He was careless with me, and it broke something—but it brought me here. I won’t apologize for the truth. Truth doesn’t hurt. Being treated like nothing does.
His carelessness showed me who he really was, and whatever I felt disappeared. What stayed was the embarrassment of ever wanting him. I mistook his treatment for a reflection of my worth. It wasn’t. It was his. I don’t want someone who treats people that way.
I don’t want him.
But…
If not for him, the night would not have opened to you.
In a world of familiar faces, he stands out—a rare, warm soul whose connection sparks newfound emotions, challenging me to rethink love and discover inner peace amidst chaos.
he’s someone I never imagined would consider
someone like me, a hidden whisper
maybe I’ve been too blinded to perceive
or too settled in cycles, tricked to believe
I’ve had my share of the same old pain
too many players dancing in the rain
yet he stands apart, a mirror, a chance
so alike in spirit, but a different dance
he embodies warmth, unlike all the rest
caring, kind, in ways I’ve never guessed
when we touch, the world fades away
it’s a spark I thought I’d never display
what flows for him is deeper than ink
and his open heart makes me stop and think
the way he shows he cares is a rare release
igniting the best within, where I find my peace.
Back rooms
With the spill of souls
And spirits
You can hear a pin drop
Or the sound of ice shoveled
Into vessels
Transporting spirits
Into souls.
On a night like this
There is no excitment like you
There is no one I wish to share myself to
But you.
You hate me for the wrong reasons
Because I say the things you dare not see (maybe too true or maybe too ugly) within yourself
I love you for saying all the things that i know and do see (As ugly as they are)
within myself
But I don’t look at you as someone I can use
I don’t like at you as something cheap
If you let me
I would keep you safe
I would show you love
But you don’t want that
You would rather misunderstand me
And hate me
Bevause you have been used and discarded
And now that’s how you treat anything that isn’t easy
Or anyone that would deal with you at your worst
As long as you were there to deal with my worst
Which gets easier and falls away the more you give me a reason to trust that you’ll be there when shit goes down
And I’m someone you want on your team when shit goes down
But on a night like this
I watch the many
Some baring souls
Some burying souls
writing for the next spirit to pour
And wishing you were here with me.
playing cello
for hours every day
until my fingers
would blister and bleed
my youthful hands
with such soft fingertips
with every press
against the string
slip slide pluck
rip tear and sting
fuck!
it hurt like hell
if it didn’t produce
such a beautiful sound
I would have smashed my cello
into the ground
but instead
I just played
through the pain
years of abuse
wax and wane
until one day
I didn’t hurt anymore
callused skin
no longer thin
but now rough and tough
worn and torn
broke down
raw
so I turned it around
and it was war!
Cause I’ve been through this shit
too many times before
to just run away
and stay
full of fear
I can play music
but I can’t play
like I’m okay
when I’m not
so…I faced life and said
“give me what you got”
be careful what you ask for
or demand
cause life sometimes
has got the upper hand
but after years of low
after I’ve taken every blow
another cut with your knife
another sucker punch you throw
only goes to show
that I’m still here
and
just so you know
if you want me to fight
then you want me to win
so I’ll roll up my sleeves
once again…
Let the games begin
what are we celebrating?
do you even know?
I hate doing things
just because I’m told
I’m getting too old
for this
I don’t want to deal with
all the fucking people
outside
on the street
all the fucking people
in my town
I never want to meet.
all the fucking people
who take up space
in every corner
every place
this used to feel like home
but now it feels like hell
I’m not buying
what everyone is trying to sell.
I want love
I want green
I want to touch the earth
I don’t want to be seen
by anyone but you 😉
In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.
Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations
As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.
A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect
My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.
The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family
One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.
The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle
As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.
Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness
While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.
Reaching Out to Others
The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.
Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery
As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.
In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.
Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead
As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.
The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.
So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.
The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.
In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.
Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.
Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.
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I’ve been let down
put down
pushed around
I feel so low
Got so much to do
but nothing to show
all alone
I’m drowning here
alone
and there’s nobody near
it’s becoming pretty clear
that I’m not going to make
I’m not going to make
I don’t know how to fake it
no I just don’t know
how to make it
through another day
I just don’t know
what I’m doing anymore
depression has got a hold of me
so much so that I can’t see
any way out
or any reason to be
and I’m getting pretty sick of being me
I’m getting pretty sick of me
I don’t know how to be
me anymore
I just don’t want to be
me
anymore
I don’t wanna be
this
me
anymore.
the more I try
the less you understand
and I’m feeling pushed out
with no place left to stand
it’s hard to feel okay
when I’m all alone
with each passing day
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live
this way anymore
I close my eyes
and wish myself away
close my eyes
and wish it all away
I can’t save myself
not this time
not today
if I could
I would
but I got a head full of bad
and a heart full of sad
weighing me down
I’m sorry
I’m just not strong anymore
"All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Mad world Mad world Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday, happy birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Mad world Mad world And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Halargian world Mad world" Released: 1983 Album: The Hurting Artist: Tears for Fears Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Roland Orzabal Mad World lyrics © BMG Rights Management, DistroKid, Royalty Network, Sentric Music, Songtrust Ave, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
suicide eyes
vicious cries
the many reasons why
I’m never heard
The lines you draw
in the slipping sand
slips right through your hands
the lines your draw
are always blurred
a bit uncomfortable
a bit disturbed
and once again
there’s that voice that’s never heard
I could fall away too
slip away from all of you
just like the sand
let me ask you then
will you then understand
how much you demand
of me
would you still demand the same
if I were still to be
here with you
if you only knew
how far away I am
yet how close I am
to the end
maybe then
you would treat me better than just a friend
but people never know what we have
until it’s gone
and I’m not the only one
I’m not the only one
I’ll never be the only one
singing the same old line
of the same old song
of how people
rarely ever change.
-kc
Suicide eyes
vicious cries
the many reasons why
I’m never heard
The lines you draw
in the slipping sand
slips right on through
your careless hands
the lines your draw
are always blurred
a bit uncomfortable
a bit disturbed
and once again
there’s that voice that’s never heard
I could fall away too
slip away from all of you
just like the sand
let me ask you something
will you then understand?
how much you demand?
of me
would you still demand the same
if I were still to be
here with you?
if you only knew
how far away I am
yet how close I am
to the end
maybe then
you would treat me better than just a friend
but people never know what we have
until it’s gone
and I’m not the only one
I’m not the only one
I’ll never be the only one
singing the same old line
of the same old song
of how people
rarely ever change.
-k.c.
One- on- one mixed-media art lessons in Los Angeles
‘Cause talking is better than working
I spend a lot of time pondering what it all means.
A Writer's Musings (And Likely Some Shameless Self-Promotion As Well)
An outlet for my random thoughts and interests
where would it flow...
Serving a little poetic nourishment Monday thru Friday and featuring a Short Play Saturday Matinee to read.
Tales From The Life Of A Soul
instagram.com/bsidejunkie
skin loves fever 
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