND WATCH AND LAUGH AND HOPE
NOTHING LIKE YOU
GETS CREATED EVER AGAIN

BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING

YOU DO NOTHING IN THIS WORLD
NOTHING

YO’RE NOBODY

YOU’RE SHIT

NO AMOUNT OF PLASTIC SURGERY
COULD FIX A FUCKED UP FACE
AND AN UGLY SOUL AND HEART LIKE YOURS

YOU DUMB STUPID BITCH.
YUU REALLY ARE THE UGLIEST
MOST SHALLOW
MOST SELFISH FUCKED UP PERSON I HAVE EVER MET
DO THE WORLD A FAVOR
AND GO THE FUCK AWAY
SO NO ONE HAS TO DEAL
WITH SUCH A SHITTY FUCKING PERSON LIKE YOU

AND THE REAL MESSED UP PART IS YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKIGN SMART AND GREAT

BUT YOU AREN’T AND YOU WILL NEVER BE
AND YOU’RE OLD AND UGLY
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU ARE TO GOOD PEOP;LE
FUCK YOU BITCH

instagram.com/bsidejunkie

I really cared

Why do you enjoy hurting someone who cared about you?

Why are you so unkind?

You let some girl answer your phone and question who I was like I had no right to call you

Like I meant nothing

That’s just mean.

And cruel

And I could never be that cruel to anyone I really cared about

I hope it was worth it

Because you are not the person I thought you were

You’re just careless and cruel like the rest of them

Thinking you’re so great but you act with no love but a lot of hate.

Maybe you don’t have empathy

Or you just don’t care

What you do to someone

Who’s barely hanging on

You didn’t have to give be happiness

But you didn’t have to make out worse

You don’t know what you do until it’s done to you.

remember this

some people
you just can’t trust

your words are meaningless
you don’t have a heart

I’m beginning to see
that you deserved
to be treated the way you did
because you’re far worse
and you don’t even see it

you’re not smart
just because you retain information
doesn’t make you a smart man
you hurt people just because you can
and that’s why
I want nothing more to do with you

stupid people
talk a lot about nothing
judge people about things that they do themselves
and feel the need to put other people down

why would anyone want to keep someone like that around?

I’ve seen all I need to see
you are worthless to me
you’re just another asshole
unaware of yourself
and shitty to everyone else

I rid myself of you
your ugly inside
has made you so ugly outside

I hope you see
what a bad person you really are.

just go back to where you came from
you make this world an ugly place
you are a waste
of a person

everything you do
will come back to you
mark my fucking words

and you wonder why
she treated you the way she did
now I KNOW why
cause you’re a BAD HUMAN BEING

AND NOT A TRUE FRIEND

YOU’RE JUST GOOOD AT PLAYING PRETEND

everything you do
is coming back to you

you need to suffer
and feel more pain
or do the world a favor and
just drink yourself to death

I can’t save myself

I’ve been let down
put down
pushed around
I feel so low
Got so much to do
but nothing to show
all alone
I’m drowning here
alone
and there’s nobody near
it’s becoming pretty clear
that I’m not going to make
I’m not going to make
I don’t know how to fake it
no I just don’t know
how to make it
through another day
I just don’t know
what I’m doing anymore

depression has got a hold of me
so much so that I can’t see
any way out
or any reason to be
and I’m getting pretty sick of being me
I’m getting pretty sick of me
I don’t know how to be
me anymore
I just don’t want to be
me
anymore
I don’t wanna be
this
me
anymore.

the more I try
the less you understand
and I’m feeling pushed out
with no place left to stand
it’s hard to feel okay
when I’m all alone
with each passing day
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live
this way anymore

I close my eyes
and wish myself away
close my eyes
and wish it all away
I can’t save myself
not this time
not today
if I could
I would
but I got a head full of bad
and a heart full of sad
weighing me down

I’m sorry
I’m just not strong anymore

kiss off – leaving all the bullshit from the past year behind

tonight i left my old self behind
and this time
i’m not looking back
i’m not going back
if you were a part of the old me
then i left you where you need to be
there’s nothing back there left for me
nothing more i need to see
it’s time for me to be free

and leave all the shitty things to be shitty away from me

i only care that you make it through
but i am not here for you now
you are only thinking about you
you will just find somebody new
to use
to replace
the face
and fill the space
so you don’t feel alone
every time you get left behind

you only care about yourself
and about being right

i don’t care to fight
for your care
when you are
so unaware
of how hurtful you can be

i can’t make a blind man see
you can be however you want to be
without me

and i know i’ll be happier without you.

–