I wish I could forget
Eject you from my brain
And heart
Erase my memory of you
Until you become somebody new
Or better yet you won’t become anything at all
It’s not fair that you can forget me
And I cannot ever forget you
You stand there
Like a lost child
Like someone so out of place
Uncomfortable
unwanted
Uneven
You begin to see that YOU ARE THE JOKE
and it makes your lips tremble
As the lump in your throat
Begins to choke
The tears out
Of your eyes
Paper plates
And landscapes
Rain drops too
And morning dew
All of the things
that remind me of you
Won’t leave me alone
Won’t go away
But I can’t keep you
If you don’t want to stay
the dead and I
Won’t go our separate ways
But you do
it’s easy too
Nothing ever sticks to you
You just move along
Without a care
One day here
Next day there
Somewhere
(nowhere?)
Someplace else
With someone else
You’ll never know
How it feels
to watch you go
You’ll never know
How it feels
To feel this low
Hoping this time
will be
The last time
Closed ears
Closed eyes
Closed heart
What a perfect start
To a new year
This isn’t my fault
I didn’t start this mess
But I’m the one who feels the stress
And disrespect
From you
If I only knew
But I did
I just didn’t listen to myself
When I should have
But
I listened to you
When I knew
This would happen again
And I’m not happy
You made me happy before
And now you just do everything that works against me
And I’m feeling pretty low
I can’t embrace
Your face
When it’s two
Instead of one
So there’s a reason I act the way I do
If you only knew
How it feels
You wouldn’t do half the things you do
But you do because you don’t
To make someone happy
You listen
You love
You care
To do things for someone
Or you don’t
And things fall apart
I’m falling apart
And I don’t like it
But I can’t get through to you
And I never will
Why?
If God exists then why would he/she want us to suffer?
It makes no sense
It’s cruel
And unfair
And I hate this so called God
Or whoever
Whatever
Is in charge
Of taking
Away
The things ( that aren’t just things)
I love
If there is a God…
Why would you do this?
You have completely destroyed my heart.
When I fell in love with you
I had an open mind and an open heart
My smile was for you because you did things that made me happy.
You treated me nice and kind and we had fun
Over time you let insecurities take over
And became angry and mean.
You made me work so hard for your love you love gave me freely.
You took me for three kind of woman I was not.
I ended up paying for the sins of the women before me and I started to hate myself cause I didn’t know what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad to you.
I kept trying and changing and improving myself to be more understanding and considerate of your feelings only to have you be less understanding and considerate if mine.
What’s even worse is any time we would fight you would just ignore me like I never mattered. Yet the reason we would fight was because you didn’t want to hear my feelings if you didn’t understand them you would automatically just tune me out or call me stupid cause you didn’t want to deal with anything that I felt that ioi didn’t feel. You only wanted me to deal with your feelings when you felt them. Plus most of the time you’d be drinking something. Even if you didn’t drink for a few days – the long term use of alcohol made you become something else and that someone was very mean and abusive and paranoid.
I had beautiful feelings for you until you treated me the way you would treat someone who fucked you over which I never did. You made me become ( in your head) just the same as someone from your past until I finally lost it.
You wanted me to be the Whore you could blame for all your problems. You would rather see a lie that feels confortable and familiar than to see me for who i really was to you. Someone who loved you and cared enough to not want to hurt you.
It was never good enough. Out of all the things I did that were right and loving and good. You would hold onto this one tiny thing I said way back in the beginning that you didn’t like and use that as your reason to treat me the way you did in the end – completely awful.
I would cry myself too sleep so many nights only to wake up to the same thing and not want to leave my bed
I didn’t understand how i could love you so Unconditionally while you had a long list of conditions I had to obey before you even site m me even an ounce of affection. And even if I did everything you said you wanted it didn’t seem to marry you would still get drunk get angry and find some reason to point fingers and leave me again.
That’s what love is to you
That’s not love to me
If I wanted to be with someone else I would have been
I wouldn’t lie and cheat
Why would I have put so much effort until our relationship ( getting barely anything in return) if I didn’t love you.
Why would I constantly go to you and come a running every time you’d call if I just wanted to be with someone else?
That’s dumb that you even use that as a reason to be angry when I would always go home with you
You pushed me away.
You did this.
Not me.
I did everything I could to show you
Love
You did everything you could to push me away
And this last time
You hurt me worse than I ever thought imaginable.
For months after I was the depressed I’ve ever been and you didnt try even just to see if I was okay. I wasn’t.
I started to believe that everyone was like you
I was hopeless trying not to be hopeless
For months you just ignored me and I started to feel like I never existed or mattered to you.
It’s Funny how life is sometimes.
On my lowest night
I met someone
And didn’t think much of it at the time
But after the first night we hung out together I realized that is how it should feel. This is how I should be treated. This is how I want to treat people that are kind and caring and thoughtful to me.
It wasn’t me who did anything wrong with you yeag sure I made some minor mistakes but so did you (and many many major ones) and i didn’t just give up on you and stop loving you. I didn’t just start treating you like someone who didn’t matter the minute I didn’t like something. I communicated and I was honest.
I loved you
But you didn’t love me.
And now that I’m shown respect and love and care without all the unnecessary games abs run arounds and half truths but am still so many lies – i see it even more.
If you wanted me you would have had me. You would have treated me better like people do when they want to keep someone in their life.
You wouldn’t have let me go
But I’m kinda glad you did now
Cause now I know
What love really is. 
I can read between the lines
I can read the language you don’t speak in words
The writing on the wall is very clear
If you wanted to
You would be
Here.
Big man
Little man
Where do you stand
Little boy
I wasn’t made
For you
to be your little toy
When you come down
If you ever really do
Blabber and smoke
Treating everything
Like it’s one big joke
Laugh it up
Laugh out loud
And while you’re at it
Act so proud
Who you trying to fool
Yourself?
Or the crowd?
Maybe both
In the sky above
On the ground below
Who you really are begins to show
And it hurts only cause I let you in
I’m pretty sure lying
Is a Cardinal sin
Where does the false you end
And the real you begin?
I used to make things for the people I loved
Now I rarely do
Nothing inspires me to
These days
I drew silly pictures and
Wrote loving things
On his wall
All the things that were true
Because I wanted to
Only to find it
Painted over
Covered up
Scratched out
Like he did with me
Like he hated to see
Something
I did out of love
Like he hated me
I could never scratch out his name
His notes (he never wrote me)
His time (he rarely gave me)
The gifts (he didn’t make me)
He is not human
Nothing sticks to him
He can take my love
Throw it away
And then begin
Again somewhere else
How can that make me feel good?
To know I was all in
When he was never even close
He’s always been a lifetime away
So far away
It’s not all about me
It’s about you too
You live to destroy anything good that I give you
You never look at yourself.
Must be nice living that way
That’s not advanced
That’s pussy-ass shit
If you looked at your behavior even just half the times you’ve made me look at mine then maybe it would work…
But like I said you create problems that aren’t there
And you like to destroy shit that’s actually good.
So I have no more for you.
No more patience
No more understanding
No more chances
No more tolerance for you period
And no more love
I’m done
And you need to stay the fuck away from me. Period
You want to treat me like a bitch then i will be one.
Good riddance you stupid little man.
Now that you’re gone
I have no one by my side
To help me through
That person was always you
Now i feel the loneliness
Of being truly alone
You were the greatest friend
I have ever known
That this world has ever shown
I’m not alright
I’m not okay
Just take me back
To a better day
You were always there for me
And I’m so grateful for that
And for you
Until we meet again
I love you…
My sweet friend
I will never understand how some people can be so cold.
To turn off
To love conditionally
To have such black and white thinking and feeling
To be cruel
To make up reasons why to hate
To criticize and put down
Yet be blind to everything that’s good
To completely ignore their own behavior
To make another person feel unwanted
Unimportant
Useless
So many people “love” that way
That’s not love.
That’s just selfishness mixed with a bitterness
You teach others through love
You can kill a man with disregard and neglect
And a mean spirit
Some people’s truth is whatever they were conditioned with from the time they were born
All they know is to pass that down to anyone and everyone they touch.
Yet they don’t see it.
Some people love to blame others or something false as a reason to take out their anger and pain on someone
Some people only know how to push the people that care about them away.
If all you know is the negative
If all you’ve seen and experienced is negative
You’re gonna end up looking for the negative in everyone else that comes along
I wish compassion played a higher role in mankind
I wish people thought about the lasting effects of their actions and behavior towards others
I wish people didn’t react to things they make up in their head
We are in this world
Hopefully to help one another
Not to harm someone who truly loves you
And definitely not to harm the ones who love you just because our past experiences and trauma makes you think that it’s okay to do.
It’s sad.
But there will always be people out there who just don’t know why better
And /or just don’t care to be better than what was done to them.
