skin loves fever

You made me feel

Like life was worth living

And then you made me feel

Like it wasn’t

Nothing I did was good enough

Nothing I did

Made you show me

What I needed

Everything you did in the end

Was only

To make this my end.

And I accept.

12:45 pm. Woke up to two of my cats bring extra loving and sweet. Was feeling super down last night. I didn’t want to get up and face the day so I went on my phone to watch some videos on YouTube and disconnect. I came across this video called “interview with the devil” a book by Napoleon Hill but it was the audio version and I listened to the whole the twice. Made me realize I was drifing. Anyways here’s the link if you want to check it out : Interview with the Devil

3:10 pm. Went to lunch with a friend. Was fun and it got me out of the house which at first terrified me but was much needed.

4:20 decided to get a manicure and pedicure after lunch. Made me feel better

9:20 pm. I’m at work now. The acoustic act that’s on stage right now is singing a song about death.

Lol sometimes you have to laugh at shit that’s the devil poking fun at you.

Tonight is pretty dead.

It’s cold in my room

And I don’t like being alone tonight

I just want to fall asleep

Fuck it

Help

11:30 am woke up in a daze. I have my drum lesson at 1 pm. Don’t really feel like going but I know it will make me feel better. I know not going is going to make me feel worse

3:19 pm just got out of my drum lesson. It went well. I do feel a little better. Went over some old stuff and my teacher taught me some new stuff. My teacher is awesome. She’s really inspiring and is really good at what she does. Both drumming and teaching. Maybe that’s why I’m doing so well at something I always loved and fascinated by but thought I could never do. Not everyone with knowledge or expertise in something should or could be a teacher. It takes a certain kind of person to really teach others. I’m grateful for the great teachers out there like her who actually love teaching and have the patience passion talent and understanding to do it. A great teacher makes all the difference between a person who succeeds and one who doesn’t.

Anyways we finished the lesson by me playing along to the song “Eye of the Tiger” lol.

8:15 pm. When I got home from my drum lesson around 4:15 pm i went upstairs to my room and started sketching some ideas out. I didn’t look at my phone until 8 pm. Saw he texted me. Got depressed. I feel hopeless. Replying will do me no good. It’s a trap and I don’t want to fall for it again. I’m turning my phone on vibrate and putting it in my purse. Now I’m going to go get dinner. One step at a time. I’ll try not to let him get to me. I’m still hurting and sad but for now I will try to put that aside and just live in the moment.

Ugh I feel so alone and helpless.

I miss the good side of him but I can’t ignore the bad side cause that is part of the reason I’ve been feeling the way I do right now.

I don’t have any resentment or anger towards anyone today. Except for myself but I know that’s not my own thoughts that’s just me resorting back to old beliefs and past trauma.

OK. I’m going to get dinner now. I just want to be okay.

10:07 pm. I’m home again. I’m going to paint for a bit and then go to bed. I don’t feel very good and maybe tomorrow will be better. I just want to sleep until I don’t feel sad and depressed anymore.

Day two was much harder than day one.

When will it get easier?

If you only knew the reply the voice inside my head just gave…

Sigh.

This…sucks

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-victims-of-gaslighting-stay-and-how-to-finally-leave

mentalhealthathome.org/2019/03/29/what-is-a-diathesis-stress-model/

What Makes People Susceptible to Gaslighting?

https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2018/11/26/what-makes-people-susceptible-to-gaslighting/
— Read on lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2018/11/26/what-makes-people-susceptible-to-gaslighting/

NOW I UNDERSTAND A BIT MORE.

Five types of gaslighting narcissists.

Five types of gaslighting narcissists.
— Read on luckyottershaven.com/2019/02/11/five-types-of-gaslighting-narcissists-2/

I give up. This is hopeless.

You did everything to make it that way.

Good job. So long and thanks for crumbs of “love” you threw every now and then just to barely keep it alive. Basically killing me inside without actually killing me. That’s torture. I need to heal. I actually loved someone as unlovable as you. You’re a really good illusionist. You should make yourself disappear. I don’t need to or want to see you again. I wasted so much love and time on you.

Ugh. I need a big eraser and a lot of time for this one.

Damn it. Let it go.

I let you go.

I’m going out now

I’m going to pretend like it’s 3 years ago still and be me the way I was before you.

Cause you’ve made me see how hopeless being with you actually is.

10:50 am woke up went back to bed

1:01 pm got out of bed.

Today I’m focusing on accepting what is without thinking about it too much.

2:13 pm went to lunch with friends. It felt weird and a bit uncomfortable to leave the house and face the world. Even if the world has no clue what I’m going through or how I feel – it still feels like they do.

Smiling helps I guess…

3:00 pm played drums for a bit. Felt good. Had someone check out my Martin guitar and sent it in to be fixed finally. Actually felt good for a bit.

Around 4 ish My phone did something weird. Wish it didn’t cause all it did was remind me of the thing I’m struggling with but need to leave behind.

4:13 pm sitting alone in my room. People are downstairs and I’m sitting alone in my room figuring out what I’m going to do.

7:51 pm did yoga. Don’t know how much better that made me feel. I feel like everything I do is taken wrong. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard. I’m forgetful like my short term memory is really bad because I have so many things going on in my head. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off without tuning out. I don’t know. Today was ok. I can’t complain. I just don’t feel well.

8:08 pm. Was going to go out but forgot that I had promised a friend I would do something and my friend was really disappointed in me for flaking again. So I canceled my plans of going out to spend time with my friend.

I feel like I’m not living my life for me anymore. This makes me really sad.

I also feel like all I do is disappoint people. Maybe I care too much about how I make others feel. Do they care about how they make me feel? I don’t know. Cause right now I’m not feeling very good at all.

9:24 pm keeping busy with shit I need to do but not really feeling it right now. I’m not excited about things like I used to be. I guess tomorrow is a new day. I think I’m going to force myself to paint just to get out whatever crap is inside of me and maybe paint through it. I feel very unmotivated right now and extremely lonely. Why? I don’t know…

I wish I didn’t feel this way…