skin loves fever

Ugh

You always leave me out of things you know I want to do.

I guess whoever you went with means more to you than me.

Obviously.

You know how to reach me if you wanted to.

Your lack of effort really just makes me depressed.

thirty eight hours

and useless

her lonely mother

remained silent

resting on the shoulder

of her companion

the great sun and the heavens

now seemed artificial.

do we understand the power

of our instruments?

vanity of the vanities

sometimes tried to stand and walk

like us

a coat of magnetic mindlessness

the man with bad intent

playing us like the smallest violin

this feeling of emptiness

Is more alive than me

illusions all around us.

to soften the blow

between the operator

and the subjects

you found my energy

in the broken pulse of time

I pulsate with the angels

and then laugh at our farewell

I am a memory

you see… that

this

is the end.

-Kyoko Cole

2018

No cure

Bath room doom

Another night

I hide

In the only place

I feel safe

Sitting on the floor

My back against the door

That is broken

Just like me.

It is what it is

No time to cry

No time to care

About things that can’t be undone

Hail Satan!

You have won!

Happy now?

I hope so

at least someone or something is happy

Happier than me

Than I could ever be

Be careful what you say

Cause things might end

that way

And this will be the last time

in the room

Of doom

Or in this place

With this face

Tomorrow

never

knows

Everything was not

i see stars
and bible thumpers
bloom and gloom
like the sound
of the man
ready for doom
I put my spell on you
just like before
only now
I am dancing
on the moonlight floor

i see stars

and bible thumpers

bloom and gloom

like the sound

of the man

ready for doom

I put my spell on you

just like before

only now

I am dancing

on the moonlight floor

I can only run

(to you)

I can only hide

(from you)

if you

want me to leave

I will

I leave wounded

all the time

with my destination

out the door

where the stakes

are high

and time don’t end

a sweet choke

under faces

of light

hidden within smoke

and imaginary tales

of without any explanation

interested in this study

more here

then there

the absurd to defend

everyone corrupts

in movement

you rather abuse

than love again

the distance between

cause feelings we reject

already seated

i tried more to protect

myself

from what you see

in the mirror

that is me

another suicide

in the distant blue

i lie here

sweetly crushed

the pain of you

-kyoko cole

2018

How to Avoid the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern in Your Relationship

The pursuer-distancer pattern

Therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner summarizes the pattern like this.

A partner with pursuing behavior tends to respond to relationship stress by moving toward the other. They seek communication, discussion, togetherness, and expression. They are urgent in their efforts to fix what they think is wrong. They are anxious about the distance their partner has created and take it personally.

via How to Avoid the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern in Your Relationship

I don’t understand

I don’t understand how someone can just treat another like trash.

Like they don’t matter now and like they never really mattered at all.

Do they know how stupid and insignificant and small that makes a person feel?

Do they know and just ignore it?

Do they actually enjoy making someone else feel the way they would never want to feel?

It’s pretty heartless.

Is it because they got screwed over before they have to pass the bad behavior on?

What really kills me is how much the other person tries to make them happy but in return they make them feel like they’re never good enough and discard them for whatever reason they can.

If I don’t mean that much to you then I don’t mean that much to you…

But know that you meant the world to me and my heart was pure and full of hope and love and dedication… And you treated me like dirt just because you could. Made me feel like completely disposable and worthless.

Why would you do that to my heart? Why would you do that to anyone?

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

You only care when someone does it to you.

You don’t care.

I have to realize that you just don’t care about me and stop thinking about only the good which was never lasting.

It felt nice to be a part of a family. To feel accepted even if it was never consistent. It felt nice to feel love and feel loved that I still cling onto those moments even if you show me no love or care or respect now and that’s sad.

Says a lot about myself.

Says a lot about you.

I could find better but I hold on to someone who doesn’t care if they ever see me again. I’m not worth your time or effort or love when you were worth it to me. I feel stupid. I feel bamboozled. I feel lied to and cheated….and i feel used.

That makes my stomach sink and my eyes full up with tears.

I’ve spent years trying…

There’s nothing more left in me