hurt becomes normal no one notices you can feel yourself start to fade away no grace stuck in a place you can’t escape loose words lose meaning hurt becomes normal you can’t kill what is already dead and he can’t take back what he fails to see and all the ugly deeds and hurtful words he said just like grandpa who confused your little head with words that don’t match actions when the line becomes too blurred knowing wrong but told it’s right being sold as gold until one day you’re old and filled with fright no one to trust no one who understands your everlasting struggle no one understands your daily fight silenced into solitude made to feel stupid grayed out until you’ve so pushed down with only vampires and clowns all around you lose yourself and don’t want to be found it’s not worth it nothing is worth it and you used to have light you used to have light….
In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.
Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations
As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.
A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect
My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.
The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family
One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.
The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle
As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.
Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness
While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.
Reaching Out to Others
The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.
Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery
As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.
In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.
Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead
As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.
The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.
So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.
The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.
In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.
Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.
Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.
I was in love. he loved me but some people hate to see people happy I didn’t realize how low people would go just to drag me down in the hole they’re in
it’s been almost a year I found out he saw something in my bag that wasn’t mine he left my “friend” told me ‘oh he’s to0 boring for you’ but I didn’t understand how one week we could be planning our future to the next week he takes off leaves states over nothing not anything that could not be worked out but now I know my “friend” was never my friend she hated that I was happy she talked shit about me behind my back moved stuffed I owned around planted things in my house because she wanted everyone to believe that I was something worse than she. and it worked and I lost I never had much but she made me lose a lot of what really mattered and now I lost something even more myself the light the belief in people being good
the love in my heart the trust I had
all because of some miserable bitch trying to pretend to be my friend to my face but do witchery manipulative mind fuck shit behind my back because she is nobody SHE IS NOTHING SHE IS UGLY INSIDE AND OUT AND EVERYONE WHO GETS CLOSE TO HER KNOWS IT HENCE WHY SHE HAS
NO FRIENDS
but you caused me to lose things I loved so much who loved me and you lie \ you cheat you steal and you’re so good at playing the part that people think you’re real well people who don’t know you because everyone who gets to know you sees through your BULLSHIT WHICH IS EVERYTHING YOU ARE AND THEY D0N’T LIKE YOU AT ALL
AT ALL
YOU ARE NOTHING
YOU DON’T BRING ANY GOOD TO THIS WORLD
AND THAT’S NOT ME BEING MEAN that’s the truth
all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved and YOU FUCKED WITH MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE SO PATHETIC DUMB AND MISERABLE.
AND I TRUSTED YOU.
IT’S FUNNY HOW YOU MADE PEOPLE BELIEVE I WAS SOMEBODY DOING THINS THAT YOU DO I COULD NOT WOULD NOT EVER WILL NEVER BE AS SHITTY OF A PERSON AS YOU.
your ego needs to do you a favor and step aside so you can see how shitty of a person you are and maybe then you’ll do this world a favor whatever comes to your mind first but you do not make this world a better place
YOU’RE THE UGLIEST CRUELEST PERSON
THAT I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND
YO MADE ME LOSE THINGS THAT I REALLY TRUELY APPRECIATED AND LOVED
ALL FOR YOUR MISERY TO HAVE COMPANY:?
FUCK YOU BITCH
I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT TO ALL COME BACK TO YOU BECAUSE WHEN YOU FUCK WITH PEOPLE THE WAY YOU DO (AND YOU’VE DONE SO MANY TIMES -YOU THINK PEOPLE DON’T TALK HA) IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU
AND I WILL SIT THERE AND WATCH AND LAUGH AND HOPE NOTHING LIKE YOU GETS CREATED EVER AGAIN
BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING
YOU DO NOTHING IN THIS WORLD NOTHING
YO’RE NOBODY
YOU’RE SHIT
NO AMOUNT OF PLASTIC SURGERY COULD FIX A FUCKED UP FACE AND AN UGLY SOUL AND HEART LIKE YOURS
YOU DUMB STUPID BITCH. YUU REALLY ARE THE UGLIEST MOST SHALLOW MOST SELFISH FUCKED UP PERSON I HAVE EVER MET DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND GO THE FUCK AWAY SO NO ONE HAS TO DEAL WITH SUCH A SHITTY FUCKING PERSON LIKE YOU
AND THE REAL MESSED UP PART IS YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKIGN SMART AND GREAT
BUT YOU AREN’T AND YOU WILL NEVER BE AND YOU’RE OLD AND UGLY BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU ARE TO GOOD PEOP;LE FUCK YOU BITCH
I’m beginning to see that you deserved to be treated the way you did because you’re far worse and you don’t even see it
you’re not smart just because you retain information doesn’t make you a smart man you hurt people just because you can and that’s why I want nothing more to do with you
stupid people talk a lot about nothing judge people about things that they do themselves and feel the need to put other people down
why would anyone want to keep someone like that around?
I’ve seen all I need to see you are worthless to me you’re just another asshole unaware of yourself and shitty to everyone else
I rid myself of you your ugly inside has made you so ugly outside
I hope you see what a bad person you really are.
just go back to where you came from you make this world an ugly place you are a waste of a person
everything you do will come back to you mark my fucking words
and you wonder why she treated you the way she did now I KNOW why cause you’re a BAD HUMAN BEING
AND NOT A TRUE FRIEND
YOU’RE JUST GOOOD AT PLAYING PRETEND
everything you do is coming back to you
you need to suffer and feel more pain or do the world a favor and just drink yourself to death
I’ve been let down put down pushed around I feel so low Got so much to do but nothing to show all alone I’m drowning here alone and there’s nobody near it’s becoming pretty clear that I’m not going to make I’m not going to make I don’t know how to fake it no I just don’t know how to make it through another day I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore
depression has got a hold of me so much so that I can’t see any way out or any reason to be and I’m getting pretty sick of being me I’m getting pretty sick of me I don’t know how to be me anymore I just don’t want to be me anymore I don’t wanna be this me anymore.
the more I try the less you understand and I’m feeling pushed out with no place left to stand it’s hard to feel okay when I’m all alone with each passing day I can’t live through this anymore I can’t live through this anymore I can’t live this way anymore
I close my eyes and wish myself away close my eyes and wish it all away I can’t save myself not this time not today if I could I would but I got a head full of bad and a heart full of sad weighing me down
tonight i left my old self behind and this time i’m not looking back i’m not going back if you were a part of the old me then i left you where you need to be there’s nothing back there left for me nothing more i need to see it’s time for me to be free
and leave all the shitty things to be shitty away from me
i only care that you make it through but i am not here for you now you are only thinking about you you will just find somebody new to use to replace the face and fill the space so you don’t feel alone every time you get left behind
you only care about yourself and about being right
i don’t care to fight for your care when you are so unaware of how hurtful you can be
i can’t make a blind man see you can be however you want to be without me
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