He was careless with me, and it broke something—but it brought me here. I won’t apologize for the truth. Truth doesn’t hurt. Being treated like nothing does.
His carelessness showed me who he really was, and whatever I felt disappeared. What stayed was the embarrassment of ever wanting him. I mistook his treatment for a reflection of my worth. It wasn’t. It was his. I don’t want someone who treats people that way.
I don’t want him.
But…
If not for him, the night would not have opened to you.
sex positivity is a good thing but not with everyone women used to get shamed for just trying something different with her own husband- while he could go and find many mistresses or concubines- and it was perfectly fine. think of your own daughter- how would you feel if a boy treated her the way you treat women? I guess your excuses would be fine… right? NO.
I want to write more… but I am healing. and I don’t need any other person’s outside validation to tell me who I am or how great I am or how worthy I am. they don’t even know how worth they are. and they don’t live in a way that I feel would bring any good to my life. I would just join the dark side. hedonistic- only self-serving, selfish
no wonder this world is the way it is- well not all of the world-
you can follow the masses and not think for yourself or you can see how the thinking has been controlled by a small group of people that control everything we see, think, and do – and have been for so long that we don’t even realize how little we think for ourselves. we are programmed.
my body, my spirit, my soul, my heart, my brain, my organs. my nervous system as well as all the other systems, my light, my love, etc… as well as all the other things you can’t with your eyes and can’t touch with your hands- but most pe0ple know is there… is important to keep sacred and take care of.
when you know yourself beyond this world and this life… and step away from the manipulation that c0mes from the people in power who and in control- who want to keep us down – because if we knew our own power – if we knew what we were capable of – we would evolve and we wouldn’t continue to live within the confines that others have built for us that limit us- that we think we need – in order to survive.
protect yourself. know thyself. don’t let anyone treat you like you’re just a body, a slave, just one of the many, expendable. disposable. used.
how would you feel if your daughter was treated that way?
I am worthy of love and commitment. I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who did not value you in that way… but you doing that to others instead of taking the time to heal- is not okay.
people will hurt you but do you want to continue that just because your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.
that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others and/or you have to make them feel like they can’t trust you.
grow from it. heal from it. but that takes time. sometimes years. but you haven’t even given it a few months. and all you do is pass that on and take it out on someone else and close your eyes and turn your back to the hurt you cause. .. because you are hurt and don’t want to deal with you first.
I will not spend anymore time giving my energy to someone who chooses to behave in a way that is only self-serving. if someone is mean to you- when they weren’t before- maybe the problem is you. especially when you know that everyone I wrote above it true.
I’m not perfect- but I want to be with someone who is okay with that and is okay with connecting on a level that you will never know –
I say goodbye
and I walk away.
you have shown me that you do not understand the damage you cause-
you do not care to because it hurts like hell
and you’ve been hurt
but that does not mean it’s okay to do it to someone else
you’re not dumb…stop playing dumb.
because it’s not about me
it’s about not losing yourself…
which happens when we avoid what is really causing our pain and we don’t give ourselves the time alone to process and heal.
I had a letter…
but it’s too late now.
I didn’t give away to others- what I gave to you
What you can’t seem to understand and never have understood – is that since the first day i met you i always wanted you i loved you from the moment i saw you
We were just friends for a long time and were close but had a falling out and i didn’t hear from you for 5 years just like that and it hurt like hell. you had a girlfriend and so i (even though it broke my heart)… moved on
then one day out of the blue you came back and i didn’t treat you like a stranger i wasn’t angry or resentful
but now you’re out of my life again ignoring me like i mean nothing like i meant nothing and this is after we actually were in love
i’m still in love but i can’t do anything about what you do i’m not going to force you to talk to me it’s obvious you have found someone new who you call your wife. i am not your friend because you don’t treat me like a friend you haven’t been there you haven’t even cared to see if I’m okay
so i let you go and from now on i will stay away but forever this time.
we had something amazing and you listened to a stupid bitch who you and i barely knew and now i don’t even know you anymore
But it’s okay i can’t feel bad or sad that you don’t even care about me the way i care about you well… cared… before now i can’t feel bad about this anymore
i’ve tried i’ve cried i’ve reached out with no reply and now i see that you don’t give a damn about me AT ALL
and that’s okay you want it this way so you got it i release you from my heart and mind forever.
I sit here and look at a room filled with stuff memories collecting dust 2 pianos covered with this and that and on the couch asleep is my siamese cat I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to say when fear sets in and gets in the way frightened child inside the 40 year old me why must I always have to be number 1 the best the first the only given 100% have all or want nothing I don’t know…
I sit here and wait for my feelings to go down a bit level out but I know if I do then I’ll do without so I sit in silence Let myself feel
i dip
and slip
under the moon
and fall past
the last
hand comin’ round too soon
i skate
and wait
for nothing cause it’s so much fun
to chase the moon
and run from the sun
i smile and spin
as something within
starts to begin
again
i dance and prance
and fly through the air
without a doubt or a single care
and as the morning dew
comes into view
i say goodbye
to the past
i held onto
what was
was then
and what is
is now
i got stuck between
the years somehow
so hello this moment
hello today
i am present
i am here
and i am okay
my eyes are open
my ears are open
my heart is open
i am open
to be me now.
skin loves fever 
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