Author: b-side junkie

You were just like all the rest

Not from LA

You don’t like being rejected

But you do it to someone who actually has a good heart

And that is fine with me

Maybe you enjoy the rejection

Even when they reject you and then want you back (after the other guy didn’t work out )

And you want kids

They said they didn’t

Until you let them go

Bevause they didn’t want you.

And when they wanted you back it was becsuse whatever new person they wanted to explore didn’t work out and they can’t be alone

So they knew you would take them back

And I bet you did

Bevause it is a game

And you like being played

Like a fool

That’s not love

That’s manipulation

And so you get what you give

By people who are the same as you.

I would rather be alone

Than to be with shitty people

That tell you who they want you to think they are

But are actually the complete opposite

I just believed you

But I should have known.

You can’t out here

Chasing a dream and

Most of those people

Aren’t decent people

The love you want

And the things you expect from others

You can’t even do yourself

At least I know now

Before I had your babies.

Most people who move to this town

Trying to be someone or something

Make my town a shittier place.

And I really wish they would stop.

Do that in your own town.

Where you’re nobody

Just like you make people here feel

That’s actually you

youtube.com/shorts/C6_D7e-zdZE

I know what I need to work on.

I’m not a bad person

I don’t attack people and get super mean and defensive every time they express how they feel to me – just because I don’t want to look at how messed up of a person I’ve been

I know what I need to work on

But if I’m surrounded by someone who gaslights me every time I say something they don’t like or don’t want to hear

Then the problem isn’t me

youtube.com/shorts/QNSMondKoEs

My friend asked me why I would want him

And I said, “Want? No. No. No. Wanted… past tense. I’ve remembered who I am and who I am doesn’t want any of him.”

Sometimes us girls can get stupid and tripped up in a moment over someone that when given a little space – we are able to see the situation more clearly.

And I saw the situation and who he really is

I don’t know what I was thinking.

Or what I saw in him that was even good for me.

My friend said to me “I know you. You’re passionate, kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, a little feisty at times- but at least I know how you feel instead of having to guess if something’s wrong- you’re intuitive, smart, creative, funny and loyal As fuck. You are an artist. You made choices that were good for you and You never needed to be with someone to feel complete. If you wanted to be with someone you could. If you wanted to get married you would have. There are many amazing guys you could be with right now if you wanted to but you don’t. You enjoy your space. I’m surprised you even went out with someone who acts like you should be grateful for the crumbs he throws you.”

I thanked her. She was right. I can’t believe it either

A woman like me is only good to a man who is willing to give back.

Who treats her with respect

And he didn’t

So I stopped being respectful back

He set the guidelines by his actions

I lost respect for him

And treated him the way he treated me

Now I feel nothing for him except a yuck that i won’t have in my life again

Besides i see how he treats people that actually want him

LIKE SHIT

Why would I desire any part of it?

But I think he wants someone who doesn’t want him or someone who just leaves him for someone else.

So that us what he will have.

That’s what he deserves.

I don’t care

That’s what he deserves.

This will be my last post about him. It’s made me feel better to write it out but I usually only write about the things I care about and he is not one of them. Goodbye

I’m sorry

I saw your effort.

I care about your feelings

I wasn’t trying to hurt you.

I want you to feel safe.

I just want to feel safe too.

he learned
you can love someone
and still be
completely
alone.

even when they’re breathing
in your bed,
in your ear,
in your mouth.

she learned
you can fuck a man
and still
never get close enough
to touch the part of him
that matters.

she waited.
not for roses.
not for some grand confession.
just the small things.
a call that meant something.
an answer that wasn’t
a dead end.
a moment where she didn’t have to
wonder
where she stood.

but she was always
on the outside.
looking in
at a world
he wouldn’t share.

and still—
she stayed.

because he carried damage
like a religion.
and she thought
if she loved him hard enough,
loud enough,
real enough,
he might finally
feel clean.

but some people
don’t want to be touched
where it hurts.
they just want you close enough
to prove
they’re still bleeding.

he was still chasing ghosts.
not running after the one who left him,
but running
from the bruises left behind.
and somehow,
she became the place
he went
to feel less hollow.
not whole.
just less.

and when you love someone
who only wants a place
to rest their grief,
you become
the silence
they never apologize for.

and she?
she gave too much
too long
too softly—
until she forgot
how to ask
for anything at all.

but one day
the quiet
got too loud.
the hunger
too sharp.

and she walked.

no big scene.
no screaming match.
just absence—
clean and cold.
like winter
after a fire.

and he—
he’ll think of her
in moments
he won’t admit.
when it’s dark.
when it’s late.
when the phone doesn’t ring.

not because she was perfect.
not because she begged.

but because
she was real—
and he
wasn’t ready
for that
now there’s a quiet
he can’t name
that follows him everywhere.

---

And like that

All that ugly shit

Didn’t matter anymore.

That people will put up with betrayal and the worst crap

But not deal with a person who is angry because you hurt them

oh, I’m sorry about your fragile fucking feelings. I forgot I can’t tell you how I feel because you’re all about you. I forgot it’s your world. I just live not even in it but next to it.

Dumb.

Yes I am dumb for putting up with this crap

No one has ever made me feel so lame

All because I cared

Well you killed that now

Nothing feels as good as not wanting someone who can’t see what they do to make people go away.

I was only angry when I cared

Now I see that you are not good to me

And with that

I don’t.

You made it easier and easier to leave you alone

Forever.

I deserve better than someone who makes excuses for everything and I’m Supposed to understand, but when I say anything of a high feel, you just fucking blow up so fuck it no one that don’t want that. You’re not a good person.

If you cared you would show it

Who we are inside matters

And you hurt me because you have done things that have made me not trust.

I’m always in the dark

And you ignore me like I deserved it even before all of this

I wanted to give you all of me

But you can’t even be a better person and be different

No one else likes to make me feel so alone and in the dark

So it doesn’t matter

You are condescending and cruel

And I’ve been through too much to be mad at you. You just don’t care and you never will

So why did I?

I’ve been going through a lot

But you don’t even care

You’re so selfish

Now I really don’t care about anything you do because you’re not caring abs kind. And you’ll never see how selfish HOW REALLY SELFISH YOU ARE.

I’m kind but when I’m not there a reason.

Maybe people just get fed up with you because of how selfish you are.

YOU’RE SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL

THAT IT KILLS ME

HOW UGLY YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY FEELINGS.

Never again

You never appreciated me anyways