He was careless with me, and it broke something—but it brought me here. I won’t apologize for the truth. Truth doesn’t hurt. Being treated like nothing does.
His carelessness showed me who he really was, and whatever I felt disappeared. What stayed was the embarrassment of ever wanting him. I mistook his treatment for a reflection of my worth. It wasn’t. It was his. I don’t want someone who treats people that way.
I don’t want him.
But…
If not for him, the night would not have opened to you.
This morning, I realized I deserve genuine love, not just crumbs. I’m done with one-sided relationships and embracing my worth while healing and learning.
I woke up this morning and something shifted.
For most of my life, love has felt like something I had to earn. I learned early on that relationships were conditional. I realized that affection wasn’t guaranteed. If I wanted to be kept around, I had to give more. I had to try harder and be easier. That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from what I grew up with, and it followed me into every relationship I’ve known.
So I’m honest with myself now. I’ve accepted one-sided relationships because they felt familiar. I’ve stayed where effort was minimal and connection was inconsistent. I’ve poured into people who offered me just enough to keep me hoping. I’ve mistaken breadcrumbs for care and potential for reality.
And it has hurt. More than I’ve wanted to admit.
Lately, I’ve been letting myself really feel that pain instead of pushing past it. I’m acknowledging the sadness, the frustration, the quiet humiliation of wanting more and pretending I didn’t. I’m not judging myself for it anymore. I’m starting to understand how deeply this pattern has affected my emotional health, and how much it’s shaped the way I see myself.
I’ve been looking back at my relationships, all of them, and the pattern is impossible to ignore now. The imbalance. The way I do most of the emotional work. The way I show up fully while being met halfway or not at all. The way I feel wanted mostly when someone wants something from me. Sex. Validation. To feel desired. To feel better about themselves.
Sitting with that truth hasn’t been easy. It’s lonely. It brings up parts of me that feel unwanted and replaceable. But I’m staying with those parts instead of abandoning them. I’m letting the discomfort exist without rushing to fill the space with another person or another excuse.
I’m doing the work, even though it hurts like hell. I’m writing. I’m talking. I’m sitting in the quiet. I’m grieving not just the people. I’m grieving the versions of relationships I believed would show up eventually. I thought they would if I was patient enough or good enough. Letting go of that hope is painful, but it’s also honest.
As I do this, something is changing. I’m becoming more aware of myself in real time. I notice when I start to minimize my needs. I catch the moments where I want to accept less just to feel chosen. That awareness feels heavy, but it also feels like power returning to me.
I’m learning to accept people as they are, not as I wish they could be. And that acceptance is doing something important. It’s making it impossible to keep lying to myself. When someone shows little effort, I notice it. When consistency is missing, I recognize it. When I’m left doing all the work, it becomes clear to me. And seeing it clearly changes what I’m willing to tolerate.
I’m starting to understand that wanting someone means showing up. It means effort. It means care that doesn’t disappear when things get inconvenient. And I’m realizing I don’t want relationships that only exist when someone wants something from me. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t want to be an option or a convenience.
This morning, I wake up and I can feel the shift. It’s subtle, but it’s real. I don’t feel the same pull toward what hurts me. I don’t feel the same urge to chase or explain or prove my worth. That doesn’t mean the work is done. It means the work is working.
I’m reclaiming my time and my energy, even as I’m still figuring out how. I’m turning back toward myself. Toward what grounds me. Toward people and spaces that feel mutual. I’m reminding myself, over and over, that I am worthy of love that is genuine and reciprocal.
Today feels like the start of something new. It’s not because everything is healed. It’s because something inside me has finally shifted. I no longer want one-sided relationships. I no longer want to beg for effort. I want connections where I’m met, not managed.
This is me, in the middle of it. Still healing. Still learning. Still choosing myself. And today, that choice feels real.
“Like a bright light, you inspire and deserve love. Your spirit brings joy and hope. Know your worth; you deserve support for your dreams.”
In a world of familiar faces, he stands out—a rare, warm soul whose connection sparks newfound emotions, challenging me to rethink love and discover inner peace amidst chaos.
he’s someone I never imagined would consider
someone like me, a hidden whisper
maybe I’ve been too blinded to perceive
or too settled in cycles, tricked to believe
I’ve had my share of the same old pain
too many players dancing in the rain
yet he stands apart, a mirror, a chance
so alike in spirit, but a different dance
he embodies warmth, unlike all the rest
caring, kind, in ways I’ve never guessed
when we touch, the world fades away
it’s a spark I thought I’d never display
what flows for him is deeper than ink
and his open heart makes me stop and think
the way he shows he cares is a rare release
igniting the best within, where I find my peace.
Back rooms
With the spill of souls
And spirits
You can hear a pin drop
Or the sound of ice shoveled
Into vessels
Transporting spirits
Into souls.
On a night like this
There is no excitment like you
There is no one I wish to share myself to
But you.
You hate me for the wrong reasons
Because I say the things you dare not see (maybe too true or maybe too ugly) within yourself
I love you for saying all the things that i know and do see (As ugly as they are)
within myself
But I don’t look at you as someone I can use
I don’t like at you as something cheap
If you let me
I would keep you safe
I would show you love
But you don’t want that
You would rather misunderstand me
And hate me
Bevause you have been used and discarded
And now that’s how you treat anything that isn’t easy
Or anyone that would deal with you at your worst
As long as you were there to deal with my worst
Which gets easier and falls away the more you give me a reason to trust that you’ll be there when shit goes down
And I’m someone you want on your team when shit goes down
But on a night like this
I watch the many
Some baring souls
Some burying souls
writing for the next spirit to pour
And wishing you were here with me.
I’ve been in love
and I’ve lost it too
but I never expected
to ever love you
I gave you a lot
I gave you me
but it made me blind
too blind to see
that you were somebody
i was better off not to know
quickly we were so close
only to have you just as quickly go
away.
and that is how I want you to stay
away.
you don’t appreciate what we had
so I would not want you to stay anyway
it’s better this way
it’s better this way
too much baggage
you carry
you can’t put down
why would anyone really
want to stick around
when you can’t
and you won’t and you don’t
you jumped right back out
when you’re not even close to being ready
or steady enough to be
where there is people looking for something and someone real
you only care about what you see
and how YOU feel
not how others feel
you need to take alone to heal
YOU
before
you try to find someone else
you’re not ready for
when you aren’t looking for something more
from someone else
but you lead them on
I’m happy you are gone
and
I’m happy to not be
anything with you
(nothing with you)
anymore
the end.
I’ve experienced the pain of love and loss, and I never anticipated feeling the way I did for you. I gave my all, but it blinded me to the truth. Sometimes, it’s better not to know someone, especially when they come into your life only to leave just as quickly. It’s okay for you to stay away, as I realize now that you never truly appreciated our relationship. It’s for the best. You carry too much baggage and aren’t ready for something real. Take time for yourself before leading others on. I’m content that you’re no longer part of my life. The end.
Check out the link below for some amazing books that will help you feel better after a breakup or the ending of a relationship, or just to help you improve the way you feel about yourself..
Find essential tools & gadgets to enhance your writing journey. From ergonomic keyboards to noise-canceling headphones. Get them now!
Whether you’re a seasoned wordsmith or just dipping your toes in the inkwell, arming yourself with the right tools can turn writer’s block into a mere speed bump on your literary highway. In this uproarious guide, we’re diving into the top 10 Amazon goodies that every writer absolutely, positively, no-arguments-accepted must have to level up their scribbling game. From quirky gadgets to old-school must-haves, these products are bound to kickstart your imagination and turbocharge your productivity. Let’s get this writer’s party started!
The Bamboo Folio Smartpad is a digital notepad that seamlessly transfers handwritten notes to digital format. With high ratings, it offers convenience for writers on-the-go.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Converts handwriting to text | Requires compatible device |
| Easy to use | Some users report connectivity issues |
| Portable | Pricey |
This classic book offers inspiration and guidance for writers at all levels, emphasizing the importance of practice and finding your voice.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| – Inspirational | – Not a technical guide |
| – Practical tips | – May not suit all styles |
| – Easy to read |
The Moleskine Classic Notebook is a timeless choice for writers, renowned for its quality and durability. With rave reviews, it’s perfect for capturing creative ideas anywhere.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Premium quality | Limited customization options |
| Portable and sleek design | Higher price point |
| Acid-free paper | No digital integration |
Bose QuietComfort 35 II headphones offer superior noise cancellation, perfect for writers who need to focus. Some users find them bulky for extended wear.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| – Excellent noise cancellation | – Bulky design |
| – Comfortable | – Pricey |
| – Wireless |
The AmazonBasics Executive Stylus offers precision and comfort for writers who prefer handwriting on digital devices. With high ratings, it’s an affordable and reliable accessory.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Responsive tip | Not compatible with all devices |
| Sleek and ergonomic design | Limited color options |
| Durable construction | May not work well with screen protectors |
The Emotion Thesaurus is an essential resource for writers, providing a vast array of descriptive words and phrases to enhance character emotions. With glowing reviews, it’s a valuable addition to any writer’s toolkit.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Comprehensive | Some entries may be subjective |
| Easy-to-navigate format | Repetitive for experienced writers |
| Inspires creative expression | Physical book format only |
Noise Cancelling Headphones provide an immersive writing experience by eliminating distractions. With top ratings, they’re ideal for writers seeking focus and concentration.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Blocks out ambient noise | Higher price point |
| Comfortable for extended use | Some users prefer earbuds |
| Wireless connectivity options | Bulky design |
The Kindle Paperwhite E-reader offers a convenient way for writers to access a vast library of books in a lightweight and portable device. With rave reviews, it’s a game-changer for reading enthusiasts.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| High-resolution display | Not ideal for color content |
| Adjustable front light | Limited audio capabilities |
| Long battery life | Some users prefer physical books |
The Freewrite Traveler offers a focused writing experience without the distractions of the internet. However, some users find it pricey for its limited functionality.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| – Distraction-free | – Pricey for its features |
| – Portable | – Limited functionality |
| – E-ink display |
A Laptop Stand is an ergonomic solution for writers, promoting proper posture and comfort during extended writing sessions. With positive reviews, it’s a practical accessory for writers.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Adjustable height and angle | Takes up desk space |
| Improves airflow and cooling | Not compatible with all laptops |
| Portable and lightweight | May require additional accessories |
Investing in the right tools can significantly enhance your writing experience. From digital devices to analog accessories, these top 10 Amazon products are essential companions for any writer. Embrace technology, stay organized, and protect your work to unlock your full writing potential. With these essential tools by your side, you’ll be well-equipped to tackle any writing project with confidence.
1. How can I purchase these Amazon products? You can easily purchase these products on Amazon’s website by searching for their respective names.
2. Are these products suitable for writers of all genres? Yes, these products are designed to enhance the writing experience for writers of all genres, including fiction, non-fiction, and poetry.
3. Can I find similar products on other online platforms? While these specific products are available on Amazon, similar alternatives may be found on other online platforms or in local stores.
4. Are there any additional accessories that writers may find useful? Yes, writers may also find accessories such as ergonomic keyboards, desk organizers, and writing software subscriptions beneficial for their craft.
5. Can I use these products for other purposes besides writing? While these products are primarily designed for writers, they may also be useful for other creative endeavors, productivity tasks, and leisure activities.
6. How do I know which products are the best fit for my writing needs? Consider your writing habits, preferences, and budget when selecting products. Reading reviews and seeking recommendations from fellow writers can also help guide your decision-making process.
Elevate Your Writing Experience with Essential Tools
In conclusion, these top 10 Amazon products offer practical solutions to common challenges faced by writers. Whether you’re seeking to improve your writing skills, stay organized, or protect your work, these essential tools have you covered. Invest in your craft, prioritize your writing goals, and embrace the power of technology to unlock your full creative potential. Happy writing!
playing cello
for hours every day
until my fingers
would blister and bleed
my youthful hands
with such soft fingertips
with every press
against the string
slip slide pluck
rip tear and sting
fuck!
it hurt like hell
if it didn’t produce
such a beautiful sound
I would have smashed my cello
into the ground
but instead
I just played
through the pain
years of abuse
wax and wane
until one day
I didn’t hurt anymore
callused skin
no longer thin
but now rough and tough
worn and torn
broke down
raw
so I turned it around
and it was war!
Cause I’ve been through this shit
too many times before
to just run away
and stay
full of fear
I can play music
but I can’t play
like I’m okay
when I’m not
so…I faced life and said
“give me what you got”
be careful what you ask for
or demand
cause life sometimes
has got the upper hand
but after years of low
after I’ve taken every blow
another cut with your knife
another sucker punch you throw
only goes to show
that I’m still here
and
just so you know
if you want me to fight
then you want me to win
so I’ll roll up my sleeves
once again…
Let the games begin
In a world filled with societal norms and expectations, the path we walk is often filled with unique challenges and complex emotions. This is especially true for women like me, at the age of almost 42 (I’ll be 42 this December), who haven’t followed the conventional trajectory of marriage, family, and a steady 9-5 job. My life’s journey has been marked by solitude, scars from a traumatic past, and a constant struggle for self-discovery and healing.
Breaking Away from Conventional Expectations
As a 42-year-old female who has never been married, is not in a relationship, and has no children, I’ve had to grapple with societal pressures and norms that dictate what a woman’s life should look like by this age. It’s easy to feel like an outlier in a world that often celebrates traditional milestones. This societal pressure to conform can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.
A Past Marred by Abuse and Neglect
My past is marked by experiences that no one should ever have to endure. I’ve been a survivor of sexual, verbal, and mental abuse from a young age, both in my childhood and as an adult. These experiences have left deep scars that have taken years to confront and attempt to heal. Growing up in an environment where I was neglected and mistreated only added to the challenges of forming healthy relationships and self-worth.
The Impact of a Lack of Supportive Family
One of the greatest challenges I face daily is the absence of a supportive and loving family. Family is often seen as a source of comfort, encouragement, and a safety net in times of crisis. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have this kind of support. For many of us who have been through trauma, the absence of a loving family can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.
The Struggles of a Non-Conventional Lifestyle
As an artist and bartender, I’ve chosen a career that doesn’t fit the mold of a traditional 9-5 job. This choice reflects my desire for independence and the freedom to pursue my passions. However, it also brings its own set of challenges, such as financial instability and an unconventional schedule that can make it difficult to build and maintain relationships.
Finding Strength in Our Uniqueness
While my journey has been filled with loneliness and hardship, I’ve also discovered resilience and strength within myself. It’s essential to remember that our unique experiences, although challenging, have shaped us into who we are today. Every scar and struggle is a testament to our courage and determination to overcome adversity.
Reaching Out to Others
The most significant lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not alone in this journey. Many women (men too) share similar experiences of trauma, loneliness, and unconventional paths. By sharing our stories, we create a sense of community and support. We can lean on each other, offering a helping hand and a listening ear to those who’ve walked similar roads.
Seeking Healing and Self-Discovery
As a 42-year-old woman, I continue to explore the path of healing and self-discovery. It’s an ongoing process, and there’s no set timeline for overcoming the past or finding love and connection. But the journey itself is a testament to our strength and resilience.
In conclusion, life at 42 as a female without a traditional family or career path can be a challenging, lonely, and sometimes painful journey. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery, healing, and strength. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can find solace in the knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles. Our unique experiences, though difficult, make us who we are, and they can be a source of strength and empowerment.
Embracing the Uncharted Path Ahead
As I stand at the crossroads of my life, I know that there are more chapters to be written. The past may have left me with scars, and the present may sometimes be marked by loneliness, but I am resolute in my determination to carve a brighter future. My journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance continues.
The story of a 42-year-old woman who’s defied conventional norms, who’s survived and thrived in the face of adversity, and who’s chosen the path less traveled is far from over. There’s an entire world out there to explore, relationships to build, and a deeper understanding of self to achieve.
So, to all the women and kindred spirits who’ve walked a similar path, let’s continue to support each other. Let’s write the next chapters of our lives with courage, resilience, and the knowledge that our unique journeys make us stronger.
The adventure is far from complete, and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned for the next installment of this journey, where we’ll explore the art of healing, the power of self-discovery, and the beauty of embracing the unconventional.
In the meantime, I invite you to reflect on your own unique path and experiences, and to find strength in the knowledge that you are never alone in your journey. Together, we’ll make each chapter of our lives a story worth telling.
Please comment below if you can relate or if you have a story of your own that you want to share.
Thank you for reading and thanks to all my followers who support my blog. You don’t know how much that means to me.
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I’ve been let down
put down
pushed around
I feel so low
Got so much to do
but nothing to show
all alone
I’m drowning here
alone
and there’s nobody near
it’s becoming pretty clear
that I’m not going to make
I’m not going to make
I don’t know how to fake it
no I just don’t know
how to make it
through another day
I just don’t know
what I’m doing anymore
depression has got a hold of me
so much so that I can’t see
any way out
or any reason to be
and I’m getting pretty sick of being me
I’m getting pretty sick of me
I don’t know how to be
me anymore
I just don’t want to be
me
anymore
I don’t wanna be
this
me
anymore.
the more I try
the less you understand
and I’m feeling pushed out
with no place left to stand
it’s hard to feel okay
when I’m all alone
with each passing day
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live through this
anymore
I can’t live
this way anymore
I close my eyes
and wish myself away
close my eyes
and wish it all away
I can’t save myself
not this time
not today
if I could
I would
but I got a head full of bad
and a heart full of sad
weighing me down
I’m sorry
I’m just not strong anymore
"All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Mad world Mad world Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday, happy birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Mad world Mad world And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very, very Mad world Mad world Halargian world Mad world" Released: 1983 Album: The Hurting Artist: Tears for Fears Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Roland Orzabal Mad World lyrics © BMG Rights Management, DistroKid, Royalty Network, Sentric Music, Songtrust Ave, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
One- on- one mixed-media art lessons in Los Angeles
‘Cause talking is better than working
I spend a lot of time pondering what it all means.
A Writer's Musings (And Likely Some Shameless Self-Promotion As Well)
An outlet for my random thoughts and interests
where would it flow...
Serving a little poetic nourishment Monday thru Friday and featuring a Short Play Saturday Matinee to read.
Tales From The Life Of A Soul
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skin loves fever 
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