hurt – skin loves fever

let go

don’t fall to pieces
life still goes on
life’s colors haven’t faded
even if life gets you down
try not to let it make you jaded
just remember
you can’t hold on so tight
it’s not your fight tot fight
for what does not belong to you
it’s not that black and white
the layers
the players
constantly change
and rearrange
people come
people go
some people you never really know
someday we all will die
now is not the time to wonder why
say goodbye
don’t hold on
everything you love
some day will be gone

3:45 am Friday morning

Light another cigarette

Haven’t eaten in days

But I’m about to change my ways

Cause it ain’t no thing

This world is about to bring

Something true

Goodbye to everything cruel

I’m not yours

I am not yours

I belong to me

What you failed to see

Was the real me

And I’m not yours

Sitting on my bed

With better thoughts in my head

Everything you said

Was a lie

Just enough to get by

So Bye bye

It’s not even about you.

Cause everything about you i thought I knew

Was untrue

Just like you were unkind

I’m replacing you in my heart and in mind

With good people

It’s almost 4 am

I got home from work

And then

Something made me see

Something made me be

Okay

Better than OK

I’m happy you decided to go away

Because that’s who you are

And at least now you’re far

From me

So I can be

With someone who deserves

My love

That will never give up

Cause I’m strong

I might be wrong

Sometimes

But I’m right about this

What’s there to miss?

When it was all fake

Someday many years from now

you’ll think of me

And your heart will break

And there will be nothing you can do

Because you akready did what you did

And I’ve rid myself of you

I’m living my life

Tonight people were kind

Made me smile

Helped me find

My way out

Of the mess you left behind

I have more important things to do

Than to be sad and waste my time

Being hurt by someone like you

You don’t know how to love

And I hope you learn

So you can be happy

And In turn

Give love

When things aren’t as easy as you want it to be

Superficial “love”

Just isn’t for me

Goodbye to you

Someone I never really knew

And now don’t care to ever know

Um happy to see you go

Run run run

I am officially done

the side people never show
even when you think you do
you never really know
someone
paintbrushes washed
in my clean and empty room
I feel sick
I feel stuck
I feel buried
inside my own tomb
I don’t know what to do
I’ll just pretend I’m okay
as each and every grueling day
slowly goes by
why?
why ?
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live.
I have nothing more
I want or have to give
just put me out of my misery
please
I don’t even want him back
after this
I just don’t want to feel
and I don’t want to miss
the little things
that made me so happy
like never before
but I don’t love anyone
who so easily walks out the door
without warning
without saying anything
that matters
after everything you said to me
that I thought mattered
like I thought you mattered
just put me out of my misery
I don’t care about love
I don’t care about having you
I don’t care that we are through
I don’t want to die
but I don’t want to live
I have nothing more
left to give
just put my out of my misery
do you hear me?
please.
put me out of my misery.

I don’t know how I feel

a box full of lies
memories of something wonderful
that didn’t really mean a thing
ice cold
people get old
I’m not okay
but what can you do
I wouldn’t want someone like you
if I knew everything could turn
with the flip of a switch
which
I should have done
to you
you don’t need care
you don’t need love
you need to learn
how to treat people
and you need to learn
how to work things through
not just to run away.
some day it will be you
and i hope it makes you a better person
I don’t care
you can stay
the way
you are
far from my love
that I wasted
on someone who just doesn’t really care
I need to be more aware
of people who say I love you
too much
to make up for
the little love they have

I’m glad it’s over
at least I know who you are now
instead of finding out years from now
you’re not a bad person
you just don’t know how to love
and follow through
and work through
the times when things get rough
you’re not tough
but neither am I
so all I can do is sit here
alone and allow myself to cry
over what I thought was real
and hopefully soon
I won’t feel
anything at all for you anymore

2022

You want to leave me
and i can’t argue
i can’t give you anything
that will make you feel
like you should stay
if you’ve already made you way
Out the door
like I’ve seen
many times before
you ever existed in my life
all i can do is cry
as the greatest part of me
continues to die
the end is near
i say words
that have no sound
that you will never hear
the fear
of losing
again
wins.

mother

I wish you could know
how my heart feels
I can’t tell you how to be
you only see what you want to see
and you don’t see me
I can’t tell you how I feel
you never cared to listen
you don’t want to hear
you don’t feel me
I came from you
but you were already a million miles away
I have no connection to you
I have no connection to the man who helped you make me too
you never wanted me
I always wanted and needed you
but I know now
you are no mother to me
so now I’ve got to set you free
…

goodbye

Somebody that I used to know

Quitters always believe the lies they tell themselves because delusion is easier to live with than the reality that they settled for an easier path.

-Shannon L. Alder

Evil loves to subvert all blame onto the innocent.

-E.A. Bucchianeri, Vocation of a Gadfly (Gadfly Saga, #2)

In the narcissist’s world being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language. It is meaningless or even repellent. One might recite the most delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still remain utterly meaningless to a non-speaker of Japanese. This does not diminish the value of the haiku or of the Japanese language, needless to say. But it means nothing to the non-speaker.
Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so offhandedly and naturally, as an afterthought…
They are aware of what they are doing to others – but they do not care.

-Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

No other being is lesser human than the one who thinks of others as such.

-Abhijit Naskar, Human Making is Our Mission: A Treatise on Parenting (Humanism Series)

In the eyes of a Narcissist, they are perfect and never make mistakes. It’s always your fault.

-Tracy Malone

Once you are no longer a source of supply a narcissist will discard you cruelly with horrifically unimaginable devastation. This is when they show the ‘no empathy’ part. They do not care about you and learning that puts victims into a tailspin of confusion and depression.

-Tracy Malone

The emotionally cold or distant trait also rears its head during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just checks out and does not respond—or does so in a cold and clipped manner. At such times you may find yourself spinning—and actually feeling as though you are “going crazy”—because the coldness of the response makes it even more difficult to regulate yourself in that moment. The emotional coldness can be confusing for you and may result in attempts to jump through hoops to generate warmth and connection with your partner. I have observed people wearing themselves out over decades, trying to create a fire where there was no possibility.

-Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist

It might look like your enemies are winning, but be ready God is about to flip the script.

-Shannon L. Alder, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible

One of the easiest ways to discover if someone is compatible with you is to gauge their emotional intelligence. Are they a kind and sensitive person? Will they be respectful towards your sensitivities? Or, are they emotionally stunted? Remember, we tend to attract narcissistic types who lack empathy.

-Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

A narcissist, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of an empath. Emotionally, narcissists are like brick walls who see and hear others but fail to understand or relate to them. As a result of their emotional shallowness, narcissists are essentially devoid of all empathy or compassion for other people. Lacking empathy, a narcissist is a very destructive and dangerous person to be around.

-Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing