toxic people – skin loves fever

We will never have any firsts together

Meet someone I actually like and they’ve already done all the things
I probably will never do – with someone else.
They had a wife
They have the kids
They had the wedding and the love
At least enough to have a child with that person.

Artists are different – I know this-
I had many opportunities to have all of that-
but I chose not to
under the circumstances that I was in at the time-
which I thought was the best decision (and it probably was)
but it still leaves me feeling like I’m falling short
losing time
and now at almost 43
I am.

I’m not toxic
I don’t bring that much baggage
I don’t lie
or leave out important information
that is misleading

I don’t want to meet people who are barely out of their last relationship – still not over it.

I want to meet people who are willing to try

to let me in

to connect

I want to have someone to have firsts with.

I was so careful about being with the wrong person (because of my family history) that I didn’t marry – even though I was engaged

I didn’t have children – even though I did get pregnant more than once

all of which I thought was the smart thing to do.

So now while so many of my friends who were married – are now in the process of getting divorced-

they were married and had children- maybe to the wrong person- but that part is on their poor choice of picking a partner who sticks by their vows- through all the trials and tribulations. who knows it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Who is loyal despite the temptation of people that are always trying to take what isn’t theirs – just because they can’t have it.

And the worst part of it all- is I would have made a great mother and wife- to the right person. while I see so many couples forget that they’re parents with multiple kids- just check out. So many parents go through the motions yet treat their kids like bait when they want out of their relationship – or want something more from the divorce. Some people have kids for the wrong reason. Some people get married and have no idea what that actual means and what it actually takes to make a marriage work. Selfish and stupid because in a lot of cases the kids suffer more than they will ever know – or care to think about.

I want to cry but I can’t cry… I have too much good in my life to cry – despite the things I lack that most of you will never understand

Is there anyone out there – in the same position as me?

Happy October 1st. Most of 2024 is gone already.

Maybe this world won’t last just like most relationships don’t last.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of all my stuff and move to another state

I don’t know.

all I know is that a lot of you – that I once knew-

I will never see again.

and that’s okay because if you wanted it any other way

you would show it – but more importantly-

I just don’t want any of it or any of you – at all –

marriage doesn’t work with selfish people

and new relationships will fail too

blah blah blah

I’m just happy for what I know, what I see, what I dodge, and what I have thet is good.

gonna walk walk walk, four more blocks, plus the one in my brain…

suicide eyes

vicious cries

the many reasons why

I’m never heard

The lines you draw

in the slipping sand

slips right through your hands

the lines your draw

are always blurred

a bit uncomfortable

a bit disturbed

and once again

there’s that voice that’s never heard

I could fall away too

slip away from all of you

just like the sand

let me ask you then

will you then understand

how much you demand

of me

would you still demand the same

if I were still to be

here with you

if you only knew

how far away I am

yet how close I am

to the end

maybe then

you would treat me better than just a friend

but people never know what we have

until it’s gone

and I’m not the only one

I’m not the only one

I’ll never be the only one

singing the same old line

of the same old song

of how people

rarely ever change.

-kc

Somebody that I used to know

Quitters always believe the lies they tell themselves because delusion is easier to live with than the reality that they settled for an easier path.

-Shannon L. Alder

Evil loves to subvert all blame onto the innocent.

-E.A. Bucchianeri, Vocation of a Gadfly (Gadfly Saga, #2)

In the narcissist’s world being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language. It is meaningless or even repellent. One might recite the most delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still remain utterly meaningless to a non-speaker of Japanese. This does not diminish the value of the haiku or of the Japanese language, needless to say. But it means nothing to the non-speaker.
Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so offhandedly and naturally, as an afterthought…
They are aware of what they are doing to others – but they do not care.

-Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

No other being is lesser human than the one who thinks of others as such.

-Abhijit Naskar, Human Making is Our Mission: A Treatise on Parenting (Humanism Series)

In the eyes of a Narcissist, they are perfect and never make mistakes. It’s always your fault.

-Tracy Malone

Once you are no longer a source of supply a narcissist will discard you cruelly with horrifically unimaginable devastation. This is when they show the ‘no empathy’ part. They do not care about you and learning that puts victims into a tailspin of confusion and depression.

-Tracy Malone

The emotionally cold or distant trait also rears its head during arguments when one person is experiencing and expressing significant emotion and the narcissistic person just checks out and does not respond—or does so in a cold and clipped manner. At such times you may find yourself spinning—and actually feeling as though you are “going crazy”—because the coldness of the response makes it even more difficult to regulate yourself in that moment. The emotional coldness can be confusing for you and may result in attempts to jump through hoops to generate warmth and connection with your partner. I have observed people wearing themselves out over decades, trying to create a fire where there was no possibility.

-Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist

It might look like your enemies are winning, but be ready God is about to flip the script.

-Shannon L. Alder, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible

One of the easiest ways to discover if someone is compatible with you is to gauge their emotional intelligence. Are they a kind and sensitive person? Will they be respectful towards your sensitivities? Or, are they emotionally stunted? Remember, we tend to attract narcissistic types who lack empathy.

-Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

A narcissist, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of an empath. Emotionally, narcissists are like brick walls who see and hear others but fail to understand or relate to them. As a result of their emotional shallowness, narcissists are essentially devoid of all empathy or compassion for other people. Lacking empathy, a narcissist is a very destructive and dangerous person to be around.

-Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing