skin loves fever

10:50 am woke up went back to bed

1:01 pm got out of bed.

Today I’m focusing on accepting what is without thinking about it too much.

2:13 pm went to lunch with friends. It felt weird and a bit uncomfortable to leave the house and face the world. Even if the world has no clue what I’m going through or how I feel – it still feels like they do.

Smiling helps I guess…

3:00 pm played drums for a bit. Felt good. Had someone check out my Martin guitar and sent it in to be fixed finally. Actually felt good for a bit.

Around 4 ish My phone did something weird. Wish it didn’t cause all it did was remind me of the thing I’m struggling with but need to leave behind.

4:13 pm sitting alone in my room. People are downstairs and I’m sitting alone in my room figuring out what I’m going to do.

7:51 pm did yoga. Don’t know how much better that made me feel. I feel like everything I do is taken wrong. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard. I’m forgetful like my short term memory is really bad because I have so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off without tuning out. I don’t know. Today was ok. I can’t complain. I just don’t feel well.

8:08 pm. Was going to go out but forgot that I had promised a friend I would do something and my friend was really disappointed in me for flaking again. So I canceled my plans of going out to spend time with my friend.

I feel like I’m not living my life for me anymore. This makes me really sad.

I also feel like all I do is disappoint people. Maybe I care too much about how I make others feel. Do they care about how they make me feel? I don’t know. Cause right now I’m not feeling very good at all.

9:24 pm keeping busy with shit I need to do but not really feeling it right now. I’m not excited about things like I used to be. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I think I’m going to force myself to paint just to get out whatever crap is inside of me and maybe paint through it. I feel very unmotivated right now and extremely lonely. Why? I don’t know…

I wish I didn’t feel this way…

No one knows

That I’m at the end

Of my rope

That I’m down

And can no longer cope

That I’m all out of spirit

All out of love

All out of hope.

Everyone thinks I’m fine

And the one person I’ve shared my feelings with

Just calls me crazy and acts like an enemy

I guess that’s who he is

Does it matter?

I guess not to him

All he had to do was show up

And show me something more than the same thing that never works

That’s not too much to ask

But for him

It’s such a difficult task

And I’m at a low

Already

A low I do not show

But it’s there

And his lack of care and love and being there

Does nothing more but feed

The need

To

Go back home.

My real home

Where he will never see my face again

I’m sorry to the ones I love

Who show me love

But I don’t burden them with all the things that have plagued my mind and heart from the start

To make things end this way

It will just be another day

Like all the rest

Don’t worry

I’ll be just fine

Just not here

But it’s not you

It’s me

That I can’t fix

Sorry for wasting your time

my mind is hijacked

by a devil wanna be

he

wants me down

in the hole

he’s spent his whole life in

talks about justice and sin

no one ever wins

a race

laced

with confusion

and complicated jabber

smoke screen face

and a mouth full of blabber

diabolical and habitual

is his gaslight

take flight

ritutual.

i feel so down and damaged and used

and abused

and so far away from who i used to be

he tells me i don’t know myself

and he’s right cause this ain’t me
this ain’t who i used to be
before he came into my life

and now….

i am… trying to feel what is actually real again

the devil’s trick
is to
to inflict
trouble
and to cause pain
by inconsistent acts
that stir
then cure
and blur
out the mess
they infest
with such charm
one doesn’t see the harm
they’re in
until it’s much too late.

elevated
inflated
isolated
dissipated
enervated
operated
terminated
discombobulated

this sucks

and i want to die

there comes a point

when there is no point

to any of this anymore

all it does is show me

you are no good

you don’t know how cruel you can be

you don’t know or care what you do and have done to me

i give up

i’m tired

i’m sick

of the cruel hearted

like you

the departed

but still alive enough to

spread your ugly evil around

close minded

not listening

to any truth (your truth is faulty cause of the holes in your brain)

but talking and fighting over lies

i guess you don’t realize

what you have done to my heart

to my soul

to by will

and that’s enough

for me to kill

myself

like you killed my soul

and abused my heart

that’s enough to make me

it’s time for me to part

i leave this world

for you because of you

you love to destroy everything in your path

with every ugly mean word you say

with all of your wrath

you are a cruel cruel fool

you can forget about me now

you can forget

and let yourself believe

everything was me

and i’m the one to blame

it’s such a shame

that’s the only game you know how to play

instead of doing things a better way

it’s past that point

where i want to try

don’t ask me why

when you know

it’s you that pushed me

just to see if you could

i’ve been searching for a way

to get through this low

to get out of the negative

you make people feel

want to talk about something that is real

you won’t get another chance

cause i’m not living this another day through

you can’t even see how much hurt you do

when all i ever did was love you

but the more i loved you and the more i tried

the less you did

until a part of me died

now it will be all of me

you will never have to see me again

the last words you ever said to me

were fuck you

i hate you

well

now you know why i hate me too

it’s done. it’s over. i’m not here anymore. you lose.
any place will be better than living with a hateful destructive person like you.
i hope someone makes you feel exactly how you made me feel and it makes you have the balls to actually kill yourself too.

but i won’t be on the other side waiting for someone like you

ever again

thank you booze and thank you for all the pills in the world

so i can go to sleep and never wake up again.

Automatic trigger

The Verbal gun

The velvet tongue

The nagging voice

Is like a Cancer

To my brain

Overall I’ve gotten better

But I’m still mostly the same

Don’t react

Don’t begin

To lose control

Don’t get caught up in

Your drunkard spin

I’d rather watch you drink

And sick yourself

Into

Oblivion

than

To sit and watch you stay

oblivious

You can’t beat

The army of people you mistreat

And expect them to have your back

The next time you attack

Someone new

Get a clue

You biggest enemy is you

You…

….

….

., ,,

¿

•

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.

Seen a man standin’ over a dead dog lyin’ by the highway in a ditch
He’s lookin’ down kinda puzzled pokin’ that dog with a stick
Got his car door flung open he’s standin’ out on Highway 31
Like if he stood there long enough that dog’d get up and run
It struck me kinda funny, seemed kinda funny sir to me
Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Now Mary Lou loved Johnny with a love mean and true
She said “Baby I’ll work for you every day, bring my money home to you”
One day he up and left her and ever since that
She waits down at the end of that dirt road for young Johnny to come back
Struck me kinda funny, funny yeah to me
How at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Take a baby to the river, Kyle William they called him
Wash the baby in the water, take away little Kyle’s sin
In a whitewash shotgun shack an old man passes away
Take his body to the graveyard, over him they pray
Lord won’t you tell us, tell us what does it mean
At the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

Congregation gathers down by the riverside
Preacher stands with a Bible, groom stands waitin’ for his bride
Congregation gone and the sun sets behind a weepin’ willow tree
Groom stands alone and watches the river rush on so effortlessly
Wonderin’ where can his baby be
Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe