love – skin loves fever

what the fuck are we going to do?

sun shines
spring is coming soon.
again
it’s been 3 years
and i don’t feel a thing
like i should
like i could
take that thought
out of mind

don’t try to find
then we’ll be fine
some day
some day
or so they say
after this

will we miss?

I don’t know

how this will go
will we be fine???
again???
I don’t know
will we be fine…again?
were we ever fine?
I don’t know.

when we return
and the sun sets
and day is done
just like the body
of everyone
like the sun
will someday die

or maybe that

too is just a lie
but you and I

hopefully will be fine
and are not alone

and maybe forever alive

are we going to be fine?

with the files

with the piles

of all the wonder of whys

and all the cries

of everything

we once knew

as true

now we find

has been a bunch of lies

it’s time to ask

the question

what do we do?

we can’t turn back

it’s time to face the facts

it’s time to address

THIS FUCKING MESS

what a fucking mess

we are in

fuck.

it’s time to stand up

or just be less

and less

until we are none

the time to stand up

for what is right and

call out what’s fucking wrong

the time to do right

has now begun

for anyone and everyone

who knows

how wrong the world has been

who knows

the fuck of a mess

we are in

the time is NOW

to begin.

you can close your eyes and close your ears

but you can’t ignore your fears

and you can’t turn away

from other’s tears

it’s time to change the future years

if we want to go home

we need to stop and burn these mother fuckers now

it’s time to take back

what was stolen from us

long ago

all the things we did not know

no morals = they don’t give a flying fuck

about you or i

they only want to suck

the life out of us

to feed their greedy fucking ugly self

it’s time to take them off the shelf

and dispose of all their ugly shitty disgusting ways

and move along to better day

they only care about their own unkind.

don’t be so stupid
don’t act so blind

it’s time for a fucking change

we’ve been forced and complied to do it their way

THEIR WAY HASN’T WORKED

IT’S NEVER WORKED
IT’S TIME TO STOP
IF WE WANT TO GO HOME

THEIR WAY HAS NEVER WORKED

IT’S. TIME TO DO IT OUR WAY

Embracing the Shift: Understanding Relationship Patterns

This morning, I realized I deserve genuine love, not just crumbs. I’m done with one-sided relationships and embracing my worth while healing and learning.

I woke up this morning and something shifted.

For most of my life, love has felt like something I had to earn. I learned early on that relationships were conditional. I realized that affection wasn’t guaranteed. If I wanted to be kept around, I had to give more. I had to try harder and be easier. That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from what I grew up with, and it followed me into every relationship I’ve known.

So I’m honest with myself now. I’ve accepted one-sided relationships because they felt familiar. I’ve stayed where effort was minimal and connection was inconsistent. I’ve poured into people who offered me just enough to keep me hoping. I’ve mistaken breadcrumbs for care and potential for reality.

And it has hurt. More than I’ve wanted to admit.

Lately, I’ve been letting myself really feel that pain instead of pushing past it. I’m acknowledging the sadness, the frustration, the quiet humiliation of wanting more and pretending I didn’t. I’m not judging myself for it anymore. I’m starting to understand how deeply this pattern has affected my emotional health, and how much it’s shaped the way I see myself.

I’ve been looking back at my relationships, all of them, and the pattern is impossible to ignore now. The imbalance. The way I do most of the emotional work. The way I show up fully while being met halfway or not at all. The way I feel wanted mostly when someone wants something from me. Sex. Validation. To feel desired. To feel better about themselves.

Sitting with that truth hasn’t been easy. It’s lonely. It brings up parts of me that feel unwanted and replaceable. But I’m staying with those parts instead of abandoning them. I’m letting the discomfort exist without rushing to fill the space with another person or another excuse.

I’m doing the work, even though it hurts like hell. I’m writing. I’m talking. I’m sitting in the quiet. I’m grieving not just the people. I’m grieving the versions of relationships I believed would show up eventually. I thought they would if I was patient enough or good enough. Letting go of that hope is painful, but it’s also honest.

As I do this, something is changing. I’m becoming more aware of myself in real time. I notice when I start to minimize my needs. I catch the moments where I want to accept less just to feel chosen. That awareness feels heavy, but it also feels like power returning to me.

I’m learning to accept people as they are, not as I wish they could be. And that acceptance is doing something important. It’s making it impossible to keep lying to myself. When someone shows little effort, I notice it. When consistency is missing, I recognize it. When I’m left doing all the work, it becomes clear to me. And seeing it clearly changes what I’m willing to tolerate.

I’m starting to understand that wanting someone means showing up. It means effort. It means care that doesn’t disappear when things get inconvenient. And I’m realizing I don’t want relationships that only exist when someone wants something from me. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t want to be an option or a convenience.

This morning, I wake up and I can feel the shift. It’s subtle, but it’s real. I don’t feel the same pull toward what hurts me. I don’t feel the same urge to chase or explain or prove my worth. That doesn’t mean the work is done. It means the work is working.

I’m reclaiming my time and my energy, even as I’m still figuring out how. I’m turning back toward myself. Toward what grounds me. Toward people and spaces that feel mutual. I’m reminding myself, over and over, that I am worthy of love that is genuine and reciprocal.

Today feels like the start of something new. It’s not because everything is healed. It’s because something inside me has finally shifted. I no longer want one-sided relationships. I no longer want to beg for effort. I want connections where I’m met, not managed.

This is me, in the middle of it. Still healing. Still learning. Still choosing myself. And today, that choice feels real.

“Like a bright light, you inspire and deserve love. Your spirit brings joy and hope. Know your worth; you deserve support for your dreams.”

Embracing Vulnerability in Relationships – M.J.C.

In a world of familiar faces, he stands out—a rare, warm soul whose connection sparks newfound emotions, challenging me to rethink love and discover inner peace amidst chaos.

he’s someone I never imagined would consider
someone like me, a hidden whisper
maybe I’ve been too blinded to perceive
or too settled in cycles, tricked to believe
I’ve had my share of the same old pain
too many players dancing in the rain
yet he stands apart, a mirror, a chance
so alike in spirit, but a different dance
he embodies warmth, unlike all the rest
caring, kind, in ways I’ve never guessed
when we touch, the world fades away
it’s a spark I thought I’d never display
what flows for him is deeper than ink
and his open heart makes me stop and think
the way he shows he cares is a rare release
igniting the best within, where I find my peace.

A night like this

Back rooms

With the spill of souls

And spirits

You can hear a pin drop

Or the sound of ice shoveled

Into vessels

Transporting spirits

Into souls.

On a night like this

There is no excitment like you

There is no one I wish to share myself to

But you.

You hate me for the wrong reasons

Because I say the things you dare not see (maybe too true or maybe too ugly) within yourself

I love you for saying all the things that i know and do see (As ugly as they are)

within myself

But I don’t look at you as someone I can use

I don’t like at you as something cheap

If you let me

I would keep you safe

I would show you love

But you don’t want that

You would rather misunderstand me

And hate me

Bevause you have been used and discarded

And now that’s how you treat anything that isn’t easy

Or anyone that would deal with you at your worst

As long as you were there to deal with my worst

Which gets easier and falls away the more you give me a reason to trust that you’ll be there when shit goes down

And I’m someone you want on your team when shit goes down

But on a night like this

I watch the many

Some baring souls

Some burying souls

writing for the next spirit to pour

And wishing you were here with me.

We will never have any firsts together

Meet someone I actually like and they’ve already done all the things
I probably will never do – with someone else.
They had a wife
They have the kids
They had the wedding and the love
At least enough to have a child with that person.

Artists are different – I know this-
I had many opportunities to have all of that-
but I chose not to
under the circumstances that I was in at the time-
which I thought was the best decision (and it probably was)
but it still leaves me feeling like I’m falling short
losing time
and now at almost 43
I am.

I’m not toxic
I don’t bring that much baggage
I don’t lie
or leave out important information
that is misleading

I don’t want to meet people who are barely out of their last relationship – still not over it.

I want to meet people who are willing to try

to let me in

to connect

I want to have someone to have firsts with.

I was so careful about being with the wrong person (because of my family history) that I didn’t marry – even though I was engaged

I didn’t have children – even though I did get pregnant more than once

all of which I thought was the smart thing to do.

So now while so many of my friends who were married – are now in the process of getting divorced-

they were married and had children- maybe to the wrong person- but that part is on their poor choice of picking a partner who sticks by their vows- through all the trials and tribulations. who knows it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Who is loyal despite the temptation of people that are always trying to take what isn’t theirs – just because they can’t have it.

And the worst part of it all- is I would have made a great mother and wife- to the right person. while I see so many couples forget that they’re parents with multiple kids- just check out. So many parents go through the motions yet treat their kids like bait when they want out of their relationship – or want something more from the divorce. Some people have kids for the wrong reason. Some people get married and have no idea what that actual means and what it actually takes to make a marriage work. Selfish and stupid because in a lot of cases the kids suffer more than they will ever know – or care to think about.

I want to cry but I can’t cry… I have too much good in my life to cry – despite the things I lack that most of you will never understand

Is there anyone out there – in the same position as me?

Happy October 1st. Most of 2024 is gone already.

Maybe this world won’t last just like most relationships don’t last.

Maybe it’s time to get rid of all my stuff and move to another state

I don’t know.

all I know is that a lot of you – that I once knew-

I will never see again.

and that’s okay because if you wanted it any other way

you would show it – but more importantly-

I just don’t want any of it or any of you – at all –

marriage doesn’t work with selfish people

and new relationships will fail too

blah blah blah

I’m just happy for what I know, what I see, what I dodge, and what I have thet is good.

too left – too right- never any good

sex positivity is a good thing
but not with everyone
women used to get shamed for just trying something different with her own husband- while he could go and find many mistresses or concubines- and it was perfectly fine.
think of your own daughter- how would you feel if a boy treated her the way you treat women?
I guess your excuses would be fine… right?
NO.

I want to write more… but I am healing.
and I don’t need any other person’s outside validation to tell me who I am or how great I am or how worthy I am.
they don’t even know how worth they are.
and they don’t live in a way that I feel would bring any good to my life.
I would just join the dark side. hedonistic- only self-serving, selfish

no wonder this world is the way it is-
well not all of the world-

you can follow the masses and not think for yourself
or you can see how the thinking has been controlled by a small group of people that control everything we see, think, and do – and have been for so long that we don’t even realize how little we think for ourselves. we are programmed.

my body, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my brain, my organs. my nervous system as well as all the other systems, my light, my love, etc… as well as all the other things you can’t with your eyes and can’t touch with your hands- but most pe0ple know is there… is important to keep sacred and take care of.

when you know yourself beyond this world and this life… and step away from the manipulation that c0mes from the people in power who and in control- who want to keep us down – because if we knew our own power – if we knew what we were capable of – we would evolve and we wouldn’t continue to live within the confines that others have built for us that limit us- that we think we need – in order to survive.

protect yourself. know thyself. don’t let anyone treat you like you’re just a body, a slave, just one of the many, expendable. disposable. used.

how would you feel if your daughter was treated that way?

I am worthy of love and commitment. I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who did not value you in that way… but you doing that to others instead of taking the time to heal- is not okay.

people will hurt you but do you want to continue that just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others and/or you have to make them feel like they can’t trust you.

grow from it. heal from it. but that takes time. sometimes years.
but you haven’t even given it a few months.
and all you do is pass that on
and take it out
on someone else and close your eyes and turn your back to the hurt you cause. .. because you are hurt and don’t want to deal with you first.

I will not spend anymore time
giving my energy to someone who chooses to behave in a way that is only self-serving. if someone is mean to you- when they weren’t before- maybe the problem is you. especially when you know that everyone I wrote above it true.

I’m not perfect- but I want to be with someone who is okay with that and is okay with connecting on a level that you will never know –

I say goodbye

and I walk away.

you have shown me that you do not understand the damage you cause-

you do not care to because it hurts like hell

and you’ve been hurt

but that does not mean it’s okay to do it to someone else

you’re not dumb…stop playing dumb.

because it’s not about me

it’s about not losing yourself…

which happens when we avoid what is really causing our pain and we don’t give ourselves the time alone to process and heal.

I had a letter…

but it’s too late now.

I didn’t give away to others- what I gave to you

but you did.

I’m walking away

because who you want

is not me.

Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright – Bob Dylan

Long Long Long -The Beatles

Wild West

I don’t need your love
besides you do not know what love really is
I am not bitter
I am not sad
I am not mad
I accept that you are not capable
of loving
and caring
for another human being.
you are not able to take the bad
but you will take the good
and that’s not how it works.
we all have our bad and good.
true care and love understands this.
it’s not easy.
but everyone wants it to be easy
how weak is that?
you get hurt
and you give up
well we all get hurt
but some of us don’t give up
the ones who are able to see our own difficult selves
are the ones who are able to deal with other people’s difficulties.
the ones who can’t see themselves
get hurt
and give up.
they are weak and quite stupid.
the beauty is not giving up
on someone who has always tried to be there for you
giving up on people who never ignore you the way that you ignore them
is why you lose.
you lose
you have made the choice to ignore
someone who would have always had your back
for what?
fear.
lack of patience
lack of care
lack of love

well I accept you for you
but I would never want to lose out on someone or something great
out of fear that sometimes with great things comes great pain
but in the same respect
comes great love
love you will never know
beyond shallow surface levels

I have dealt with some of the worst of you
and the best of you
and all you see is the worst in me
not even acknowledging that I have dealt with the worst in you
and still give you love and appreciation

you have pushed me away
I am good
and I loved you will all of my heart.

all the times you have ignored me
has only made you lose
you are not living
you are waiting for things to die
you’re perfectly okay
with saying goodbye
before its time
what a waste of the life we have left

Appreciation

I’m sorry for all that I did to make you feel unloved

I loved (love) you more than anything

I really should have handled things differently

I think we both could have but

I’m not here to point fingers

All I want is for you

To be happy

Even if it’s not with me.

For Wolfie (F.F.)

I loved you.
My love for you
was deeper and stronger than
you will ever know.
You rejected it.
You still reject it
and you will always reject it
because holding on to what is NOT true
is more important to you
than
holding on to me
and us.
You were my lover
and my friend
and you had so many chances to
make it right
make it better
be here
like you said you would
be my friend
and follow through with your words
but you never did
you never do
and now there is nothing that I can do
because
there is no more time.
the time you had
you wasted
you ignored
you spent punishing me
all the things you failed to see
will soon be gone
at least for me
you only punished yourself.

all the times I called you
– got no answer-
asked you to come over
and see me
one last time
–
I called your name
many times
and still you never came

once upon a time
you were my love…

now it’s my time to say goodbye…

so goodbye.

even though I am no longer important to you
even though you cared more about hating me
than loving me
I will forever (beyond this lifetime) love you
and
you will forever be important to me
—
I’ll see you again my friend
in the next life
when we come back as cats
(or me as a bird and you as a wolf)

Goodbye.
…

if you didn’t treat me like shit…

I’m glad you took off
the way you did
I’m glad you showed me who you really are
It hurt like hell at first
but you leaving
made room for someone
who has brought me back to life again
who cares and
who excites
in ways you never would
and
or
never could.

let go

don’t fall to pieces
life still goes on
life’s colors haven’t faded
even if life gets you down
try not to let it make you jaded
just remember
you can’t hold on so tight
it’s not your fight tot fight
for what does not belong to you
it’s not that black and white
the layers
the players
constantly change
and rearrange
people come
people go
some people you never really know
someday we all will die
now is not the time to wonder why
say goodbye
don’t hold on
everything you love
some day will be gone