death – Page 3 – skin loves fever

i used to write (i’m writing now)

finding the way through fears. finding myself and the freedom that comes from knowing thy self.

i used to write
my heart out
without any doubt
without any fright
but somewhere along the heartache and years
there seems to be a build up of unsound fears
that accumulate
in a frantic state
inside an emotional ride
takes me to the other side
automatic
erratic
sick and unfit
the only way out
is to move through it

be silent and still
and in the right state of mind
i find
myself
and know myself
better than to let
any thing or anyone
get
me down –
the truth is those things don’t matter to me
i matter to me
knowing myself is what sets me free
-k.c.

the ghost of my friends

This is not a prison.

This is a trap.

I am the bait.

___________________________________________________________

Having balls is a good thing
having raw passion is a good thing and a rare thing.
To have both passion AND balls is what makes someone great.
I miss the great ones

I miss the lovers
and the dreamers/creators
I miss the artists
I miss the tortured souls- the poets…the journeymen …
and I mean the real ones
the real risk takers
the real love makers
the ones that do what they were born to do
unafraid of being who they really are
the ones that live for what they love
and the ones that love to love.
it has nothing to do with image
and everything to do with heart and soul
and pure being
I miss the truth in them
I miss their passion
I miss having them around
I miss them knocking at my bedroom window at 3am
driven by desire
driven by love
and…That feeling –
that wonderful feeling of hope and wonder
and the excitement in life and love
I miss the fire

-kyoko cole 2008

in between the moon and you

we retreat now
you and i
are –
hidden.
for awhile

people in
shadows
we lay low
in the dark

can’t talk
to you
can’t talk to me
as it goes back
now

like we are
like we were
like we sometimes
always seem to do

when time trips
and slips
and fades to
and through
in front of
and
sometimes always behind
me and you

we are like the moon
in retrograde.

-kyoko cole 2013

you are my sunshine my only sunshine – merry christmas

when you sang that song for me
20 + years ago now
i was laying next to you in bed
and i remember crying because i knew how special i was
for you to show me that affection and say i love you
when you grew up without it
and you were brought up to not show it
in our culture and our family it’s not something you do
but for me you did
and i cried at that moment knowing that someday it
and you and everything that means the most to me
would be gone
i was 11 and i knew it then
now i”m 33 and i still know it but now i have to face it and
i don’t want to say goodbye
memories of what was
and what will never be again
– in the many things that i’ve known and loved
i miss
and will forever miss
i wish i could go back
and live it all over again
even the bad cause those moments with you mean the most
my childhood was blessed with a grandmother who loved me
and did everything she could for me
and it hurts to look back at what you had
and see that you did not know what you had
while you had it –
and know that you will never have that again
– it doesn’t take away from the great things to come
i just miss those times
that as a child you think will always stay the same
and you never think about how drastically things change and disappear and die
and are lost with the years that creep by you ever so quickly
and i will forever miss it
and i will forever miss and love her
she always loved me and was there for me
when no one else was
-here is no home base now
there is no safe place
to fall back if needed
there is no one there now to take care of me
cause sometimes i need a little bit being taken care of
even still as an adult
we all need to know that someone cares and loves us no matter what
i love you grandma

you are my sunshine

Head through a wall

Rhapsodies in black
reality in the lowest rank
“Just love me” she said
Not
Ever

he was a man full of junk
dead love
wasted drunk

but the Static
Clinging on
Sticking to
Stuck
yuck
sucks
The living life
Right out of you
Everything happens at once
or happens for a reason
they say
who said what?
who is they? and how would they know me?
Discontents
The contents
Inside
Spilling
Outside
spills over
and 10 times
Removed
The voice and void
the Twisted twister
Dissonant
And distant
mister
you
mister who?
you i never knew

Building
Walls
Built to last?
more like
Built to destroy
Wedged Between
The good, the bad and the ugly
Misunderstood
Misreadings
everything
I see / you mean
a
Identity crisis
Stamp of impulse
take 3 steps away then
Draw
it’s gone
Before it hits the floor
Poet assassinated
Strange attractors hover
Hiding in the many
ever more

Cats in bags
Dread
Taming the gremlin
Blurred emotions
seek out
Mail order monsters
that arrive at your door

Mouth
it
out
it enters
With/without
an invitation
with / without a sound
the Devil on the stairs
is what you have found
no clear
Points of entry
only old joy
burns
but never
returns
Bad girls and and sick boys
Never odd or even
the dead

never grow old

under a Full moon
it lingers
the sight and sounds
Dead Elvis
Unplugged
the last days
of the ninth life
is it becoming real now?
what is
is now real gone.

The unrequited love ( between two worlds)

Nothing is more dangerous than desire when it’s wrong

Play dead
To save myself

From you
Handsome devil, you

You
Who
killed me first
Inside
my head and heart
And My love
You tortured
Fucked with enough to ruin
But kept just enough alive to still keep

To have around for
whenever you damn well please
When you want or when you need me
But Only For helping you
And Never for the love of me
And when you don’t want or need me
You push me out
And down
And away
….

…Just enough…
But really not much of anything
anything that’s really real
And you are really not much of that
Or much to love now
I think I’ve reached that point
Where Giving up and going on
Are both the same dead-end to me

Play dead
For only you
And your Dead love
Will end

I hurt so completely, all I could do was laugh

-kyoko cole 2014

Stained

Time press
Ink press
Pressure
press her
down
Under and pull one over on her
over head Of clouds

— Time stamp
Life stamp
tramp stamp
Stomp around
going Up and
COMING down
The disabled ramp
excuse me – i mean – the ramp for the disabled
We could be together
if we really tried
if you really wanted it to be
If you allowed it
and I would give it and you my all
If you let me

— But you won’t
And you don’t
And I’m not yours
And you are not mine
Now and
Forever always on
forever always gone

-kyoko cole

nothing missing

Woke up the morning and I missed you more than ever.
Now I’m trying to put you down
Erase you
Replace you
Forget
Reject
Disinfect
Eject
You
from
me
But I know
That
it’s never quite that easy
or maybe it is
cause it is
nothing now
and so
live like it’s nothing
and love like it never was

out on the weak-end

i wake up this morning
and feel it more than ever
nothing new
just much stronger now
and it runs much deeper
i know there’s nothing for me here
and all the reasons why
have become very clear
the end is near

-kc

“gun-shy” by grizzly bear

The sky keeps staring at me
Frozen in my tracks
(Nothing else to see)
And when I move my face left
You’re always standing there
(A shadow I can’t see)
And even then I can’t trace
You’re walking away

I put my ears to the ground
Always pushing down
(Nothing I can hear)
I found the worst half in me
We’re cut off at the knees
(Can’t even take a stand)
Against your words and beliefs
We didn’t wanna freeze

(All of the years, leaving me here
Gun-shy)
I don’t want to say it all again (the pain, losing my aim)
Never seem to see
(And why?) Do I always feel it all the same
The blisters in my eyes
(Recite) A guide that has only led me stray
And even as I limp (you smile)

The cold keeps tearing at me
Slowing down my blood
(Unable to speak)
I left my mind long ago
Choosing some false
(Always letting go)
And when I try to face you
You’re walking away

(All of the years, leaving me here
Gun-shy)
I don’t want to say it all again (the pain, losing my aim)
Never seem to see
(And why?) Do I always feel it all the same
The blisters in my eyes
(Recite) A guide that has only led me stray
And even as I limp (you smile)

left like dead

patterns darkly bragging
ink vanishes as the viper gleams
unchained reflections reflect
upon nights lonely kill
grimly, sad and clear
venomous pain sags heavy
down the heart beat and heart broken
unwanted
no love
no time
no effort for the dead

truth lies in blood streams of screams
shadows that flee warmly, crazy
the cold resurrection barks
machine gun round of stammer
gutless gypsies rain down
abandoned love floats helpless
somewhere
nowhere
unwanted
the bewildering black
illuminates dark

saturday morning 8am

a man crying in the alley
saturday morning
no one knew he was there
but me
i found him
trying to lose myself
down that same alley way
to hide away
from you
and the world
and the knowing
and feeling
of how fucked i am
and how fucked i make everything
i love
i live to lose
nothing else fills
only sorrow and tears flood
the self outside myself folds
the self inside myself fades
as all i love fades too
the emptiness
stay empty
the more you yearn
for the missing
piece
the more nothing will fit
or fill
the hole.
how can you miss something you never really had to begin with?
the weight of nothing
is heavy
the man in the alley is now sobbing
out his heavy heart
as i carry the weight
and wait
for the end to start
and wait
for the sun to spill