life – skin loves fever

So glad

He was careless with me, and it broke something—but it brought me here. I won’t apologize for the truth. Truth doesn’t hurt. Being treated like nothing does.

His carelessness showed me who he really was, and whatever I felt disappeared. What stayed was the embarrassment of ever wanting him. I mistook his treatment for a reflection of my worth. It wasn’t. It was his. I don’t want someone who treats people that way.

I don’t want him.

But…

If not for him, the night would not have opened to you.

Embracing the Shift: Understanding Relationship Patterns

This morning, I realized I deserve genuine love, not just crumbs. I’m done with one-sided relationships and embracing my worth while healing and learning.

I woke up this morning and something shifted.

For most of my life, love has felt like something I had to earn. I learned early on that relationships were conditional. I realized that affection wasn’t guaranteed. If I wanted to be kept around, I had to give more. I had to try harder and be easier. That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from what I grew up with, and it followed me into every relationship I’ve known.

So I’m honest with myself now. I’ve accepted one-sided relationships because they felt familiar. I’ve stayed where effort was minimal and connection was inconsistent. I’ve poured into people who offered me just enough to keep me hoping. I’ve mistaken breadcrumbs for care and potential for reality.

And it has hurt. More than I’ve wanted to admit.

Lately, I’ve been letting myself really feel that pain instead of pushing past it. I’m acknowledging the sadness, the frustration, the quiet humiliation of wanting more and pretending I didn’t. I’m not judging myself for it anymore. I’m starting to understand how deeply this pattern has affected my emotional health, and how much it’s shaped the way I see myself.

I’ve been looking back at my relationships, all of them, and the pattern is impossible to ignore now. The imbalance. The way I do most of the emotional work. The way I show up fully while being met halfway or not at all. The way I feel wanted mostly when someone wants something from me. Sex. Validation. To feel desired. To feel better about themselves.

Sitting with that truth hasn’t been easy. It’s lonely. It brings up parts of me that feel unwanted and replaceable. But I’m staying with those parts instead of abandoning them. I’m letting the discomfort exist without rushing to fill the space with another person or another excuse.

I’m doing the work, even though it hurts like hell. I’m writing. I’m talking. I’m sitting in the quiet. I’m grieving not just the people. I’m grieving the versions of relationships I believed would show up eventually. I thought they would if I was patient enough or good enough. Letting go of that hope is painful, but it’s also honest.

As I do this, something is changing. I’m becoming more aware of myself in real time. I notice when I start to minimize my needs. I catch the moments where I want to accept less just to feel chosen. That awareness feels heavy, but it also feels like power returning to me.

I’m learning to accept people as they are, not as I wish they could be. And that acceptance is doing something important. It’s making it impossible to keep lying to myself. When someone shows little effort, I notice it. When consistency is missing, I recognize it. When I’m left doing all the work, it becomes clear to me. And seeing it clearly changes what I’m willing to tolerate.

I’m starting to understand that wanting someone means showing up. It means effort. It means care that doesn’t disappear when things get inconvenient. And I’m realizing I don’t want relationships that only exist when someone wants something from me. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t want to be an option or a convenience.

This morning, I wake up and I can feel the shift. It’s subtle, but it’s real. I don’t feel the same pull toward what hurts me. I don’t feel the same urge to chase or explain or prove my worth. That doesn’t mean the work is done. It means the work is working.

I’m reclaiming my time and my energy, even as I’m still figuring out how. I’m turning back toward myself. Toward what grounds me. Toward people and spaces that feel mutual. I’m reminding myself, over and over, that I am worthy of love that is genuine and reciprocal.

Today feels like the start of something new. It’s not because everything is healed. It’s because something inside me has finally shifted. I no longer want one-sided relationships. I no longer want to beg for effort. I want connections where I’m met, not managed.

This is me, in the middle of it. Still healing. Still learning. Still choosing myself. And today, that choice feels real.

“Like a bright light, you inspire and deserve love. Your spirit brings joy and hope. Know your worth; you deserve support for your dreams.”

A night like this

Back rooms

With the spill of souls

And spirits

You can hear a pin drop

Or the sound of ice shoveled

Into vessels

Transporting spirits

Into souls.

On a night like this

There is no excitment like you

There is no one I wish to share myself to

But you.

You hate me for the wrong reasons

Because I say the things you dare not see (maybe too true or maybe too ugly) within yourself

I love you for saying all the things that i know and do see (As ugly as they are)

within myself

But I don’t look at you as someone I can use

I don’t like at you as something cheap

If you let me

I would keep you safe

I would show you love

But you don’t want that

You would rather misunderstand me

And hate me

Bevause you have been used and discarded

And now that’s how you treat anything that isn’t easy

Or anyone that would deal with you at your worst

As long as you were there to deal with my worst

Which gets easier and falls away the more you give me a reason to trust that you’ll be there when shit goes down

And I’m someone you want on your team when shit goes down

But on a night like this

I watch the many

Some baring souls

Some burying souls

writing for the next spirit to pour

And wishing you were here with me.

We will never have any firsts together

Meet someone I actually like and they’ve already done all the things
I probably will never do – with someone else.
They had a wife
They have the kids
They had the wedding and the love
At least enough to have a child with that person.

Artists are different – I know this-
I had many opportunities to have all of that-
but I chose not to
under the circumstances that I was in at the time-
which I thought was the best decision (and it probably was)
but it still leaves me feeling like I’m falling short
losing time
and now at almost 43
I am.

I’m not toxic
I don’t bring that much baggage
I don’t lie
or leave out important information
that is misleading

I don’t want to meet people who are barely out of their last relationship – still not over it.

I want to meet people who are willing to try

to let me in

to connect

I want to have someone to have firsts with.

I was so careful about being with the wrong person (because of my family history) that I didn’t marry – even though I was engaged

I didn’t have children – even though I did get pregnant more than once

all of which I thought was the smart thing to do.

So now while so many of my friends who were married – are now in the process of getting divorced-

they were married and had children- maybe to the wrong person- but that part is on their poor choice of picking a partner who sticks by their vows- through all the trials and tribulations. who knows it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Who is loyal despite the temptation of people that are always trying to take what isn’t theirs – just because they can’t have it.

And the worst part of it all- is I would have made a great mother and wife- to the right person. while I see so many couples forget that they’re parents with multiple kids- just check out. So many parents go through the motions yet treat their kids like bait when they want out of their relationship – or want something more from the divorce. Some people have kids for the wrong reason. Some people get married and have no idea what that actual means and what it actually takes to make a marriage work. Selfish and stupid because in a lot of cases the kids suffer more than they will ever know – or care to think about.

I want to cry but I can’t cry… I have too much good in my life to cry – despite the things I lack that most of you will never understand

Is there anyone out there – in the same position as me?

Happy October 1st. Most of 2024 is gone already.

Maybe this world won’t last just like most relationships don’t last.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of all my stuff and move to another state

I don’t know.

all I know is that a lot of you – that I once knew-

I will never see again.

and that’s okay because if you wanted it any other way

you would show it – but more importantly-

I just don’t want any of it or any of you – at all –

marriage doesn’t work with selfish people

and new relationships will fail too

blah blah blah

I’m just happy for what I know, what I see, what I dodge, and what I have thet is good.

too left – too right- never any good

sex positivity is a good thing
but not with everyone
women used to get shamed for just trying something different with her own husband- while he could go and find many mistresses or concubines- and it was perfectly fine.
think of your own daughter- how would you feel if a boy treated her the way you treat women?
I guess your excuses would be fine… right?
NO.

I want to write more… but I am healing.
and I don’t need any other person’s outside validation to tell me who I am or how great I am or how worthy I am.
they don’t even know how worth they are.
and they don’t live in a way that I feel would bring any good to my life.
I would just join the dark side. hedonistic- only self-serving, selfish

no wonder this world is the way it is-
well not all of the world-

you can follow the masses and not think for yourself
or you can see how the thinking has been controlled by a small group of people that control everything we see, think, and do – and have been for so long that we don’t even realize how little we think for ourselves. we are programmed.

my body, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my brain, my organs. my nervous system as well as all the other systems, my light, my love, etc… as well as all the other things you can’t with your eyes and can’t touch with your hands- but most pe0ple know is there… is important to keep sacred and take care of.

when you know yourself beyond this world and this life… and step away from the manipulation that c0mes from the people in power who and in control- who want to keep us down – because if we knew our own power – if we knew what we were capable of – we would evolve and we wouldn’t continue to live within the confines that others have built for us that limit us- that we think we need – in order to survive.

protect yourself. know thyself. don’t let anyone treat you like you’re just a body, a slave, just one of the many, expendable. disposable. used.

how would you feel if your daughter was treated that way?

I am worthy of love and commitment. I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who did not value you in that way… but you doing that to others instead of taking the time to heal- is not okay.

people will hurt you but do you want to continue that just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others and/or you have to make them feel like they can’t trust you.

grow from it. heal from it. but that takes time. sometimes years.
but you haven’t even given it a few months.
and all you do is pass that on
and take it out
on someone else and close your eyes and turn your back to the hurt you cause. .. because you are hurt and don’t want to deal with you first.

I will not spend anymore time
giving my energy to someone who chooses to behave in a way that is only self-serving. if someone is mean to you- when they weren’t before- maybe the problem is you. especially when you know that everyone I wrote above it true.

I’m not perfect- but I want to be with someone who is okay with that and is okay with connecting on a level that you will never know –

I say goodbye

and I walk away.

you have shown me that you do not understand the damage you cause-

you do not care to because it hurts like hell

and you’ve been hurt

but that does not mean it’s okay to do it to someone else

you’re not dumb…stop playing dumb.

because it’s not about me

it’s about not losing yourself…

which happens when we avoid what is really causing our pain and we don’t give ourselves the time alone to process and heal.

I had a letter…

but it’s too late now.

I didn’t give away to others- what I gave to you

but you did.

I’m walking away

because who you want

is not me.

Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright – Bob Dylan

Long Long Long -The Beatles

Letting Go: Healing Alone Before Finding Someone Real

I’ve been in love
and I’ve lost it too
but I never expected
to ever love you
I gave you a lot
I gave you me
but it made me blind
too blind to see

that you were somebody
i was better off not to know
quickly we were so close
only to have you just as quickly go

away.

and that is how I want you to stay

away.

you don’t appreciate what we had
so I would not want you to stay anyway

it’s better this way
it’s better this way

too much baggage
you carry
you can’t put down
why would anyone really
want to stick around
when you can’t
and you won’t and you don’t
you jumped right back out
when you’re not even close to being ready
or steady enough to be
where there is people looking for something and someone real
you only care about what you see
and how YOU feel
not how others feel
you need to take alone to heal
YOU
before
you try to find someone else
you’re not ready for
when you aren’t looking for something more
from someone else
but you lead them on
I’m happy you are gone
and
I’m happy to not be
anything with you
(nothing with you)
anymore

the end.

I’ve experienced the pain of love and loss, and I never anticipated feeling the way I did for you. I gave my all, but it blinded me to the truth. Sometimes, it’s better not to know someone, especially when they come into your life only to leave just as quickly. It’s okay for you to stay away, as I realize now that you never truly appreciated our relationship. It’s for the best. You carry too much baggage and aren’t ready for something real. Take time for yourself before leading others on. I’m content that you’re no longer part of my life. The end.

Check out the link below for some amazing books that will help you feel better after a breakup or the ending of a relationship, or just to help you improve the way you feel about yourself..

self help books

calluses

playing cello
for hours every day
until my fingers
would blister and bleed
my youthful hands
with such soft fingertips
with every press
against the string
slip slide pluck
rip tear and sting
fuck!
it hurt like hell
if it didn’t produce
such a beautiful sound
I would have smashed my cello
into the ground
but instead
I just played
through the pain
years of abuse
wax and wane

until one day
I didn’t hurt anymore
callused skin
no longer thin
but now rough and tough
worn and torn
broke down
raw
so I turned it around
and it was war!
Cause I’ve been through this shit
too many times before
to just run away
and stay
full of fear
I can play music
but I can’t play
like I’m okay
when I’m not
so…I faced life and said
“give me what you got”
be careful what you ask for
or demand
cause life sometimes
has got the upper hand
but after years of low
after I’ve taken every blow
another cut with your knife
another sucker punch you throw
only goes to show
that I’m still here
and
just so you know
if you want me to fight
then you want me to win
so I’ll roll up my sleeves
once again…

Let the games begin

stop

what are we celebrating?
do you even know?
I hate doing things
just because I’m told
I’m getting too old
for this
I don’t want to deal with
all the fucking people
outside
on the street
all the fucking people
in my town
I never want to meet.
all the fucking people
who take up space
in every corner
every place
this used to feel like home
but now it feels like hell
I’m not buying
what everyone is trying to sell.
I want love
I want green
I want to touch the earth
I don’t want to be seen
by anyone but you 😉

split hit

hurt becomes normal
no one notices
you can feel yourself start to fade away
no grace
stuck in a place
you can’t escape
loose words
lose meaning
hurt becomes normal
you can’t kill what is already dead
and he can’t take back
what he fails to see
and all the ugly deeds and hurtful words he said
just like grandpa
who confused your little head
with words that don’t match actions
when the line becomes too blurred
knowing wrong
but told it’s right
being sold as gold
until one day you’re old
and filled with fright
no one to trust
no one who understands your everlasting struggle
no one understands your daily fight
silenced
into solitude
made to feel stupid
grayed out until you’ve so pushed down
with only vampires and clowns
all around
you lose yourself
and don’t want to be found
it’s not worth it
nothing is worth it
and
you used to have light
you used to have light….

it’s all gone.

Navigating Life at 42: A Journey of Healing, Loneliness, and Self-Discovery

In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.

Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations

As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.

A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect

My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.

The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family

One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle

As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.

Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness

While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.

Reaching Out to Others

The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.

Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery

As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.

In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.

Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead

As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.

The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.

So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.

The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.

In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.

Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.

Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.