Uncategorized – Page 28 – skin loves fever

I don’t want you. I don’t need you.

I don’t need you.

I lost myself for a bit cause I loved you

But you do everything that goes against what makes a healthier relationship and things that go against my standards

-you don’t communicate in a way that is clear and constructive

-you get angry at everything you don’t like for reasons I don’t understand

when you get angry you put me down, call me names like stupid and crazy

-you ignore me and turn everything around even your bad behavior so that it’s my fault. You make me expressing my feelings like I’m wrong for having them or I’m wrong for expressing them. Even even I’m calm and just ask a question you blow up and disrespect me on a level that is unacceptable

-you don’t show you care. You don’t think of me or want to spend money on me like gifts or things like that. I always offer to /pay for things cause I want to. I buy you gifts and things that I think you’ll enjoy cause I want to. I never make you feel bad for all the money I’ve spent on you cause I like doing those things for someone I love. when you do spend some money on me you always have to bring it up and complain about how much money you spent on this or that and that’s not the kind of man I want. Cheap men or men who don’t value my worth or do nice things just because are not worthy men.

you make up stories or beliefs about me that aren’t true and treat me badly cause of these fictional beliefs. You think I’m always trying to be with someone else cause I’m friendly and I’m a bartender. I have both male and female friends you are allowed to meet and be a part of. You keep all your female friends hidden when I’m around yet when I’m not around they are.You’re trying to make me insecure cause you are and I deserve better

-you don’t try. You can never admit when you’re in the wrong and you don’t try to change. You think the way you are is fine and in a relationship it’s not.

i was always the one to fight for our relationship cause you give up any time there’s a little disagreement. And you bring up the past when something reminds you of it yet I’m never allowed to bring the past up cause you tell me to get over it. You’re not fair. You don’t behave in way that makes me feel taken care of and loved. You’re secretive. You can never talk without it being a fight and you don’t allow me to express myself when you’ve done something that is not okay without getting defensive and without bringing up false accusations or things about me just to deflect your wrong doingings.
you don’t appreciate me fully at all
you tell me how you can have other women

Then go ahead cause I can have a much better quality of man than you.

I don’t need your mind games, abusive behavior and toxicity in my life.

I was so focused on you that it made me forget what my standards are and you’re not meeting them at all.

you ignore me when you don’t like something I do even when it’s you who started it.

-you act stupid and I don’t want to be a stupid person. That’s what you tell me but in actuality that’s what I should be telling you. But i wouldn’t say it in such a mean way

you create a hot and cold inconsistent environment and feel that is unneeded and that I do not want in my life.

-you’ve lost me cause of your lack of self awareness and true awareness , your lack of empathy, your lack of respect and care, and because of your lack of change.

You can’t expect me to change everything while you can just continue to act the same way that i find unacceptable and do not want in a partner.

You’re a different person every day. I don’t know who I’m going to get.

You are a man of low worth because you don’t strive to be better towards people who genuinely love you. You just don’t care. Your past relationships make you bitter and make you give less to our relationship that is now no more.

You don’t deserve me.

You deserve someone like you. Someone who gets angry doesn’t care puts you down ignores you never thinks about you never reaches out. Plays games and makes you feel insecure.

I no longer want to be in a relationship with you because you are not ready and you are not willing to see what you do.

I will no longer be just an option to you while I made you a priority.

You lost me cause I realized what the fuck have I been going getting so upset and feeling bad over someone who’s in the wrong 89% of the time but can’t take accountability for it. You blame me for your bad behavior and it’s not me. My mistake was allowing you to get away with it and allowing you to take away my self worth. I realize my worth and I can do SO much better than you.

When a man really values a woman and their relationship he’ll make efforts instead of making excuses or playing games.

You are not that man.

You offer me nothing that I want or need in my life.

Your crumbs of love were not enough and will never be good enough for someone to actually want it unless they are as insecure as you.

I’m glad I realized this today. I was being stupid for giving so much to someone who gave very little and really didn’t want to give at all.

I’m going to do my own thing and heal and then move on to the things that make me feel good and that work with me. People that show me and act in ways that show me that they want me around and value me.

This is the most happy I’ve felt in a long time.

😉

happiness is a warm …

happiness is

blanket.

you thought I was going to write gun huh?

yeah me last year (hell last month) probably would have

but I know who I am

and sometimes all I need is to

lay down

breathe

and a warm blanket to comfort me

or just to feel comfortable.

a blanket won’t cause me a heart attack

a blanket doesn’t scream at me and call me names and then abandon me after it’s used me as a punching bag for shit that isn’t even in the right now

a blanket makes me feel safer than he’s ever made anyone feel

happiness really is a warm blanket

and when that doesn’t work

a warm gun

-kc

https://granitegrok.com/blog/2013/04/cartoon-the-better-security-blanket

photo credit from this website

Look at how you are clearly

If you saw yourself

Through your eyes looking at someone else

You would hate you.

I am lonely

But you can free me

All in the way that you smile..,

:/

I had you

And now I don’t

What did I do that made you stop loving me ?

God this is the hardest most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever felt

To be less than what I used to be to you

Makes me feel less than

Nice to see your face

Still heartbreaking all the same

I guess I now know

I have to let you go

Csuse you let me go

A long time ago

But it was nice to see your face

I’ll miss

So very much

You

The only one I would ever marry is you.

It’s always been

and

always will be

you.

Some things

I get over easily

Some take time

Very few things

I’ll never get over

And you are one of those few things.

Makes life unbeatable

And the less I enjoy

What good is it

If this feeling won’t go away?

What good am I

When this makes me unhappy every day?

It’s not and I’m not

I can’t do this anymore

Without you

Without your love

I just don’t feel like doing this

Anymore

Three years ago in August

If there was one time

I wish I could go back to

It would be

When I first met you

I would be a little more careful

To not make you feel any doubt

I would let you in

So you would know what I was really about

I would be myself

And wouldn’t act so cool

And hopefully you would see

So you could still appreciate me

Now

And love me now

Like you used to

If there is one thing I want more than anything in the world

It’s to relive that time again

Cause the fact that you don’t love anymore

And can live your life without me and be perfectly okay

While I could never feel that way

you discarded me

like what we had meant nothing to you at all

You never write

You never call

If you could know how I feel

You would know it’s real

Cause I’m heartbroken

And sad

I would do anything to go back

To 3 years ago

To the beginning

I would do anything to have your love again.

It doesn’t get easier

It only

Gets older

And colder

The more time passes by

I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you

Yet you have so quickly forgotten me

Maybe when I’m finally gone

You’ll think of me and miss my love

Knowing then

Only When

It becomes something you will never be able to get back

My days are numbered.

My heart is so broke down

And sad

I’ll never be the same again

ice wild

she was ice wild
cool
sharp
with the eyes of a child

images of a starry night
and the negatives of a hazy day
you can recall
the feel of it all
the buzz and fuzz
blurred out
in a dream like sorta way

take a drink
of her pink lemonade
blackness
and hide wide under her moon shine shade
get your fix on the mix
of hypnotic distractions
as you enjoy her soft parade

she was ice wild
cool and
sharp
but still just a child

-kc

Love doesn’t have to be the way you make it out to be

When I fell in love with you

I had an open mind and an open heart

My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.

You treated me nice and kind and we had fun

Over time you let insecurities take over

And became angry and mean.

You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.

You took me for three kind of woman I was not.

I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.

I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.

What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.

I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.

You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.

It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.

I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed

I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.

That’s what love is to you

That’s not love to me

If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been

I wouldn’t lie and cheat

Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.

Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?

That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you

You pushed me away.

You did this.

Not me.

I did everything I could to show you

Love

You did everything you could to push me away

And this last time

You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.

For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.

I started to believe that everyone was like you

I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless

For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.

It’s Funny how life is sometimes.

On my lowest night

I met someone

And didn’t think much of it at the time

But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.

It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.

I loved you

But you didn’t love me.

And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.

If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.

You wouldn’t have let me go

But I’m kinda glad you did now

Cause now I know

What love really is.